Dating people your friends have been with, no-go zone or free for all?

"They're going out now, didn't you know that?"
I should have been happy at the news that two of my friends had started dating. But thing was, the guy was my ex. It wasn't that I was still hung up on him. In fact, he was all hers for the taking.
What got to me was that I had to find out through the grape vine. She and I hung out a lot and spoke almost everyday. I considered her a good friend. So how did something like THAT fail to come up in conversation?
Was she ashamed? Was she scared that I would be angry? Or maybe because my relationship with him was nothing serious and I was already seeing someone new, she assumed I would be okay with it.
But what if, despite all that, I wasn't over him? It's funny how hypothetical situations can prove how much you mean to someone.
I couldn't talk to her about certain things for a while after that. In any other situation, questions natural to girltalk like whether or not he was a good kisser were, well, out of the question.

And to think I was suffering. What more for people whose good friends start dating someone they were actually serious with? Actually in love with? Actually engaged with? Actually married with? Actually had kids with?

So when it comes to dating people your friends have been with, is it a no-go zone or free for all?

Here's some of the responses I received on Facebook:
- With BILLIONS of people in the world today, why would you restrict yourself to your friend's crumbs?
- No-go zone. "Don't shit where you eat."
- No-go zone: Who wants someone else's dirty seconds, especially someone you're close to?
- If things progress later on, I don't want to be at that altar knowing the guy standing next to me, or sitting in the church has banged my wife.
- There are millions of men and women in Australia, and the world - I'm sure people can find one their friend hasn't slept with.
- You just don't date your friend's ex. It's a respect issue.
- I don't think it's entirely a no-go zone! It would have to depend on circumstances, like how serious your friend was with them. For example, if it was a small fling and they both don't mind, then why not?

The last point reminded me of when I was on a Greek islands tour, and met two girls who were travelling together. Upon being asked how they knew each other one of them explained, "I'm going out with her ex. So actually, we met through him!" It's a question that tends to get asked a lot when meeting groups of people within groups of people, and they laughed every single time – less at the situation and more at everyone else's reaction to their reply.
"I was so nervous about telling her. I was scared she was going to hate me."
"No, I was fine with it. I could never hate her. It had been a while since I was with him, and I'm happy for her because I see now that he's grown up a lot."

But not everyone is as happy nor graceful about friends dating old flames, regardless of whether that flame lasted a night or years. Like one person mentioned above, it's a respect issue. But can there be such thing as being too possessive? Can you call dibbs on people you had a crush on? People you kissed once? On fuck buddies? And exactly what level of friendship do you need before a certain level of decency (i.e. talking) can be expected? When even talking doesn't guarantee that things will stay the same, it all depends on how much you're willing to sacrifice in the potential consequence of losing their friendship.

“I assured her that this was something that just sort of happened... I was surprised at how well she took the news... After a few weeks, I started hearing from her less... We still remain friends but aren’t nearly as close as we used to be. But that’s the price I paid for getting involved with her ex. I bet most times it doesn’t work out quite as well as it did for me. Honestly, I don’t know if I would be happy if I was on the other side of things myself. My advice to anyone considering dating a friend’s ex is to carefully think about it and what the outcome and consequences might be.”
- Anonymous, Dating Trek.

After all, you should never assume how much or how little someone meant (or still means) to someone else. For example, your friend might only have kissed the guy you want to pursue – but for all you know she could have secretly been in love with him for a long time before that. Despite news that they have started dating other people, talking gives them the opportunity to admit to feelings they might still harbour.

If you're lucky enough to get your friend's blessing, what then? Veronica, author of 'Can You Date Your Friend's Ex?' cautions against making comparisons. Whereas previously you would have enjoyed dissecting one another's failed relationships, doing so now would imply shortcomings on their part. It's like saying "Your ex likes me better because I'm funnier than you." According to AskMen.com, “90% of the guys out there don’t want to hear about their exes being with anybody they know -- friend or otherwise.”

Another complication is that sometimes people pursue other people purely to make an ex jealous. Be weary of other people's intentions, and honest with your own.

Finally, what if things don't work out and you too become an ex? Not only have you lost a partner, but also the friend you'd normally turn to.

Opinions?

Love, Noeline
xox

Palaeontology

Early on in our relationship, I would hug him through clothes she bought for him.

