Bumping into the ex-boyfriend's friend

ADMIT IT. We've all fantasised about bumping into an ex boyfriend. In theory, we're healthy, immaculate and content – whereas he's fat, haggard and forlorn.

I barely recognised you with your beer belly! Where'd all your hair go? Oh, you're a drug dealer now. That's err… nice.

But as we all know, this rarely goes to plan. In practice, we bump into them on the days we're not wearing any make-up; the days we're so sick we look like our eyes got pepper sprayed; and the days we have a MASSIVE pimple.

A few weeks ago an ex boyfriend and I crossed paths. My heart was beating so fast it could have qualified for the Olympics. And it wasn't because all the old feelings came surging back. It was more out of shock, because, for years, he was as good as dead. So yes, it was like practically seeing a zombie.

But if there's one thing that's caught me even more off guard – it's bumping into an ex boyfriend's friend. Mutual friends aside, I'm talking about the ones who were 'just there'. The ones you never really had a problem with. The ones that, for some reason or other, you just didn't 'click' with.

What are you supposed to do? They probably hate you on behalf of your ex anyway. Is there any point in saying hello? If you don't they'll think you're a super bitch for snobbing them; and if eye contact has already been established it probably counts as a 'dirty'. But if you do, they'll think you're a sad bitch for making the pointless effort.

There are lots of philosophies I live by. And one of them is that you never really, truly know someone until after a break up. It spoke volumes when it came to ex boyfriends. Then it grew to encompass myself. But most recently, I've discovered that it extends so far as friends – mine, his and ours.

You come to realise which of his friends were nice to your face but "never really liked [you] anyway". You come to realise which people, who you once considered close friends, feel the need to gossip about the details of your break up, than ask you yourself.

And here's the 360. I saw parts of myself reflected in these people. There are friends whose boyfriends I myself don't approve of, other than the fact that he (for some unknown reason) makes her happy. I don't say anything because I feel like it's not my place to say. Who am I to play cupid when I have enough trouble with my own love life?

And that's when I realised, the more people you try to gratify the more you stop being yourself. What's the point in trying to win the hearts of his friends, when you don't even want his?

At this time in my life, there are five people whose opinions matter to me. How many people are you trying to please?

Emotional VS Physical Cheating

Tis my opinion every man cheats in his own way, and he is only honest who is not discovered - Susannah Centlivre (English Playwright, 1669-1723)

OVER the past few weeks, I've been asking people which they think is worse: emotional or physical cheating; and why.

But with my inbox resembling something like the Sahara desert, I started to wonder why less people were responding to a topic as juicy as cheating, than my previous blog about seeing people.

When conducting surveys for blogs such as this, I find that folks on MSN, MySpace and/or Facebook are like the cyberspace equivalent of those people who don't hide behind their couch from Jehovas witnesses, who will give telemarketers their time of day, and buy overpriced raffle tickets from eight year olds. So you'd understand my disappointment when it turned out to be a goldmine of replies like "What do you mean?"

And that's when I realised, most people don't even know there's a difference.

So let's start at square one. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, to cheat is "To be sexually unfaithful."



And thanks to the trusty ol' television, this is the definition we've been conditioned to associate cheating with.

Take the classic scenario: faithful husband comes home early from work. He then opens the bedroom door to find his wife getting jiggy with his brother, his best friend or the next-door neighbour. She then pleads: "This isn't what it looks like, I can explain!"

Since by this time, the husband has surrenderingly stormed out of the room, I have taken it upon myself to do at least some the explaining for her.

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Physical cheating involves hugging, kissing and sex sans the emotional attachment. There are no intentions of it blossoming into a proper relationship. There are no flowers, no chocolates, no romantic dinners, no getting to know the family, no caring about the other persons work life, no getting to know their friends. Think booty calls, one night stands and fuck buddies.

