I’m at the stage where a lot of people my age have had, or still are in long-term relationships. Being 21, a good number of these couples started out as high-school sweethearts. They’re either married, or talking about getting married. They’re either planning to have babies together, have already done so or are currently expecting.
And me? After almost five and a half years, I’m starting from zero. As I started picturing my life without him, I realised that he and I will forever be subjected to judgement by anyone who ever knew us on a scale of Brad Pitt VS Jennifer Aniston.
I was one of those people who thought it only happened in Hollywood, until I witnessed it for myself at a party recently. He walked into the room with his new partner, and heads turned towards Maria* who was standing at the other side of the room. "I feel so sorry for her," people said.
One person ends up marrying the next person they find, raising a beautiful family in a beautiful house.
The other one will have strings of failed relationships, usually with assholes, oftentimes into their thirties, and sometimes into their infertility. They’re the one people look at and think 'poor thing.' They’re the one people feel sorry for, the one people worry about. "Do you think she’ll ever find anyone else?" I don’t know.
But amidst everyone's assumptions, whose to say she's the unhappier one? People can be in a relationship and be unhappy too. No one ever congratulates you for being single and independent. No one admires people who have the strength to admit that they're not ready to settle down.
So in my previous blog we established that pre-nups are contracts drawn between people about to get married. They outline the conditions of a potential divorce, such as property settlement, child custody and/or financial division.
Similarly, financial agreements (FA’s) are contracts drawn between a couple about to enter a de-facto relationship (whereby a couple live together but aren’t married).
In March of last year, amendments were made to the Family Law Act which subjected de-facto couples (heterosexual and homosexual) to the same legal repercussions as married couples in the event of a relationship breakdown.
"Each party [in a de-facto relationship was thus] responsible for the debts they bring to the table and... leave with the assets they brought in," writes financialagreements.com.au
So apart from a marriage certificate, what then legally separates married couples from de-factos? And as lines between the two become blurred, where does it leave them? Will it promote marriage? Or discourage people from moving in together?
Instead of waiting to get married before moving in together, people used de-facto relationships as a way of trialling marriage. Crosswalk.com states that "the number of marriages preceded by cohabitation rose from about 10 percent in 1965 to over 50 percent by 1994." Could those days be fading too?
Or more importantly, does Generation Y even care [yet]? According to financialagreements.com.au, "issues about dividing property... might not concern a younger couple, but many older established couples who may have significant assets or children from an earlier relationship, may enter cohabitation a little more cautiously."
What I have noticed though is that people my age who support the idea of financial agreements and pre-nups are often accused of being pessimistic - but I think they’re just being realistic. And realistically, shit happens. As R.P. Emery and Associates puts it: they "see it as a form of insurance -- a legally binding safety net which they hope to never need."
A couple of weeks ago I decided to call it quits with my old mobile phone provider – and with it came the sacrifice of those catchy digits I grew to love.
So why the change? Well, conditions for free chat time was constantly changing. Each amendment left me more and more short-changed than the last.
Then came the time for what is probably the third most grand announcement one will ever make in their lifetime “I HAVE A NEW NUMBER!” (after “I’M GETTING MARRIED!” AND “I’M HAVING A BABY!”).
But I decided not to. I realised that, just like the mobile phone provider, the people in that sim card stopped being beneficial to me. It’s not that I only associate with people whom I can use, it’s just that we stopped bringing out the best in each other. It’s not that I doubt my friendship with them was once great and wonderful, but that we’ve both changed.
“sometimes in life, it is necessary to let go of people that no longer serve as a support, but instead lead to stress and to problematic situations commonly referred to as “drama”. It is a hard truth to accept that not all the people that come into our lives are meant to stay.”
Though I’m not recommending that everyone should change their mobile numbers, there’s a host of other (braver) ways of breaking up with friends.
First, make a list containing why you think you shouldn’t be friends with this person anymore. According to wikiHow, common reasons include:
- [Taking] advantage of your good nature: is possessive, bullies, manipulates or makes you feel guilty - One friend gets into habits that you don't agree with - Your friend is only concerned with him/her self, and never pauses to think about anyone else - S/he leans on you, but can't take the time to help you with your problems - Your 'friend' says belittling/insulting things to or about you
Writing things down clears the head and can either (1) make you realise you’re overreacting, or (2) it might confirm your decision to break up with that person. If the latter prevails - spend less time with them. “Cut your conversations a little shorter, or mak[e] yourself less available to hang out… [and] don't agree to plans” (wikiHow).
Then comes the hard part, the part that most of us try to avoid: talk to them about it. However, “sending a letter or an e-mail might spare your friend some embarrassment, and save you the face-to-face awkwardness [but] it can also make you look… wimpy and weak” (wikiHow). It clears misconceptions on both sides about what went wrong, instead of gossiping to and involving mutual friends.
So what if you’re on the receiving end of the break-up? According to Dinorah Blackman, “Take the time to seriously and honestly evaluate your attitude. Maybe you need to work on some unattractive aspect of your personality or maybe you just have the bad habit of surrounding yourself with people that do not really appreciate you.”
What do you think? Share your thoughts and experiences by commenting – and remember that you can do so anonymously!
