Smoke & Tell

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it still make sound?

Or better yet - if a guy smokes behind his girlfriend’s back, and she wasn’t there to see it, has he still broken his promise?

As of late I’ve noticed people doing things their partners believe they either (1) never did or (2) don’t do anymore. It can involve smoking as shown in the example above, or it can be the odd marijuana joint. It could involve talking – maybe even catching up with someone you had (or still do have) a thing for.

It’s no wonder why some people like to keep their love lives and their social lives in separate bubbles, and why the other unrelentingly proposes for a merger.

But did anyone ever stop to think about what the mutual friends go through?

We have to go about keeping the trust of one while betraying the other: because God knows if I was her I’d wish someone had told me earlier (you might have to read that a couple of times for it to make sense).

You might think you’re the victim of a controlling partner who made you hide things from them to keep your sanity, but we’re collateral damage when word gets out.

Whether we were friends with your partner before you guys started dating, or whether you introduced us – we lose the respect of that person because it becomes obvious we too were conspirators.

So have mercy on us next time you tell us not to tell your girlfriend. We appreciate that you're confiding in us, and of course we’re here for you – but can we suggest that as a new years resolution you be more honest in your relationship?

Love, Noeline.
xox

Present etiquette

From the 1st to the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me... well, nothing. And the feeling’s mutual. I didn’t get my boyfriend anything either. This may come as a shock to some of you, as did a friend of mine when she asked what I had got him. "We don’t really believe in giving presents for the sake of it," I told her.

If only her now ex-boyfriend lived by the same philosophy. He "chucked a sook" having received a canvas print from her one Christmas. My guess is that he was wondering where the other nine parts to his gift were.

How did we come to breed kids with attitudes such as these anyway? Then I thought back to my shifts in retail this Christmas season, and how I’ve swiped many a parent’s credit card for upwards of $500 on one child.

I trolled the internet hoping to point fingers at who got us into this mess.

According to Articles Base, "in the Christian faith gifts… represent the presents the wise men brought to the baby Jesus." Since then "gift giving became a symbolic reminder of the birth of Christ."

Then, “Christmas shopping was encouraged to overcome the depression during the period 1839-40” (All Things Christmas). There’s not much difference in 2009, with recent news coverage lamenting that this year’s Christmas expenditure won’t be enough to undo the damage of the global financial crisis.

Ironic how materialism rides on spirituality.

Love, Noeline.
xox

Ponder-replay

A couple of weeks ago, I lost my phone for the second time in two years. Fearing that this might actually become a yearly ritual, I have decided to refrain from such things as Blackberrys and iPhones.

So I bought a $39 brick from the Optus store. Supposedly locked to the Optus network, I teamed it with a $5 sim card from Virgin. Which makes me wonder, what actually goes on when people fork out $80 for an 'unlocking' service fee?

Things that make him go mmmm...

… I'm thirty years old. I have never, ever cheated on a girlfriend. I only date one girl at a time... But I must admit that I look… no matter how hard I've tried to change, I can't. The only way I can't look is if I focus all attention on not looking… It's a reaction, plain and simple. As involuntary as turning your head when you hear your name…
- Answer Bag

Some call it checking out. Others call it perving. Call it whatever you want, they all mean the same thing. Here are two definitions I grabbed from Urban Dictionary:

To look at someone's features in order to determine that person's level of sexual attractiveness and the extent to which you would like to [fuck them].

…to look them up and down and assess how attracted to them you are, based on physical appearance only. Can be done by both males and females. If you’re a straight guy, you would "check out" girls but not other guys - even if you appreciate that they are attractive, this is different to being attracted to them.

With these things said, is it really harmless to look without touching?

From the outset of our relationship, my boyfriend and I have always perved on girls together. Shopping centers, public spaces and television screens beware. Most times I find it fun. Other times I find it frustrating when he approves of a girl I clearly find unattractive, or disagrees about a girl I find gorgeous. In so doing I’ve taught him such things as the disaster that is fake tan, and the difference between waif bodies and hourglass figures. Without realising, it became a part of our relationship I didn’t question.

That was until numerous friends reported almost breaking up with their partners who either (a) got hurt by ‘inconsiderate’ comments like ‘Damn I’d tap Megan Fox any day’ or (b) didn’t understand how in the world their partner could be offended by similar exclamations.

Wondering if relationship etiquette for such circumstances existed, I put it out there:
Is it okay to perve on other people while in a relationship, whether or not your partner is there with you in person, silently in your head and/or out loud?


Here’s what some of you said:

“I don’t mind. I feel that if one does so silently it means they feel guilty? Which would make you wonder. By that I mean feeling guilt towards their partner because they did it silently (in secret).”

“It is ok to perve at all times. It’s only embarrassing when you get caught by the perve-ee.”

“To 'look' silently is oh but natural, to look 'out loud' is just rude.”

“Depends on the circumstances. If both partners are okay with it then it makes it okay but… one or the other will have their self-esteem affected by it, even in the smallest of ways.”

“My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we've discussed this many times! For us, it's completely ok to 'perve' on other people, as long as it's nothing more than that. I think that looking at the opposite sex is in our nature, and it's not like we have any intentions beyond that, it's just admiring!”

“I reckon it’s a-ok! You’re in a relationship with them so they should be your best bud as well. Your opinions matter and if you think that someone is good looking, either of the opposite sex or not, its a free country and you’re entitled to your opinion. We don’t all date Johnny Depps and Jude laws so just a little perve keeps us sane!”

“I'm ok with it just as long as your partner is always honest and faithful. If you trust them, I don't see the reason why not. Just as long as they're not over the top, and make such a big deal about the hot person that the significant other's self esteem is crushed. Oh, and just as long as they always remind you how beautiful you are too.”


