For every moment of our lives, there is a song to go with it. And after a break up, I find that my ears automatically fine-tune themselves sensitive to finding a song, a line, a beat - that encapsulates a hundred feelings all at the same time – my feelings - into something that resembles sense, order.
In the past, I found I could rely on What's Changed by Craig David. In the sound track of my life, this was the song I could most relate to the most – when post break up uncertainty was thick.
Hey, baby
Oh tell me, babe
Why do you wanna play these games with me?
Thought you always wanted to be with me
Well at first girl, I wanted to
But things have changed between me and you
That's why I don't know what I'm gonna do
Lately, you say I been acting kinda strangely
Like I don't love you no more
You say "call me"
But I just can't explain
It's all so crazy
Between me and you, baby
And even though at first you meant the world to me
The time has come to spread my wings and be set free
So I can figure out a place where I belong
To find my way home now love is gone
Why don't you call me no more?
It was every night you were calling me before
Given half a chance, you'd be knocking at my door
So, tell me what's changed
Baby, tell me what's changed
Why don't you give me some time
Tell me, cuz I can't get you out of my mind
But up until now, we been doing just fine
So, tell me what's changed
Baby tell me what's changed
Baby
Since we met, I've treat you like a lady
But now I don't know what to do
I think maybe
It's just that my well for you has run empty
What am I gonna do, baby?
And even though at first, you made me so happy
My love for you has changed, so put the blame on me
Under pressure, it's too hard for me to stay
And I get so guilty when you page me everyday, with hope
Why won't you answer my page?
It was you who said things were never gonna change
And it seems like lately you're acting kinda strange
So, tell me what's changed
Baby, tell me what's changed
Why can't you even pass by?
Spend some of your time, even just to say hi
You're not the type of guy who would make a girl cry
So, tell me what's changed
Baby, tell me what's changed
Girl, I know
It seems like I don't care
After all the things we used to share
Now I know it feels like I've done you wrong
But the pain will heal the sooner that I'm gone
Why don't you call me no more?
It was every night you were calling me before
Given half a chance, you'd be knocking at my door
So, tell me what's changed
Baby, tell me what's changed
Why don't you give me some time?
Tell me, cuz I can't get you out of my mind
But up until now, we been doing just fine
So, tell me what's changed
Baby, tell me what's changed (saying now tell me what's changed, baby)
Why won't you answer my page?
It was you who said things were never gonna change
And it seems like lately you're acting kinda strange
So, tell me what's changed
Baby, tell me what's changed
Why can't you even pass by?
Spend some of your time, even just to say hi
You're not the type of guy who would make a girl cry
So, tell me what's changed
Baby, tell me what's changed
Girl, I never meant to make you cry
But its so hard to find the words to say
So I never wanted girl, to hurt you
Girl please believe me
During one of those sleepless nights, it happened. I wasn't moved. My emotions were still being stirred all right, just not in the same direction as before.
After two and a half years, what changed? And that's when I realised: nothing changed. That's the thing.
We were as perfect as two imperfect people could possibly be together. For a couple who had nothing in common, we got along extremely well. He made me laugh most when he wasn't trying. He told me that I'm not as good at hiding my feelings as I claim I am. I think he just got better at understanding me. And as corny as it sounds, we kind of grew up together. He felt like home. For two and a half years he catered to the side of me that was looking for love, happiness, trust, security and stability.
But now, the other side of me has decided it's her turn. The side that wants to find herself again. The side that wants to experience new things. The side that wants to meet new people. I want to do it all without seeking his approval, especially his friends' approval. I want to do it wtihout hurting him. This is the side of me who hates being owned.
This is the side of me that, at eighteen, refuses to change. She thinks it's too soon. And if not wanting to settle down now makes me a bad person, then so be it.
Introducing, my new break up anthem: I'm Not Missing You by Stacie Orrico.
I'm not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiosity
Now that it's over
What else could it be he just had to cheat
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you
It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?
I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around
No I can't be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it's right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life
Monday 23 June 2008
Monday 16 June 2008
Kiss Your Sex Life Goodbye
If there's one thing that separates we humans from most of the animal kingdom – it's our innate ability to reason. It's hoisted us to the top of the food chain; but could this consciousness be a curse more than it is a blessing? This got me thinking: do such emotions blur or define the lines of courtship and sexual reproduction?
Kissing is an almost universal activity, with 90% of human cultures getting in on the act – led by sex at 100%... obviously.
Plus, when you have more boy friends than girl friends, you learn a thing or two about porn. Very rarely will the actors kiss romantically, touch gently or look deeply into each other's eyes. Most often the sex is fast paced, the language is crude, and the moaning is loud – blowing our candlelit fantasies out at the same time. Meanwhile, girls are transfixing their own image of sex around romantic scenes from The Titanic, The Notebook, Pearl Harbour and what have you. Is it any wonder why complications arise from kissing and having sex?
That's when I got to asking you guys on MSN, MySpace and Facebook: "What means more? A kiss or sex? And why?"
