Mind the age gap

WHEN I WAS IN PRIMARY SCHOOL, a class mate teased me for being "old". Born in September, I was in the same class as kids who were born the year after me, as far as June. Not because I started late; not because I repeated; but because, for reason(s) still unbeknown to myself, schools admit students across and halfway between two calendar years.

So when you get a class mate bragging about how "young" and therefore likeable to the opposite sex she is, you can imagine what kind of damage that does to the developing mind of a slightly older, gullible recipient.

It only seemed logical that I overhaul the list of boys I had a crush on, and base all future crushes on whether or not they were older than me; because to do otherwise would be unladylike (or rather, ungirlylike).

WHEN I WAS IN MY FIRST YEAR OF UNIVERSITY I had dinner with a boy who was five years my senior (and by senior, I'm speaking in exclusively biological terms).

Either I'm wise beyond my years, or he was actually ten years my junior (mentally and emotionally that is). Poor thing, someone must have told him that girls love hearing anecdotes about drunken tomfoolery.

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So when it comes to relationships, is there such thing as being too old or too young for someone?

WATCH YOUR STEP

According to NewScientist.com, "Men want women younger than themselves because they are physically attractive… while women tend to prioritise a partner who can provide security and stability, and so tend to opt for older men." And since wealth is usually acquired with age, and since beauty comes (I mean, goes) with age, is it any wonder why younger women tend to marry older men?

One theory suggests that men are most compatible with women half their age, plus seven (AllPhilosophy.com). So if you're a 20 year-old male, it's best to be with a 17 year-old female; which is only a three year age gap. But when you're a 30 year-old male, this means a 22 year-old woman; and the gap is now 8 years. Then, as a 40 year old man, the theory recommends a 27 year-old woman. And now the gap is stretched to 13 years.

So happens when the age gap spans more than the norm of five years, let alone in the opposite direction?

Shei Tan, in her article Understanding Age Gap Relationships, contends that "If the male is considerably older and he and his wife do what he wants, she may miss out on a phase of her experience which… she may always regret." On the other hand, "If they do what she enjoys most, he is being dragged through the same experiences twice…" The same applies in reverse.

For example, in the Sex and the City Movie, when bride to be, Carrie Bradshaw's small guest list swells to the size of a celebrity wedding (with the publicity to match), her fiancée John James Preston, otherwise known as Mr. Big says: "This is my third marriage. How do you think that makes me look?" Speaking from a "been there done that" mentality, he prefers a low key ceremony at the New York City Hall.

So what more if an older partner has kids from a previous marriage?

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IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH

Forum after forum, the general disposition was that regardless of age, love conquers all, "it's all that matters". But an age "gap of 20 years means that one of you will be a sprightly 45-year-old, while the other will be approaching retirement… Are you comfortable with the idea of becoming someone's live-in carer rather than live-in lover?" (NineMSN Health).

Claiming the emotional devastation too much, one forum member was so fed up with outliving his wives, he went back to dating women his own age.


Tony Randall was 50 years older than Heather Randall.
They married in 1995, and had two children in 1997 and 1998.
He passsed away in 2004.

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WHO'S YOUR (SUGAR) DADDY?

As Good Charlotte, in their song Girls & Boys point out, "Girls don't like boys/Girls like cars and moneeeeeey!"

One Yahoo! forum member admitted that his "girlfriend dated a 40+ when she was 20 but she… was basically [in it] for the fancy dinners and flights on the plane… that a 20 something likely couldn't [afford]." But to what extent is this true? NewScientist.com argues that "men evolved a preference for younger women because [they] have a longer fertility span than older female[s]… women, meanwhile, might give birth to more children when they choose older partners because such men are likely to have greater financial resources to support a family than younger men do."