From some of the responses it seems that perving is okay as long as it’s with A-list celebrities us mortals don’t stand a chance of leaving our partners for.

From some of the other responses it seems that who you perve on is beside the point – that to check someone else out is to inadvertently point out the flaws and shortcomings of your partner.

From the rest of the responses it seems that you can’t call a ‘natural’ reflex wrong in the first place. But whether or not you might as well share what’s on your mind or keep them to yourself is a whole other contentious issue.

It seems that Australian men are going with the first option, and not tastefully either. Author of online column called Sex and the Suburbs writes:

I'm not sure if they are aware of how obvious their perving is or if they simply just don't care but when [they] nearly give…[themselves] whiplash to have another look at you when he walks past[,] it's kind of hilarious.

What do you think? I’d love to hear your stories!

Love, Noeline
xox

Mummy, what’s a bump-and-grind?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they suddenly find themselves detached from popular culture, forcing one to contemplate whether or not they’re getting old.

That moment came to me a couple of nights ago. It’s not that I got excited about a Spotlight sale, nor was I contemplating about throwing a Tupperware party - I was at an inner city Hip-Hop and R&B club for my friend’s 20th birthday.

Some of the songs I didn’t know at all. Most of the songs I remember NOT downloading because, and to use this term loosely, they sounded gay. Everything sounded like it was produced by ABC’s Playschool, featuring Big Ted.

And there I was, caught between rips of people who seemed not to notice a thing.

For obvious reasons, a friend I call my soul mate felt the exact same way. In between Akon songs gone wrong (and of that there was ten too many), we lamented over where all the good Hip-Hop and R&B had disappeared to (the one's we grew up listening too anyway). Lil Jon, Jay-Z, The Ying Yang Twins, Fatman Scoop, Busta Rhymes, 50 Cent and Ludacris were nowhere to be seen, or should I say heard.

If you know where all the good R&B's gone, holla.

Love, Noeline
xox

Palaeontology

Early on in our relationship, I would hug him through clothes she bought for him.

One time we were going through his family photo albums – only to find it specked with photos of her.

Feeling cold at his house one night, he gave me something to throw on. Turns out I wasn’t the only girl who’s worn it.

Another time he was cleaning his room. In the process of throwing out perfectly good pens, he came across a perfectly good notebook. Having scolded him about having thrown away perfectly good pens, he threw me the perfectly good notebook. Turns out it wasn’t blank.

In each of these situations, you could have thrown me into a pool of elephant dung and I’d have felt less disgusted.

And that’s when I fast-forwarded decades into the future. What if the man I end up marrying kept wearing the clothes and using the jewellery his ex-girlfriend handpicked for him? What if I moved in with him only to cook, dine, sleep and watch TV using the furniture and appliances he bought with his ex-fiancée? The thought terrified me. Is there any way out of this mess, or is it just a part of life I haven’t yet learned to accept?

So, is it okay to keep things from your ex? eg. letters, clothes, etc.?From the responses prevailed a group of functionalists:

“If you return it, he or she will [just] throw it away. Why throw away good things? It’s a waste. What if it’s a Play Station 3? I wouldn’t want to throw that away. If your ex-boyfriend gave you a Louis Vuitton bag, wouldn’t you still keep it if you guys broke up?

“If it has a purpose, such as a vacuum, expensive labelled clothing, hose, shower head, auto mobile or umbrella – keep it!”

“I was given a soft toy giraffe that I absolutely adore and I still have. My current boyfriend doesn't mind at all. I guess if the relationship is strong enough things like that shouldn't matter”

“After my last break up I ripped every single letter and photo… and as for the things he's given like clothes, bags and other material things, they just become part of my wardrobe and I forget who even gave me what”Then we have the sceptics. They argue that keeping things from past relationships is disrespectful to the partner/s that follow.

“I don’t it’s right. It’s like you’re hanging on to something – some type of hope – even if it is a Tiffany & Co. bracelet or Miu Miu handbag - you have to let go”

“Only okay if you use the items for Voodoo, otherwise trash that shit”

“Keeping them reflects some sort of attachment and it wouldn't be right if you really cared for the one you’re with.”

“I don’t get why you would want to hold on to your past… it causes problems. You never know, you could be married and your wife finds your letters and ex-numbers stashed away. How do you explain yourself then? I know a few couples who kept that kind of stuff and got caught red-handed - married couples too”

“I was with my boyfriend for three years. When he was cleaning out his cupboard this year he showed me all this stuff his ex’s gave him: cards, letters and notes. Ummm WTF? It’s not cool to keep that shit!”

“That’s a difficult one to generalise on because I think that certain situations would render it inappropriate and others would make it okay. Basically it's not okay to keep things from your ex if you want to move on or have already done so. But I think its okay during that ‘mourning period’ where uncertainty is everything and you don't know if you can move on. But yeah when you snap out of it, it shouldn't even be an issue, throw it out!”

“I used to [keep the things my ex gave me], but not anymore. I think people hang on to things like love letters because they hope they'll find something like that again. When you do, you don't feel the need to keep them anymore. [For example,] my ex wrote me a few songs and I kept them for months after we broke up until I found my current boyfriend. I threw the CDs out because I'm so much happier now than I was then. I don't need to hang on to that hope anymore”

“There are some things I kept from ex’s. It was a bit of sentimental value, but a few years later, when I find them again, I might have a laugh or a shake of the head, but yeah in the bin it goes”Surprisingly - only ONE respondent agreed that it was okay to keep the things given him/her from an ex:

“I’ve only kept the ones from my first love in a box he gave me. I’m not holding onto hope or what not, it’s just a part of my life that I smile and laugh at what when I read them (which is like once in a blue moon). I think keeping them doesn’t mean you want to get back with them, it just shows that at one point in you life you were able to love and be loved in return”
But with all these things said, what do you do when one person thinks it’s okay and the other person doesn’t? Should the functionalist succumb to throwing away perfectly good things? Or should empiricists simply learn to deal with it?