One time we were going through his family photo albums – only to find it specked with photos of her.

Feeling cold at his house one night, he gave me something to throw on. Turns out I wasn’t the only girl who’s worn it.

Another time he was cleaning his room. In the process of throwing out perfectly good pens, he came across a perfectly good notebook. Having scolded him about having thrown away perfectly good pens, he threw me the perfectly good notebook. Turns out it wasn’t blank.

In each of these situations, you could have thrown me into a pool of elephant dung and I’d have felt less disgusted.

And that’s when I fast-forwarded decades into the future. What if the man I end up marrying kept wearing the clothes and using the jewellery his ex-girlfriend handpicked for him? What if I moved in with him only to cook, dine, sleep and watch TV using the furniture and appliances he bought with his ex-fiancée? The thought terrified me. Is there any way out of this mess, or is it just a part of life I haven’t yet learned to accept?

So, is it okay to keep things from your ex? eg. letters, clothes, etc.?From the responses prevailed a group of functionalists:

“If you return it, he or she will [just] throw it away. Why throw away good things? It’s a waste. What if it’s a Play Station 3? I wouldn’t want to throw that away. If your ex-boyfriend gave you a Louis Vuitton bag, wouldn’t you still keep it if you guys broke up?

“If it has a purpose, such as a vacuum, expensive labelled clothing, hose, shower head, auto mobile or umbrella – keep it!”

“I was given a soft toy giraffe that I absolutely adore and I still have. My current boyfriend doesn't mind at all. I guess if the relationship is strong enough things like that shouldn't matter”

“After my last break up I ripped every single letter and photo… and as for the things he's given like clothes, bags and other material things, they just become part of my wardrobe and I forget who even gave me what”Then we have the sceptics. They argue that keeping things from past relationships is disrespectful to the partner/s that follow.

“I don’t it’s right. It’s like you’re hanging on to something – some type of hope – even if it is a Tiffany & Co. bracelet or Miu Miu handbag - you have to let go”

“Only okay if you use the items for Voodoo, otherwise trash that shit”

“Keeping them reflects some sort of attachment and it wouldn't be right if you really cared for the one you’re with.”

“I don’t get why you would want to hold on to your past… it causes problems. You never know, you could be married and your wife finds your letters and ex-numbers stashed away. How do you explain yourself then? I know a few couples who kept that kind of stuff and got caught red-handed - married couples too”

“I was with my boyfriend for three years. When he was cleaning out his cupboard this year he showed me all this stuff his ex’s gave him: cards, letters and notes. Ummm WTF? It’s not cool to keep that shit!”

“That’s a difficult one to generalise on because I think that certain situations would render it inappropriate and others would make it okay. Basically it's not okay to keep things from your ex if you want to move on or have already done so. But I think its okay during that ‘mourning period’ where uncertainty is everything and you don't know if you can move on. But yeah when you snap out of it, it shouldn't even be an issue, throw it out!”

“I used to [keep the things my ex gave me], but not anymore. I think people hang on to things like love letters because they hope they'll find something like that again. When you do, you don't feel the need to keep them anymore. [For example,] my ex wrote me a few songs and I kept them for months after we broke up until I found my current boyfriend. I threw the CDs out because I'm so much happier now than I was then. I don't need to hang on to that hope anymore”

“There are some things I kept from ex’s. It was a bit of sentimental value, but a few years later, when I find them again, I might have a laugh or a shake of the head, but yeah in the bin it goes”Surprisingly - only ONE respondent agreed that it was okay to keep the things given him/her from an ex:

“I’ve only kept the ones from my first love in a box he gave me. I’m not holding onto hope or what not, it’s just a part of my life that I smile and laugh at what when I read them (which is like once in a blue moon). I think keeping them doesn’t mean you want to get back with them, it just shows that at one point in you life you were able to love and be loved in return”
But with all these things said, what do you do when one person thinks it’s okay and the other person doesn’t? Should the functionalist succumb to throwing away perfectly good things? Or should empiricists simply learn to deal with it?

A few people I've spoken to said that it depends on the situation - whether or not your ex and your current boy/girlfriend get along. That if your new boy/girlfriend has a problem with your ex/s - it's best not having things lying around to upset him/her.

What do you think? Simply click on the comment link below - especially for those of you who didn’t get to share your thoughts and/or experiences the first time round.

Love, Noeline
xox