Between the cracks of physical cheating is emotional cheating. According to Dr. Gail Saltz, this type of affair occurs when "there is a deep connection without physical affection… the spouse is replaced by the lover who then becomes the primary source of companionship and emotional well being."

She goes on to reveal that, often "the cheater is guilt-free. After all, they claim, if there is no sex, it can't possibly be an affair!"

In every other aspect of our lives, we're taught that the sky is the limit: so dream big and aim high. How many people would willingly change jobs if another one was closer to home, paid more and was less labour strenuous? How many people have bought new mobile phones when their old one wasn't even broken? How many of our parents buy new cars when the old one did the job? How many families have replaced their rear screen televisions sets with flat screens, and/or their VCR with a DVD player? How many people have replaced their boom box with iPod speakers?

Given the chance, few people stick with the old gizmos out of loyalty if something else makes them happier, is more convenient, and caters better to their needs. But do relationships apply?

According to Truth About Deception, a website dedicated to delivering "Advice about Lying, Infidelity, Love and Romance," "spouses cheat because of problems in their relationship - something is missing, passion has faded, partners feel lonely, people find someone who treats them better or who appreciates them more than their current spouse."

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"We all have emotional needs, on so many different levels, that you can't ever expect one person to fulfill them all. The flipside of that coin is, you can't be so presumptuous and egocentric to assume that you're going to be able to be someone's everything… that is obviously the ideal, it's what we're striving for, it's what romantic comedies are based on, but we don't live in the movies, we live in real life."

So with this logic in mind let's think of people as plants. Water alone doesn't nourish us. Sometimes we could do with a little fertilizer. Oftentimes we need the sun. Too much of one is harmful.

And so in going back to our three friends mentioned at the beginning of this entry, maybe our adultress felt belittled by her husband for being unrealistic. Maybe she had lifelong aspirations of becoming a Hollywood actress; and her new lover sincerely believed she had talent. Whether or not she ended up sleeping with the new man, in sharing her aspirations and drawing support from him and not her husband – she would have been guilty of emotionally cheating nonetheless.

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This is how "you can be in love with two people at the same time… for two different sets of reasons. They're both fulfilling part of you in different ways."

Some people argue that while emotional cheating is uncontrollable, acting upon it is a fully conscious process. As stated in the clip above, "You don't have control over emotions. That's what emotion is. It's separate from your reason… Reason is about thinking things through."

But to what extent is this true? According to Truth About Deception, "For millions of years, people who cheated on their mates reproduced faster than more sexually reserved individuals… So now the desire to cheat is a universal part of our human nature - something we inherited a long time ago from our cheating ancestors."

According to The Times Online, "A study at St Thomas' Hospital in London has suggested that 40 per cent of the variability in female infidelity is genetic…"

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The members of a forum on LoveShack.org – a "interpersonal relationship center," discuss what exactly constitutes cheating. These include:

Kissing
1. kiss on the cheek
2. kiss on the lips (a short peck)
3. kiss with tounge


Physical Contact
1. Hug (i.e. when meeting and saying goodbye)
2. A long hug
3. Cuddling
4. Spooning
5. Dancing without any bumping and grinding
6. Dancing with bumping and grinding
7. Lap dance from a stripper or other person
8. Back massage
9. Full body massage
10. Playing footsie


Flirting
1. Flirting with a friend
2. Flirting with a stranger


Sleeping
1. Sleeping in the same bed without physical contact
2. Sleeping in the same bed with physical contact (for example hugging, cuddling, spooning)
3. Sleeping in the same bed with kissing and physical contact (see above)
4. Sleeping in the same bed in the nude without physical contact
5. Sleeping in the same bed and having sexual contact


Sex
1. Oral sex
2. Digital stimulation (fingering) Hand Stimulation (hand job)
3. Conventional sex with penetration or genital contact (penis/vagina, vagina/vagina, penis/anus)


Nudity
1. Being naked in the presence of another person
2. Both parties being naked (w/o contact)
3. Showering with another person (w/o contact)
4. Showering with another person (w contact)
5. Attending a strip club (w/o contact)


Masturbation
1. One person masturbating in front of another
2. Mutual masturbation (w/o contact)
3. Mutual masturbation (with contact)

Truth About Deception has even compiled a list of their own.