A few people I've spoken to said that it depends on the situation - whether or not your ex and your current boy/girlfriend get along. That if your new boy/girlfriend has a problem with your ex/s - it's best not having things lying around to upset him/her.

What do you think? Simply click on the comment link below - especially for those of you who didn’t get to share your thoughts and/or experiences the first time round.

Love, Noeline
xox

The more personal, the more universal.

Some of my favourite Post Secrets.

Beautiful Disaster

When I was in primary school they called me ‘goody two shoes’ and ‘teacher’s pet’. And by ‘they’ I mean the ones who knew I even existed; for you see I was that abnormally quiet girl.

But today she’s got a confession. Beneath the surface I had a soft spot for the bad boys: the ones whose names were always on the board for talking in class. The ones who dared enter the playground without a hat with their shirt hanging out.

Come high school, they suddenly lost all appeal. I guess it’s because getting kicked out of school, smoking, binge drinking, violence, drug dealing and addictions are gradations too high on the social deviancy scale for me to handle.

So why do smart, well-grounded people with a functioning moral compass fall for trouble?

I had a friend confess that they like being with someone whose life is more dramatic than their own. The relationship becomes a mission to ‘save’ the other, which in turn brings them self-worth.

This is all fine and dandy in movie scripts – but since when did modern dating become a form of martyrdom? Call me old fashioned, but when did we stop admiring people for their integrity?

When you find out, write me a comment or something will ya?

Love, Noeline
xox

Inside scoop for some outside perspective

Now us sales assistants always get a bad wrap. On the one side we’re accused of being overbearing, pushy bimbos. At the same time we’re stretched to the other side of the spectrum as being stuck-up, snobby people. Here’s our rebuttal.

Firstly, this position is not the be-all and end-all of our careers. A lot of us are actually enrolled in secondary or tertiary education, and/or hoping to work our way up the ladder and end up in head office playing a more ‘respectable’ role. For others like us it’s an outlet from staid office jobs, apprenticeships, internships, etc.
Lesson 1: We’re not dumb.

Secondly, we’re not as spoilt as you think. If we were, we wouldn’t be working in retail – you’d be surprised how little it pays.

Some of us are working to help provide for our family financially – even if it means supporting ourselves. Some of us are trying to pay for our own education. Some of us are saving up for a home, or the chance to travel overseas. Some of us are saving up for a car – hence why we’re not working in a remote office as an administration assistant in a suburb untouched by public transport.

Although you will find the odd sales assistant who landed the job through connections, works for the fun of it, and spends their whole pay packet, as well as some of Daddy’s money on clothes and whatnot (given the chance, who wouldn’t?) – please don’t stereotype the rest of us.
Lesson 2: Yes, we have goals!

Thirdly, we might be naturally outgoing, but we’re taught how to be sticky beaks. For some reason it seems that human resources departments around the globe have yet to catch on to the fact that not all customers like being asked what the weather is like outside, what they’re doing today, and who they’re doing it with. Your energy is better spent sending your complaints to them – as opposed to contributing to the mountain of online forums bagging us out.

Whether or not we keep our jobs is determined by a list. They vary from company to company – but include whether or not we smiled, made eye contact, complimented you, made you aware of promotions, or offered you another item with your purchase. Whether or not we do these things is monitored by people called mystery shoppers, hired either by the company or the shopping center to make sure we’re doing a ‘good’ job at customer service. They don’t have a uniform, they look just like you - can you blame us for being so cautious?
Lesson 3: Don’t hate the player, hate the game!

Finally, you’ve all probably wondered why we don’t back off after you’ve picked up one item from the racks. Blame it on the individual sales targets we have to meet, of which our position is subject to review if we don’t meet them. Such figures vary depending on the days of the week (e.g. Thursdays to Sundays are generally busier than Mondays to Wednesdays) and/or trading periods (e.g. Christmas). It’s the company’s way of tracking whether or not we’re doing a good job, and indirectly - whether or not we’re following the selling steps as mentioned above.

But most importantly, under the laid-back atmosphere you might enter into, potentially lies a competitive relationship between staff. Some people will ‘steal’ customers off someone else – sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose, and sometimes by the latter purported as the former.

Whose customer is who’s is based on who said ‘hi’ first, or who put an item of clothing in the change room first, or who assisted a customer already in the change room when the first staff member has walked off. So yes, things can get very messy – especially for disorganised companies with no set procedure.

Our being clingy let’s everyone else know that you’re ours. So when we ask you to wait for the other person to come back we don’t mean to be snobby or lazy; we’re just being considerate of our fellow work mate. It’s when we take over that you should be worried.
Lesson 4: A little short-term commitment can’t hurt.

So with the Christmas period nearing it’s ugly head, please, help us help you :)

Love, Noeline
xox

Feliz cumpleaños, 生日快樂, Hyvää syntymäpäivää, среќен роденден, Happy Birthday

Yesterday I turned 20. How does it feel? About 15. I still can't drive. My mum still makes my lunch. I sill can't cook anything but toast and two minute noodles. I still live at home.

But I have stopped counting down the days, the presents, the money, the people. Does that make me mature minded or just a killjoy? Have I lost that intrinsic human element that makes people want, or need to make a shindig every 365th day of their lives?