But in a capitalist society, why settle for financially stable when you can find the financially well-off on such sites as SugarDaddie.com? It's a dating website "where the classy, attractive, and affluent meet." It allows "Doctors, Lawyers, Busy Professionals, [and] Benefactors" access to "Beautiful, Intelligent and Classy Women & Models." And while those of us who don't make the cut scoff at their elitist standards as shallow, one testimonial on their website praises that the

…site has given men and women with higher standards somewhere to go…
the reason a lot of women come here isn't to find some one to "take care of us".
The thing is... a gentleman who has aquired a lot of money is generally educated,
not lazy, intelligent, more tolerant and well travelled as a result.
[As opposed to] someone who's never been anywhere or experienced anything
and content to sit on a couch and watch t.v. all weekend. I wanted a man
who could inspire me, fascinate me and whom I would look up to, and I found
him here on sugardaddie.

And while the supposed lower class troll though night clubs and pubs for that special (albeit drunk) someone, another happy customer claims that SugarDaddie "sets the standard for professional people who want to meet likeminded individuals they won't find in bars!!"



Michael Douglas is 25 years older than Catherine Zeta Jones



Woody Allen is 35 years older than wife Soon-Yi Previn

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THE COUGAR

Angela, who appeared on The Dr. Phil Show reveals: "I have always dated younger men. They tend to be more fun, don't have the baggage and they're better in bed." Such baggage includes ex wives and children from previous relationships. And keep your hearts peeled, because these kind of relationships are on the rise.

EG:
* In Desperate Housewives, Gabrielle Solis has an affair with her teenage gardener John - a carefree alternative to her more serious, business oriented husband; or Samantha Jones
* In Sex and the City, Samantha Jones (who is in her 40's) has a serious relationship with model Jerry Jarrod (in his 20's)

Young men are attracted to the independence, self-assurance and sexual experience of Cougars. Growing up, men their own age valued them for their beauty - and now younger men are valuing them for their brains.

Log on to UrbanCougar.com, and you are served with a platter of the Cougar culture. 2008 Urban Cougar of the Year, Debra Garret explains:

We cougars know what we want, we are not afraid to speak our minds about
sex, politics, sports, money, and I believe we are great role models for the
young girls of today. It also means "empowerment" - we are not afraid to tell
our men what we want or need and we do not play games.



Demi Moore is 15 years older than husband Ashton Kutcher



Susan Sarandon is 12 years older than Tim Robbins


Halle Berry is 10 years older Gabriel Aubry

But age gap relationships run the risk of taking on the qualities of a parent and child. "There is nothing worse than having to beg your young lover to make his bed in the morning. Conversely, older males may become frustrated with a young partner's desire to go to a rave and worsen a developing hearing problem" (DatingFor Beginners.info).

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And my two cents? I think it's less about age, than it is about compatibility through maturity. And if the age gap is large enough to separate life stages (eg: if one person is still in uni and the other wants marriage and kids), then sacrifice and compromise is key. After all, love is blind, you can't see numbers.

What do you think? Share your opinions and experiences via the comment link below.

Bumping into the ex-boyfriend's friend

ADMIT IT. We've all fantasised about bumping into an ex boyfriend. In theory, we're healthy, immaculate and content – whereas he's fat, haggard and forlorn.

I barely recognised you with your beer belly! Where'd all your hair go? Oh, you're a drug dealer now. That's err… nice.

But as we all know, this rarely goes to plan. In practice, we bump into them on the days we're not wearing any make-up; the days we're so sick we look like our eyes got pepper sprayed; and the days we have a MASSIVE pimple.

A few weeks ago an ex boyfriend and I crossed paths. My heart was beating so fast it could have qualified for the Olympics. And it wasn't because all the old feelings came surging back. It was more out of shock, because, for years, he was as good as dead. So yes, it was like practically seeing a zombie.

But if there's one thing that's caught me even more off guard – it's bumping into an ex boyfriend's friend. Mutual friends aside, I'm talking about the ones who were 'just there'. The ones you never really had a problem with. The ones that, for some reason or other, you just didn't 'click' with.