* Flirt with others
* Engage in sexual talk with someone else
* Exchange personal e-mails or text messages
* Deny being married or in a relationship
* Spend time with specific individuals
* Engage in specific types of contact – sleeping in the same bed with another person
* Purchase intimate gifts and presents for others
* Chat online with someone else (online affairs)
* Have sexual contact with someone else (physical infidelity)
* Become emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity)
* Develop a crush or feelings for another individual
* Share their most private thoughts and feelings with someone else
* Become best friends with someone of the opposite sex

In particular, the final point won my attention. Since when did becoming friends with someone of the opposite sex count as cheating? Is that to say that as soon as you enter a relationship you might as well stop making friends of the opposite sex in case they become a best friend? And what if you were best friends with someone of the opposite sex before the relationship?

"Sorry. I've found someone else to share my most private thoughts with. Call you later if it doesn't work out." Thankfully my boyfriend and best friend have never been the same person, so I've never had to say those words; nor have I ever lost two of the most important people in my life in one hit.

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So now that we've sussed out cheating's ways, shapes and forms – which is worse? Here's what you guys said…

- Emotional, because physical is only skin deep. I mean, everyone has physical needs. It's normal. I mean nothing is wrong with physical interaction in the right situation. But in terms of cheating it will almost always lead to emotional complications so you're screwed either way.

- Sex is sex. We're only human and we make mistakes. That's the problem with monogamy. Humans weren't made for it.

- Emotional, because everyone gets physical – we're human.

- I would think that physical is the lesser evil, but I think both are equally hurtful. Both break trust within the relationship.

- Emotional for sure… it goes against principles. If you try to explain why you did it, [they] should be used to explain why you shouldn't even be in the relationship in the first place.

- Each to their own. Where physical is just downright unacceptable in terms of standards and norms, I think emotional is what would kill the most at the end of the day. Not saying I'd prefer to have either one inflicted upon me, but if I had to choose, I'd rather the physical - but only if it would warrant absolute emotional detachment.

- Emotional cheating. The reason why you are in the relationship in the first place was because of emotions and feelings felt towards your partner… in reality emotional cheating would be the instigator of physical cheating… Even if the emotional connection doesn't turn physical, it still damages a current relationship… because when you're in a relationship you should only feel emotionally close to the one you're with.

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After this topic was discussed on the Tyra Banks Show, viewers were able to respond by sharing their experiences through the show's forum. Here's a few…

My husband is in the military, he's enlisted and he has an emotional bond with a female officer. At first I thought she was nice, as times passed, my husband would constantly talk about her. What would really bother me, is when i'd talk about my day with our son, he'd all of a sudden change the subject about this female officer. Over time, he would always talk about her. After work, she would call him, about personal things not related to work. Or he would call her back and speak about personal relationship things, he said it was strictly advice. It got to the point where, since being in the same office, daily they'd talk about her relationship and our relationship.
Posted by: Michiko | December 16, 2007 2:01 AM


My boyfriend is emotionally cheating on me. His ex is everything to him. He hasn't been with her for years but he still loves her. Like not too long ago I found a picture of them together happy smiling in a video game box here in OUR apartment! He swears it was just in a jacket that he brought from his dads. But since we have been together he's worn that jacket… we've actually talked about if he could have any girl in the world who it would be...and its her…
Posted by: Kimi | November 28, 2007 10:47 AM

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So for anyone with a now clearer picture of cheating, anyone who experienced an epiphany about cheating while reading this blog, or anyone who wasn't able to share their thoughts earlier – please do so in via the comment link at the end of this entry or the comment box in the left hand column of this page. I'd love to hear what you think!


Ciao!