Things that make him go mmmm...

… I'm thirty years old. I have never, ever cheated on a girlfriend. I only date one girl at a time... But I must admit that I look… no matter how hard I've tried to change, I can't. The only way I can't look is if I focus all attention on not looking… It's a reaction, plain and simple. As involuntary as turning your head when you hear your name…
- Answer Bag

Some call it checking out. Others call it perving. Call it whatever you want, they all mean the same thing. Here are two definitions I grabbed from Urban Dictionary:

To look at someone's features in order to determine that person's level of sexual attractiveness and the extent to which you would like to [fuck them].

…to look them up and down and assess how attracted to them you are, based on physical appearance only. Can be done by both males and females. If you’re a straight guy, you would "check out" girls but not other guys - even if you appreciate that they are attractive, this is different to being attracted to them.

With these things said, is it really harmless to look without touching?

From the outset of our relationship, my boyfriend and I have always perved on girls together. Shopping centers, public spaces and television screens beware. Most times I find it fun. Other times I find it frustrating when he approves of a girl I clearly find unattractive, or disagrees about a girl I find gorgeous. In so doing I’ve taught him such things as the disaster that is fake tan, and the difference between waif bodies and hourglass figures. Without realising, it became a part of our relationship I didn’t question.

That was until numerous friends reported almost breaking up with their partners who either (a) got hurt by ‘inconsiderate’ comments like ‘Damn I’d tap Megan Fox any day’ or (b) didn’t understand how in the world their partner could be offended by similar exclamations.

Wondering if relationship etiquette for such circumstances existed, I put it out there:
Is it okay to perve on other people while in a relationship, whether or not your partner is there with you in person, silently in your head and/or out loud?


Here’s what some of you said:

“I don’t mind. I feel that if one does so silently it means they feel guilty? Which would make you wonder. By that I mean feeling guilt towards their partner because they did it silently (in secret).”

“It is ok to perve at all times. It’s only embarrassing when you get caught by the perve-ee.”

“To 'look' silently is oh but natural, to look 'out loud' is just rude.”

“Depends on the circumstances. If both partners are okay with it then it makes it okay but… one or the other will have their self-esteem affected by it, even in the smallest of ways.”

“My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we've discussed this many times! For us, it's completely ok to 'perve' on other people, as long as it's nothing more than that. I think that looking at the opposite sex is in our nature, and it's not like we have any intentions beyond that, it's just admiring!”

“I reckon it’s a-ok! You’re in a relationship with them so they should be your best bud as well. Your opinions matter and if you think that someone is good looking, either of the opposite sex or not, its a free country and you’re entitled to your opinion. We don’t all date Johnny Depps and Jude laws so just a little perve keeps us sane!”

“I'm ok with it just as long as your partner is always honest and faithful. If you trust them, I don't see the reason why not. Just as long as they're not over the top, and make such a big deal about the hot person that the significant other's self esteem is crushed. Oh, and just as long as they always remind you how beautiful you are too.”


From some of the responses it seems that perving is okay as long as it’s with A-list celebrities us mortals don’t stand a chance of leaving our partners for.

From some of the other responses it seems that who you perve on is beside the point – that to check someone else out is to inadvertently point out the flaws and shortcomings of your partner.

From the rest of the responses it seems that you can’t call a ‘natural’ reflex wrong in the first place. But whether or not you might as well share what’s on your mind or keep them to yourself is a whole other contentious issue.

It seems that Australian men are going with the first option, and not tastefully either. Author of online column called Sex and the Suburbs writes:

I'm not sure if they are aware of how obvious their perving is or if they simply just don't care but when [they] nearly give…[themselves] whiplash to have another look at you when he walks past[,] it's kind of hilarious.

What do you think? I’d love to hear your stories!

Love, Noeline
xox

Palaeontology

Early on in our relationship, I would hug him through clothes she bought for him.

One time we were going through his family photo albums – only to find it specked with photos of her.

Feeling cold at his house one night, he gave me something to throw on. Turns out I wasn’t the only girl who’s worn it.

Another time he was cleaning his room. In the process of throwing out perfectly good pens, he came across a perfectly good notebook. Having scolded him about having thrown away perfectly good pens, he threw me the perfectly good notebook. Turns out it wasn’t blank.

In each of these situations, you could have thrown me into a pool of elephant dung and I’d have felt less disgusted.

And that’s when I fast-forwarded decades into the future. What if the man I end up marrying kept wearing the clothes and using the jewellery his ex-girlfriend handpicked for him? What if I moved in with him only to cook, dine, sleep and watch TV using the furniture and appliances he bought with his ex-fiancée? The thought terrified me. Is there any way out of this mess, or is it just a part of life I haven’t yet learned to accept?