Greg Merrick wouldn't say so. I've merely risen above a capitalist scam that maintains the hegemonic structure of society.

...the traditions associated with... birthdays, especially the obligatory purchasing of gifts, feeds the greedy jaws of capitalism by promoting the malignant scourge of wasteful consumerism, and therefore contributes to the acceleration of our own demise. How’s that for irony?

In defence, Samantha Price states:

I don't see the problem with giving people birthday presents. In fact, its almost as fun as getting your own!... birthday parties provide a positive function because people might feel blue over getting older, and parties make them feel better.

Good or bad, how have we come to comply with such an unquestioned tradition? The Coolest Kid Birthday Parties website reveals that

Birthday celebrations began as a form of protection. It was a common belief that evil spirits were more dangerous to a person when he or she experienced a change in their daily life, such as turning a year older. To protect them from harm, friends and family would gather around the birthday person and bring good cheers, thoughts and wishes. Giving gifts brought even more good cheer to ward off the evil spirits. Noisemakers are thought to be used at parties as a way of scaring away the evil spirits.

In some cultures rites of passage into adulthood are marked by a certain number of birthdhays. In Africa children "leave their parents' homes, paint their bodies white and are taught how to become young warriors" (Birthday Celebrations). Jewish boys have a bar mitzvah, Jewish girls have a bat mitzvah, Indian girls have a thread ceremony, and Filipino girls have a debut (Wikipedia) In Argentina, Brazil, Ecuador, Mexico and Uruguay - girls dance the waltz with their father and/or potential suitors. Doing so in high heels worn for the first time represents the transition from a girl into a woman (Bubble Gum Parties).

But sometimes the line between a rite of passage and an extravagant display of wealth and love become blurred. Check out this brat.



Love, Noeline
xox

Enigma

“For every one of those kids you see at rock concerts holding up the sign of the horns and not knowing anything about it, there are maybe five more kids who have read The Satanic Bible [and] know what Satanism is”
(Barton 1992, p. 201).

A couple of weeks ago I entered a humble Melbourne bookstore and came out with a biography of Anton LaVey: founder of the Church of Satan. There's something about the minds of freethinkers that intrigue me.

It’s funny how we think we know all there is about Satanism. I guess now would be a good time to clarify that they don’t literally worship a red skinned man with a tail, hoofs and horns who can’t let go of a pitchfork. Rather, Satanism is a metaphor for the “rational self-interest, avoidance of oppressive mentalities, the questioning of all, and a perseverance towards success and human potential” (Paradise cited in Crabtree 2000) embodied in an image of a devil-like figure.

“The Church Of Satan could have been called The Church of Set (Egyptian), The Church Of Shaitan (Islamic), etc, but the most famous adjective to describe our Church is Satan. The accuser, the rebel. Given that the COS is a Western phenomenon, it is only right to adopt a figurehead of what is in the Western World the most famous symbol of anti-deity sentiment”
(Crabtree 2000).

However, you need only type it into Google and you’re flooded with articles about a secret society whose practices range from child abuse and sexual orgies - to murder. But to the disappointment of our imagination, it’s founder Anton LaVey was born into America’s ideal nuclear family, grew up in a middle class home and went to a normal school. He worked with animals and was an avid musician. He had girlfriends, he had a wife, and he had children. He then spent some time working in the police force as a crime scene photographer.

“There were enough bloody scenes to make Anton’s mind seethe: children spattered on the sidewalk by hit and run drivers, young women brutally slain by jealous husbands… men shot by their brothers or best friends, [and] little girls raped... How was he to believe that there was… God… watching over all these people?” (Barton 1992, p. 59).

LaVey established The Church of Satan on the basis that people should be made accountable to each other – rather than waiting for “some supreme deity to dole out justice” (Barton 1992, p. 59). In a courtroom, what is justice but revenge in a fancy suit?

He also critiqued the rate in which Americans (and indirectly, western society) were swallowing the rhetoric of consumerism:

“Identities are sold at a premium, a precious commodity. The common man is sold individuality with every beer ad or shoe commercial… In previous centuries, the Church was the great controller, dictating morality, stifling free expression and posing as great conservator of all [things] great. Instead we have TV dictating fashions, thoughts, attitudes [and] objectives…” (LaVey cited in Barton 1992, p. 131-132).

Hence LaVey founded The Church of Satan to liberate people “from a contagion of mindlessness that destroys innovation” (LaVey 1992, p. 122). Does anyone else see a how this resonates with traditional liberalist philosophy?

For me the scariest thing about reading Lavey’s biography was being able to admit that on some points, maybe he was right. I am not, however, advocating Satanism. Nor am I not proclaiming that I am one. There are numerous aspects about Satanism that I don’t agree with – such as it’s Darwinist approach to social engineering, its belief in the supernatural, it’s aims to eradicate all other existing religions, or it’s seemingly short fuse to justify vengeful acts (see The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth).

I merely wish to present a side of Satanism and it’s founder that I don’t think penetrates mainstream society apart from what we see on MTV or Guitar Hero.

Love, Noeline
xox

Other Sources:
Barton, B. 1992, The Secret Life of a Satanist: the authorized biography of Anton LaVey, Feral House, New York.

LaVey, A. 1992, The Devil’s Notebook, Durango, Mexico.

Subjectivity

M: What's a good pick up line? Do they work on you?
N: Not really. If anything I find them amusing and just laugh.
Although, I think they'd work on girls with low self esteem.
M: What do you mean?
N: Well, why else would a girl believe anything some random said to her unless she needed reassurance?
M: Either that, or the guy just has really low standards.