SEX
• Having sex probably means that you're sharing something more intimate and meaningful, unlike a kiss: it's more like a do and go tell everyone. Sex is something you keep between yourself and the significant other… normally.
• Sex, because people don't usually give up sex as easily as they do kisses.
• Sex, because you give all of yourself to the person you love.
THE KISS
• Kiss, because it means that you trust them (when you're not intoxicated).
• If it's someone you want to pursue a relationship with, definitely the kiss. It signifies the blossoming of an intimate relationship. I get more butterflies from the anticipation of a first kiss rather than sex. Sex eventuates from the kiss because you've already established desire from the make out.
• A kiss means more. So much more. Kisses are always intimate, but sex doesn't have to be. I reckon people go fuzzier over kisses than sex, even if the sex is good. I know I do.
• Many sex workers refuse to kiss their clients because it is the most intimate form of sexual contact. Plus sex without kissing means nothing, whereas kissing without sex is still a connection.
IT DEPENDS
• People will regard them differently based on their own values and morals. Perhaps, sex is more meaningful only because it requires more of you - it needs you to be secure with yourself. For those who abstain I think the fact that they're waiting for the 'right one' proves how meaningful it is for them. And having said that, maybe it's more meaningful for people who do it for the first time? What about those that have done it for the tenth? What makes it different each time influences it's meaning.
• It all comes down to the type of relationship you have with the person you kiss or sleep with. At the end of the day - it's only meaningful if you want it to be or not!
• Sex might be more meaningful to people who are deeply in love. But some people just do it like it doesn't mean anything. Some people don't even make kissing meaningful. You always hear people 'hooking up'.
I also did my research, like a little kid looking up the word 'sex' in the dictionary. Some theories suggest that kisses mean more to women than men. This is because women use kissing as a way of assessing potential partners; having to do with notions of family, and protection for herself and her offspring. The way he kisses her is a suggestion of what the sex will be like. Men on the other hand, are more likely to have sex with someone they consider a bad kisser, and/or aren't even attracted to.
This made me realise that kissing and/or having sex doesn't necessarily result in an even exchange. So unless you don't mind being short changed or over charged, just make sure you do it with someone using the same currency!
Kissing is an almost universal activity, with 90% of human cultures getting in on the act – led by sex at 100%... obviously.
Plus, when you have more boy friends than girl friends, you learn a thing or two about porn. Very rarely will the actors kiss romantically, touch gently or look deeply into each other's eyes. Most often the sex is fast paced, the language is crude, and the moaning is loud – blowing our candlelit fantasies out at the same time. Meanwhile, girls are transfixing their own image of sex around romantic scenes from The Titanic, The Notebook, Pearl Harbour and what have you. Is it any wonder why complications arise from kissing and having sex?
That's when I got to asking you guys on MSN, MySpace and Facebook: "What means more? A kiss or sex? And why?"
SEX
• Having sex probably means that you're sharing something more intimate and meaningful, unlike a kiss: it's more like a do and go tell everyone. Sex is something you keep between yourself and the significant other… normally.
• Sex, because people don't usually give up sex as easily as they do kisses.
• Sex, because you give all of yourself to the person you love.
THE KISS
• Kiss, because it means that you trust them (when you're not intoxicated).
• If it's someone you want to pursue a relationship with, definitely the kiss. It signifies the blossoming of an intimate relationship. I get more butterflies from the anticipation of a first kiss rather than sex. Sex eventuates from the kiss because you've already established desire from the make out.
• A kiss means more. So much more. Kisses are always intimate, but sex doesn't have to be. I reckon people go fuzzier over kisses than sex, even if the sex is good. I know I do.
• Many sex workers refuse to kiss their clients because it is the most intimate form of sexual contact. Plus sex without kissing means nothing, whereas kissing without sex is still a connection.
IT DEPENDS
• People will regard them differently based on their own values and morals. Perhaps, sex is more meaningful only because it requires more of you - it needs you to be secure with yourself. For those who abstain I think the fact that they're waiting for the 'right one' proves how meaningful it is for them. And having said that, maybe it's more meaningful for people who do it for the first time? What about those that have done it for the tenth? What makes it different each time influences it's meaning.
• It all comes down to the type of relationship you have with the person you kiss or sleep with. At the end of the day - it's only meaningful if you want it to be or not!
• Sex might be more meaningful to people who are deeply in love. But some people just do it like it doesn't mean anything. Some people don't even make kissing meaningful. You always hear people 'hooking up'.
I also did my research, like a little kid looking up the word 'sex' in the dictionary. Some theories suggest that kisses mean more to women than men. This is because women use kissing as a way of assessing potential partners; having to do with notions of family, and protection for herself and her offspring. The way he kisses her is a suggestion of what the sex will be like. Men on the other hand, are more likely to have sex with someone they consider a bad kisser, and/or aren't even attracted to.
This made me realise that kissing and/or having sex doesn't necessarily result in an even exchange. So unless you don't mind being short changed or over charged, just make sure you do it with someone using the same currency!
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