So, is it okay to keep things from your ex? eg. letters, clothes, etc.?From the responses prevailed a group of functionalists:

“If you return it, he or she will [just] throw it away. Why throw away good things? It’s a waste. What if it’s a Play Station 3? I wouldn’t want to throw that away. If your ex-boyfriend gave you a Louis Vuitton bag, wouldn’t you still keep it if you guys broke up?

“If it has a purpose, such as a vacuum, expensive labelled clothing, hose, shower head, auto mobile or umbrella – keep it!”

“I was given a soft toy giraffe that I absolutely adore and I still have. My current boyfriend doesn't mind at all. I guess if the relationship is strong enough things like that shouldn't matter”

“After my last break up I ripped every single letter and photo… and as for the things he's given like clothes, bags and other material things, they just become part of my wardrobe and I forget who even gave me what”Then we have the sceptics. They argue that keeping things from past relationships is disrespectful to the partner/s that follow.

“I don’t it’s right. It’s like you’re hanging on to something – some type of hope – even if it is a Tiffany & Co. bracelet or Miu Miu handbag - you have to let go”

“Only okay if you use the items for Voodoo, otherwise trash that shit”

“Keeping them reflects some sort of attachment and it wouldn't be right if you really cared for the one you’re with.”

“I don’t get why you would want to hold on to your past… it causes problems. You never know, you could be married and your wife finds your letters and ex-numbers stashed away. How do you explain yourself then? I know a few couples who kept that kind of stuff and got caught red-handed - married couples too”

“I was with my boyfriend for three years. When he was cleaning out his cupboard this year he showed me all this stuff his ex’s gave him: cards, letters and notes. Ummm WTF? It’s not cool to keep that shit!”

“That’s a difficult one to generalise on because I think that certain situations would render it inappropriate and others would make it okay. Basically it's not okay to keep things from your ex if you want to move on or have already done so. But I think its okay during that ‘mourning period’ where uncertainty is everything and you don't know if you can move on. But yeah when you snap out of it, it shouldn't even be an issue, throw it out!”

“I used to [keep the things my ex gave me], but not anymore. I think people hang on to things like love letters because they hope they'll find something like that again. When you do, you don't feel the need to keep them anymore. [For example,] my ex wrote me a few songs and I kept them for months after we broke up until I found my current boyfriend. I threw the CDs out because I'm so much happier now than I was then. I don't need to hang on to that hope anymore”

“There are some things I kept from ex’s. It was a bit of sentimental value, but a few years later, when I find them again, I might have a laugh or a shake of the head, but yeah in the bin it goes”Surprisingly - only ONE respondent agreed that it was okay to keep the things given him/her from an ex:

“I’ve only kept the ones from my first love in a box he gave me. I’m not holding onto hope or what not, it’s just a part of my life that I smile and laugh at what when I read them (which is like once in a blue moon). I think keeping them doesn’t mean you want to get back with them, it just shows that at one point in you life you were able to love and be loved in return”
But with all these things said, what do you do when one person thinks it’s okay and the other person doesn’t? Should the functionalist succumb to throwing away perfectly good things? Or should empiricists simply learn to deal with it?

A few people I've spoken to said that it depends on the situation - whether or not your ex and your current boy/girlfriend get along. That if your new boy/girlfriend has a problem with your ex/s - it's best not having things lying around to upset him/her.

What do you think? Simply click on the comment link below - especially for those of you who didn’t get to share your thoughts and/or experiences the first time round.

Love, Noeline
xox

Key terms for effective perving

Girls are each other's worst enemy. When it comes to the looks department we're more critical of each other than men are about us.

When hanging out with my guy friends and scoping out potential prey - they are oblivious to cellulite, dry hair and ugly nails - among numerous other things. Is it any wonder then, that they don't realise when we get haircuts? And then when it finally comes to a girl we agree on - they say she's hot when she's just cute.

So in a bid to end this feud once and for all, here's what we mean when we say that a girl is:

Cute: In hope of a better metaphor, she looks like a teddy bear. Innocent and infantile. Kinda like your best friend's little sister. She makes you want to pinch her cheeks... and that's about it.

Hot: Oozing in sexual appeal. While you're jizzing your pants, she warps our sexual orientation and we're lesbian for the time our eyes are laid on her.

Pretty: An elusive category. Like Audrey Hepburn, think timeless beauty. They have a classic look about themselves.

Beautiful: We like to save this word for people we actually know. And sometimes it has nothing to do with looks. It means they have big hearts and amazing personalities.