Key terms for effective perving

Girls are each other's worst enemy. When it comes to the looks department we're more critical of each other than men are about us.

When hanging out with my guy friends and scoping out potential prey - they are oblivious to cellulite, dry hair and ugly nails - among numerous other things. Is it any wonder then, that they don't realise when we get haircuts? And then when it finally comes to a girl we agree on - they say she's hot when she's just cute.

So in a bid to end this feud once and for all, here's what we mean when we say that a girl is:

Cute: In hope of a better metaphor, she looks like a teddy bear. Innocent and infantile. Kinda like your best friend's little sister. She makes you want to pinch her cheeks... and that's about it.

Hot: Oozing in sexual appeal. While you're jizzing your pants, she warps our sexual orientation and we're lesbian for the time our eyes are laid on her.

Pretty: An elusive category. Like Audrey Hepburn, think timeless beauty. They have a classic look about themselves.

Beautiful: We like to save this word for people we actually know. And sometimes it has nothing to do with looks. It means they have big hearts and amazing personalities.

Ganga: They wear clothes two sizes too small, whilst following Jordan's (Katie Price) fashion sense. We know some of you would still 'tap that' regardless.

Average: Her features might fit into place, but there's nothing striking about her. We wouldn't give her a second glance.

Happy browsing, boys!

Love, Noeline
xox

The Englishes

What is an accent? According to Wikipedia, “an accent is a manner of pronunciation of a language.” But why do we find accents foreign to our own so tantalisingly attractive?

A couple of weeks ago I forwarded this question. Here’s some of the responses:

- French and Dutch accents because of the way their words just roll off their tongue.
- Accents make the world of difference. I like Scottish and American. It makes them sound more interesting and kind of makes you think of celebrities that have those accents.
- I suppose Italian, French, maybe even South African. I like to think I’m an individual; I like to stand out. So being with someone who has an accent almost feels like the match is a turn on.
- I like the pommy accent, because it’s just hot. But I like any accents I guess, it’s good to hear something different if you get what I mean.
- I blush at the sound of a distinctly European accent: Swedish, Scandinavian (Danish, Icelandic, Norwegian, etc), Balkan, Slavic and French.
- English, just because it reminds me of Jude Law. Accents are attractive because it's something different to what you're used to
- I’m attracted to someone with a hot Latino accent. There's something so fascinating about foreign things because they are always so unpredictable, and its what keeps excitement going :)

Personally, show me a man with a British accent and I turn to butter. In fact, an ad for Axe deodorant (otherwise known as Lynx) submits itself as the cure against girls just like me.



However, what’s considered hot or not in the realm of accents is left to contention, perhaps owing to the stereotypes attached to them. An article by the UK Telegraph writes that

“People with Brummie accents are perceived as the least intelligent in the country because of an assumption that they are likely to be criminals... Psychologists also claimed that a Yorkshire accent has overtaken the Queen's English as the pronunciation most strongly associated with wisdom and intellect.”

So what then is strongly associated with the Indian accent? Check out the following clip by comedian Russel Peters.



But regardless of what your accent conjures up, it seems that all you need is a Bud Light beer.




Love, Noeline
xox

Highly Recommended

"Anything could be true. The law of gravity was nonsense... 'If he thinks he floats off the floor, and if I simultaneously think I see him do it, then the thing happens... It doesn't really happen. We imagine it. It is hallucination.' He pushed the thought under instantly. The fallacy was obvious. It pre-supposed that somewhere or other, outside oneself, there was a 'real' world where 'real' things happened. But how could there be such a world? What knowledge have we of anything, save through our own minds? All happenings are in the mind. Whatever happens in all minds, truly happens."

Love, Noeline
xox

The Social Detox Diet

A couple of weeks ago I decided to call it quits with my old mobile phone provider – and with it came the sacrifice of those catchy digits I grew to love.

So why the change? Well, conditions for free chat time was constantly changing. Each amendment left me more and more short-changed than the last.

Then came the time for what is probably the third most grand announcement one will ever make in their lifetime “I HAVE A NEW NUMBER!” (after “I’M GETTING MARRIED!” AND “I’M HAVING A BABY!”).

But I decided not to. I realised that, just like the mobile phone provider, the people in that sim card stopped being beneficial to me. It’s not that I only associate with people whom I can use, it’s just that we stopped bringing out the best in each other. It’s not that I doubt my friendship with them was once great and wonderful, but that we’ve both changed.

According to Lifehack

“sometimes in life, it is necessary to let go of people that no longer serve as a support, but instead lead to stress and to problematic situations commonly referred to as “drama”. It is a hard truth to accept that not all the people that come into our lives are meant to stay.”

Though I’m not recommending that everyone should change their mobile numbers, there’s a host of other (braver) ways of breaking up with friends.

First, make a list containing why you think you shouldn’t be friends with this person anymore. According to wikiHow, common reasons include:

- [Taking] advantage of your good nature: is possessive, bullies, manipulates or makes you feel guilty
- One friend gets into habits that you don't agree with
- Your friend is only concerned with him/her self, and never pauses to think about anyone else
- S/he leans on you, but can't take the time to help you with your problems
- Your 'friend' says belittling/insulting things to or about you

Writing things down clears the head and can either (1) make you realise you’re overreacting, or (2) it might confirm your decision to break up with that person. If the latter prevails - spend less time with them. “Cut your conversations a little shorter, or mak[e] yourself less available to hang out… [and] don't agree to plans” (wikiHow).

Then comes the hard part, the part that most of us try to avoid: talk to them about it. However, “sending a letter or an e-mail might spare your friend some embarrassment, and save you the face-to-face awkwardness [but] it can also make you look… wimpy and weak” (wikiHow). It clears misconceptions on both sides about what went wrong, instead of gossiping to and involving mutual friends.

So what if you’re on the receiving end of the break-up? According to Dinorah Blackman, “Take the time to seriously and honestly evaluate your attitude. Maybe you need to work on some unattractive aspect of your personality or maybe you just have the bad habit of surrounding yourself with people that do not really appreciate you.”

What do you think? Share your thoughts and experiences by commenting – and remember that you can do so anonymously!

Love, Noeline
xox

Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future. - Ashleigh Brilliant

Today I was unsuspectingly rolling spring rolls when my mum told me that growing up, she used the same paste (a concoction of corn flour and water) for conventional purposes. And there I was assuming that Adam and Eve stuck leaves on their privates with a Bostik Glu Stik. Nonetheless, it inspired the search for vintage ads and marvel at how far we've come.


I don't even know how to comprehend this... a NASA space control thing? Check out the joy stick!


Tell your Telex operator it's a type writer.


The computer looks more like a microwave, or television. And look at the floppy disk drives!


My house phone is smaller than this.


Coke: giving back the kilojoules you just burnt.



The solution to a sexually liberated girlfriend.


I didn't get this ad until I noticed that the razor blade was an actual blade blade.


After Maybelline came Adobe Photoshop.


And I thought the Ab-King Pro was ridiculous!


Just when you thought scrunchees were social suicide.


You wish.

By the time we have kids, what's the bet they'll be scoring iPods in their happy meals? And while they've got some weird music cranking in their headphones that we can't even begin to conceive of - we'll be pressing them with our sufferings of what it was like back in our day.

Fuel for talk.

gossip [gos-uhp] noun.
1. idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others

And it seems that there's a little bit of Gossip Girl in all of us. According to Gerstein

Bonding with another individual feels pleasurable, even when it is done at the expense of a third party. It is assumed that those who unite in their criticism of a third party are superior to the berated person. "We think that what she did is outrageous. We would never do anything like this to anyone". The false illusion of superiority temporarily elevates the level of self-esteem of the "gossippers"... a way to avoid dealing with their own problems by concentrating on how poorly others solve theirs.

But be careful what you criticise about other people; because your audience might be going through and/or feeling the exact same thing.

Don't be surprised if they'd rather confide in your enemy than you.

Love, Noeline
xox

He said, she said.

“Four corners doesn’t say that what took place in room 21 of the Racecourse Hotel was sexual assault. But a woman involved in degrading group sex can still be traumatised whether she consents or not” – 37:09, 4 Corners

… And your point is?

Is it the fault of Matthew Johns and the other players that it took this woman five bloody days before deciding to take it back?

Heck, if I consent to sky diving and decided that it was traumatising by the time I hit the ground, would it be right for me to hold the company, the pilot and the other people sky diving accountable because all they did was participate and/or watch on?

Did bragging to her co-workers not attract enough attention?

I might pity her for doing something she eventually regretted, but I don’t pity her for blaming and ruining the lives of other people for it.


When society and the media would rather go crazy over consented group sex than the fact that participant Matthew Johns did so without the consent of his wife – there is definitely something going on there.

Going up?

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I got into a heated argument about whether the toilet seat should be left up or down. And as you could have guessed, I vied for it to be down, whereas he insisted it should be left up.

I SAY...
- Unless we're using a public toilet at seven eleven, girls don't make a mental note to make sure that the toilet seat is down - we just expect it to be.

- Think it sounds stupid? How many female readers have fallen victim to being greeted by a cold slab of cement where the sun don't shine? Or worse, the combo of realising that you're also sitting on left overs that didn't quite make the bowl? Or even more worse, falling right in?

- Boys are the only ones who use it up anyway, so they should put it back down while they're there.

- We've been brought up to think that leaving the toilet seat up is rude to do to others, and rude to have done to you. Just wait till we tell your mum.

- It looks nicer. As Paul Aitken points out, "No bathroom featured in a home magazine is ever shown with the lid [let alone seat] up."

Reasons such as mine have led one man to start a forum - concluding that women should put up with the habits of men and "hover" from now on. Writing under the name the name moJoe, he deduces that...

1. Women enter the bathroom with their eyes closed or while staring at the ceiling.
2. Women open the bathroom door and then proceed to back into the bathroom using their rear-end to locate the toilet.
3. Women only do bathroom business after daylight hours and are incapable of and/or unwilling to operate a light switch.
4. All women are very cleverly hiding the fact that they are born blind.
5. Toilets/toilet seats are diabolically engineered to be completely invisible to women.

Coming from a woman, we are not blind, nor are toilets invisible. Growing up, it was an ultimate truth that the toilet seat stays down. (Save for those few traumatic experiences that only reinforced the male members of our family to put it back down). So we never developed any habitual tendencies that would cause us to look down every single bloody time we went to do our business.

HE SAYS...
- For starters, as if you'd fall in. That's one of the most stupid things I've ever heard.

- It's sexist and discriminatory labour that men should be the one to put the toilet seat back down after we've used it.

- Women are lazy for not checking whether or not it's up.

- Women are just too lazy to put it back down.

Take a lesson from your comrade who states that

"Foreplay begins with putting the toilet seat down without being asked!" - Larry James

So if you're male, and plan to pee all over the toilet seat to reap revenge on your significant other (like some men in this forum have), just don't expect to get any.

Love, Noeline
xox

My favourite ad of all time

Chequebook

The following is an appropriated exceprt from an essay I did last year. I’m not an academic (yet) but it was marked by one or a few, and I got a Distinction if that helps my credibility. Thought I’d share it with you all while Facebook is still timely and hasn’t been usurped by Twitter yet.

“Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life” (Facebook 2008), and then some. You may or may not have noticed the banner ads on the right hand side of your home page. But just how much you’ve been sucked into them might give us an indication of how well Facebook fulfils its purpose as a White Pages for third party businesses – a database of “sixty million active members” (Krivac 2008, p. 41).

From an economic perspective, the pitfalls of broadcast advertising, which saw the wasted energy of companies “pushing their message to consumers who would never buy their product” is alleviated by “niche communities [who] put the consumer at the beginning” (Digital Branding 2008). This is a major theme captured by Hirst and Harrison (2007) who argue that

the commercialisation of the internet in the past fifteen years has also led to a greater corporate reliance in personal data to refine advertising and marketing techniques at the heart of narrowcasting (p. 286).

Facebook achieves this “by collating ever more detailed subscriber profiles… to categorise users, charging premiums for the sale of these groups to advertisers seeking highly specific niche markets” (Murray 2005, p. 424 cited in Hirst and Harrison 2007, p. 69).

Facebook's Beacon records the “clickstream” (Hirst 2007, p. 285), or browsing patterns of its members through the use of cookies: “a small, unobtrusive piece of software… used to track preferences when visiting that website… [to construct] a profile of the computer user” (Hirst and Harrison 2007, p. 284). Facebook would then advertise similar searches on the ‘News Feed’ of the individual and their network of friends.

On the receiving end, members claim that their personal details were exploited for capitalist gain. For example, Chris Nash reveals that Facebook makes money by “extract[ing] information from people’s private to private communications” (2008, 3:30min)* and sell it to advertisers, as well as businesses for the purpose of screening potential employees. Yet, “the supporters of free-market data-mining argue that they are only trying to satisfy consumer demand” (Hirst and Harrison 2007, p. 326).

With legal policies slow to catch up, the government “must be careful that it does not appear to be too hastily doing the bidding of the major commercial players” (Hirst and Harrison 2007, p. 279). But when “personal data become the lawful property of Internet firms, and of their clients” (Castells 2001, p. 174) to ”monopol[ise] control over the information… so that it can tax advertisers wishing to reach these individuals at the highest possible rate” (New Era of Advertising Hinges on the Free Flow of Information 2007) - an ethico-legal paradox becomes apparent.

From personal experience, when I started posting status updates about the large amount of food I ate that day, I was bombarded with weight loss ads such as the ones below.




While posting comments to my friend about the PCD concert, I was quick to receive this.


Oh, and they also know that I love to write.




Don’t believe me? Let me introduce you to my best friend Jeremy. He’s Asian and he likes basketball. Keen to move out of home, he recently searched real estate online. “Bingo!” shouted Facebook.




As can be seen, socialisation within a virtual landscape brings with it issues of ownership, control, ethics, privacy; and the disclosure of consumer buying habits, preferences and personal details. But is the invasion of our privacy a fair price to pay for keeping up with our friends?

I wonder what ad I’ll get next. Anti-spyware software, perhaps? How close do your Facebook ads hit home? Tell us by clicking on the ‘comment’ link below.


SOURCES

2007, ‘New Era of Advertising Hinges on the Free Flow of Information’, Marketing Week, 15 November, p. 22.

2008, Digital Branding: Close friends, New Media Age, London.

Castells, M. 2002, The Internet Galaxy: Reflections on the Internet, Business and Society, Oxford, New York.

Hirst, M. and Harrison, J. 2007, Communication and New Media: From Broadcast to Narrowcast, Oxford, Victoria.

Price, J. 2008, Facebook: Making Friends or Making Sales?, Facebook Podcast Part 1: Jenna talks to Chris Nash, Communication and Information Environments, University of Technology, Sydney.

Krivac, T. 2008, ‘Facebook 101: Ten Things You Need to Know About Facebook’, Information Today, Vol. 25 Issue 3, pp. 1-44.

The one thing I wish 14 years of schooling had taught me, but hadn't.

And that's that in the real world it's all about quantity, not quality.

I started my second job in a retail department store when I was 15. I was doing about two to three shifts a week, in perfect sync with my school hours.

I was recommended by a friend who already worked there. I did a maths test as part of my interview and scored 100%. I figured that all the extra-curricular activities listed on my resume impressed them. After all, school said they would, and school would never teach anything that wasn't true.

I felt appreciated. I went from someone arranging the racks to a cashier, to someone training the newbies, handling the cash flow and lay-by (sometimes the latter three at the same time). I had been at the company for two years, and my 18th birthday was coming round the mountain.

And that's exactly the point where my shifts were suddenly reduced to a single four hour shift every two weeks. It was like a plague that affected all of the almost 18 year olds. We soon noticed a bunch of newbies strutting their stuff into the staff room. While they were trying to be our friends, all we were thinking was "What the hell are you doing here?". We were fighting for shifts enough as it was.

Then we were informed of a new rule where you could only swap shifts with people your own age - or younger so as not to mess up the manager's budget on salaries.

You know those awkward situations with friends where you suddenly realise that they never really ever liked you, and it's humiliating because you thought so highly of them? Well, it was like that. The sudden influx of new, noticeably younger staff was the company's way of saying "Thanks for everything but we don't need you anymore. You're just too expensive. And it's because of your experience that we'll let you hang around just long enough to train the new people before wiping your name off our records." I guess it's kind of like how women feel when their husbands leave them for a young, ditsy slut with big boobs.