Ganga: They wear clothes two sizes too small, whilst following Jordan's (Katie Price) fashion sense. We know some of you would still 'tap that' regardless.

Average: Her features might fit into place, but there's nothing striking about her. We wouldn't give her a second glance.

Happy browsing, boys!

Love, Noeline
xox

One for you, Two for me

"Mine, mine, mine!" Have you ever noticed how much little kids love pointing out that something is theirs?

When we were young, my brother and I used to fight over the free tazos that come in packets of chips. When my other brother came along, I used to taunt that our mother was actually my mother, and my mother only. His response was to hug our mum in defense and cry. But some people never grow out of this possessiveness.

I have a quite a few friends who don’t tell their partner when they see or speak to a certain someone/s outside of their relationship. I ask them why. They say it’s because they know their partner will get angry. Or in other words, jealous.

But if lying includes the things you don’t say (and not just the things you do say that aren’t true), does it not then constitute, if not the slightest form of cheating? If the relationship was platonic, why would you go through all the effort of hiding it?

Is it not logically easier to have a fight, and get the compromising over and done with – than spend the rest of your life manoeuvring around particular friends without your partner’s knowledge? And even if the compromise meant a break up, then you’d leave… right? Bros before hoes? Chicks before dicks? BFF’s?

Well, apparently this is easier said than done when you’re in, or have been in this situation. I had a friend who practically disappeared off the face of the planet when she started going out with her on-again-off-again boyfriend. He made her delete every single contact number off her phone, save for him and her family. “But he’s good to me,” she says, trying to justify the situation. So almost any form of outside communication, including her conversation with me, was secretly devoured like a binge eating anorexic.

According to marriage and family therapist Joan Lachkar, such behaviour is actually a degenerate, more dangerous form of jealousy: envy. “ENVY… is destructive, possessive, controlling, and does not allow outside intruders in.” Bevan agrees. According to him, "Jealousy is… a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship, arising from a situation in which the partner's involvement with an activity and/or another person is contrary to the jealous person's definition of their relationship.”

Another friend of mine said he was jealous upon finding out that a girl he used to like was now seeing someone else, even though he already had a girlfriend. I asked him if this jealousy meant that he would rather be with the other girl over his current girlfriend. “No, I’m jealous of the fact that another guy pulled the exact same moves I did, and that it worked out successfully for him, but not for me. That’s all.”

This resembles the politically correct definition of jealousy. Joan Lachkar explains that “Jealousy, unlike envy, is… whereby one desires the object, but does not seek to destroy it or the… rival.”

Sibling rivalry is also a common example. Take for example an anonymous contributor; let’s call him William. When he was young, William’s parents bought him a toy sword. A few days later, his brother was treated with an even bigger, better light-up sword. Not because it was his birthday, but because he got jealous of William. Now in their teens, William toiled for hours at a part time job in order to save for a laptop. His same brother got one for free, from their parents. Knowing that William would get jealous, they bought him an iPod.

Yet, another contributor admits that she has double standards when it comes to her boyfriend. She spends hours assuring her boyfriend that her boy friends seek her purely platonic company. But when it comes to her boyfriend spending time with his girl friends, she feels a littlelest, tiniest, teeniest pang of jealousy. “It reassures me that I still care for him. So a little jealousy is healthy,” she says.

If there’s one thing I’m jealous of, it’s of people who can drive. I’d have to work over two hours for a one hour driving lesson. And driving lessons would mean giving up my university degree, which requires me to study overseas for a year. I’m jealous that people can drive to work located nowhere near public transport. I’m jealous of people who don’t have to ask their friends’ parents to drive them around. I’m jealous of people who have parent/s who are confident enough to teach them how to drive, or have a parent who does live within the same proximity.

Coming from a broken family, I’m jealous that girls from a nuclear family are more likely to trust men than I am. As thankful as I am for the lessons my parent’s divorce has taught me, I’m jealous that for other girls, their template of a happy marriage is their parents’.

But since my mum says likens having a car to having a baby (the finance, the upkeep), and since I probably wouldn’t be as strong-willed and independent as I am had it not been for my parent’s divorce, then maybe it’s true that

“Jealousy is all the fun you think they had”
- Erica Jong (American writer and feminist, 1942).

So... what are you jealous of? Let it all out in the comments section. Adios amigos!

Love, Noeline.
xox

SOURCE
Bevan, J.L. 2004, ‘General partner and relational uncertainty as consequences of another person's jealousy expression’ in Western Journal of Communication, Vol. 68, pp. 195-218.