I immediately went for a Christmas casual job at another retail store. It was a relief to find a store that didn't think I was already due for retirement. I was getting about four shifts a week, more than the other Christmas casuals, two of whom were my friends. So I figured I must have been doing something right. That was, until I got the chicken pox. By the time I got better I didn't get any shifts. Sure it was a Christmas casual job, but was it so hard for them to tell me that I wasn't needed anymore than have me come in every week to check the roster? Walking out of the store empty handed was like the walk of shame when contestants are booted off a show, except this time you didn't know whether you were out or not.

I'm currently at another retail job that isn't age-ist. But we're sent home early during quiet days - which I guess is kind of understandable if you live 5 minutes away, and frustrating when you live 45 minutes away by train, up to 2 hours if there's track work - and that's not including the 45 minutes walk to and/or from the train station, or the 40 minute wait for the next bus that goes to your area.

A friend of mine works at a place where the staff are treated like walking dollar signs - and not like actual human beings with feelings. The manager will assign manual jobs that I doubt even superman could finish within the time the staff are given. The manager will say "Good job keep it up!" to my friend's face - and "Fuck he's slow, as if he hasn't had long enough to do those tasks" to another coworker. My friend's manager will also shave as much hours, commissions and bonuses off his employees' time sheets without it being noticeable, unless they closely scrutinised it. This same manager will also yell at casuals over the phone when they can't come into work. "Do you know what it means to be a casual?" he will scream. For him, being a casual means waiting next to the phone every minute of the day for the rest of your life and not having anything worth living for than going to a workplace that won't include you in the roster.

If you're reading this and have stories of your own, remember: sharing is caring.

Love, Noeline.
xox

One for you, Two for me

"Mine, mine, mine!" Have you ever noticed how much little kids love pointing out that something is theirs?

When we were young, my brother and I used to fight over the free tazos that come in packets of chips. When my other brother came along, I used to taunt that our mother was actually my mother, and my mother only. His response was to hug our mum in defense and cry. But some people never grow out of this possessiveness.

I have a quite a few friends who don’t tell their partner when they see or speak to a certain someone/s outside of their relationship. I ask them why. They say it’s because they know their partner will get angry. Or in other words, jealous.

But if lying includes the things you don’t say (and not just the things you do say that aren’t true), does it not then constitute, if not the slightest form of cheating? If the relationship was platonic, why would you go through all the effort of hiding it?

Is it not logically easier to have a fight, and get the compromising over and done with – than spend the rest of your life manoeuvring around particular friends without your partner’s knowledge? And even if the compromise meant a break up, then you’d leave… right? Bros before hoes? Chicks before dicks? BFF’s?

Well, apparently this is easier said than done when you’re in, or have been in this situation. I had a friend who practically disappeared off the face of the planet when she started going out with her on-again-off-again boyfriend. He made her delete every single contact number off her phone, save for him and her family. “But he’s good to me,” she says, trying to justify the situation. So almost any form of outside communication, including her conversation with me, was secretly devoured like a binge eating anorexic.

According to marriage and family therapist Joan Lachkar, such behaviour is actually a degenerate, more dangerous form of jealousy: envy. “ENVY… is destructive, possessive, controlling, and does not allow outside intruders in.” Bevan agrees. According to him, "Jealousy is… a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, arising from a situation in which the partner's involvement with an activity and/or another person is contrary to the jealous person's definition of their relationship.”

Another friend of mine said he was jealous upon finding out that a girl he used to like was now seeing someone else, even though he already had a girlfriend. I asked him if this jealousy meant that he would rather be with the other girl over his current girlfriend. “No, I’m jealous of the fact that another guy pulled the exact same moves I did, and that it worked out successfully for him, but not for me. That’s all.”

This resembles the politically correct definition of jealousy. Joan Lachkar explains that “Jealousy, unlike envy, is… whereby one desires the object, but does not seek to destroy it or the… rival.”

Sibling rivalry is also a common example. Take for example an anonymous contributor; let’s call him William. When he was young, William’s parents bought him a toy sword. A few days later, his brother was treated with an even bigger, better light-up sword. Not because it was his birthday, but because he got jealous of William. Now in their teens, William toiled for hours at a part time job in order to save for a laptop. His same brother got one for free, from their parents. Knowing that William would get jealous, they bought him an iPod.

Yet, another contributor admits that she has double standards when it comes to her boyfriend. She spends hours assuring her boyfriend that her boy friends seek her purely platonic company. But when it comes to her boyfriend spending time with his girl friends, she feels a littlelest, tiniest, teeniest pang of jealousy. “It reassures me that I still care for him. So a little jealousy is healthy,” she says.

If there’s one thing I’m jealous of, it’s of people who can drive. I’d have to work over two hours for a one hour driving lesson. And driving lessons would mean giving up my university degree, which requires me to study overseas for a year. I’m jealous that people can drive to work located nowhere near public transport. I’m jealous of people who don’t have to ask their friends’ parents to drive them around. I’m jealous of people who have parent/s who are confident enough to teach them how to drive, or have a parent who does live within the same proximity.

Coming from a broken family, I’m jealous that girls from a nuclear family are more likely to trust men than I am. As thankful as I am for the lessons my parent’s divorce has taught me, I’m jealous that for other girls, their template of a happy marriage is their parents’.

But since my mum says likens having a car to having a baby (the finance, the upkeep), and since I probably wouldn’t be as strong-willed and independent as I am had it not been for my parent’s divorce, then maybe it’s true that

“Jealousy is all the fun you think they had”
- Erica Jong (American writer and feminist, 1942).

So... what are you jealous of? Let it all out in the comments section. Adios amigos!

Love, Noeline.
xox

SOURCE
Bevan, J.L. 2004, ‘General partner and relational uncertainty as consequences of another person's jealousy expression’ in Western Journal of Communication, Vol. 68, pp. 195-218.