What are you supposed to do? They probably hate you on behalf of your ex anyway. Is there any point in saying hello? If you don't they'll think you're a super bitch for snobbing them; and if eye contact has already been established it probably counts as a 'dirty'. But if you do, they'll think you're a sad bitch for making the pointless effort.

There are lots of philosophies I live by. And one of them is that you never really, truly know someone until after a break up. It spoke volumes when it came to ex boyfriends. Then it grew to encompass myself. But most recently, I've discovered that it extends so far as friends – mine, his and ours.

You come to realise which of his friends were nice to your face but "never really liked [you] anyway". You come to realise which people, who you once considered close friends, feel the need to gossip about the details of your break up, than ask you yourself.

And here's the 360. I saw parts of myself reflected in these people. There are friends whose boyfriends I myself don't approve of, other than the fact that he (for some unknown reason) makes her happy. I don't say anything because I feel like it's not my place to say. Who am I to play cupid when I have enough trouble with my own love life?

And that's when I realised, the more people you try to gratify the more you stop being yourself. What's the point in trying to win the hearts of his friends, when you don't even want his?

At this time in my life, there are five people whose opinions matter to me. How many people are you trying to please?

Emotional VS Physical Cheating

Tis my opinion every man cheats in his own way, and he is only honest who is not discovered - Susannah Centlivre (English Playwright, 1669-1723)

OVER the past few weeks, I've been asking people which they think is worse: emotional or physical cheating; and why.

But with my inbox resembling something like the Sahara desert, I started to wonder why less people were responding to a topic as juicy as cheating, than my previous blog about seeing people.

When conducting surveys for blogs such as this, I find that folks on MSN, MySpace and/or Facebook are like the cyberspace equivalent of those people who don't hide behind their couch from Jehovas witnesses, who will give telemarketers their time of day, and buy overpriced raffle tickets from eight year olds. So you'd understand my disappointment when it turned out to be a goldmine of replies like "What do you mean?"

And that's when I realised, most people don't even know there's a difference.

So let's start at square one. According to the American Heritage Dictionary, to cheat is "To be sexually unfaithful."



And thanks to the trusty ol' television, this is the definition we've been conditioned to associate cheating with.

Take the classic scenario: faithful husband comes home early from work. He then opens the bedroom door to find his wife getting jiggy with his brother, his best friend or the next-door neighbour. She then pleads: "This isn't what it looks like, I can explain!"

Since by this time, the husband has surrenderingly stormed out of the room, I have taken it upon myself to do at least some the explaining for her.

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Physical cheating involves hugging, kissing and sex sans the emotional attachment. There are no intentions of it blossoming into a proper relationship. There are no flowers, no chocolates, no romantic dinners, no getting to know the family, no caring about the other persons work life, no getting to know their friends. Think booty calls, one night stands and fuck buddies.

Between the cracks of physical cheating is emotional cheating. According to Dr. Gail Saltz, this type of affair occurs when "there is a deep connection without physical affection… the spouse is replaced by the lover who then becomes the primary source of companionship and emotional well being."

She goes on to reveal that, often "the cheater is guilt-free. After all, they claim, if there is no sex, it can't possibly be an affair!"

In every other aspect of our lives, we're taught that the sky is the limit: so dream big and aim high. How many people would willingly change jobs if another one was closer to home, paid more and was less labour strenuous? How many people have bought new mobile phones when their old one wasn't even broken? How many of our parents buy new cars when the old one did the job? How many families have replaced their rear screen televisions sets with flat screens, and/or their VCR with a DVD player? How many people have replaced their boom box with iPod speakers?

Given the chance, few people stick with the old gizmos out of loyalty if something else makes them happier, is more convenient, and caters better to their needs. But do relationships apply?

According to Truth About Deception, a website dedicated to delivering "Advice about Lying, Infidelity, Love and Romance," "spouses cheat because of problems in their relationship - something is missing, passion has faded, partners feel lonely, people find someone who treats them better or who appreciates them more than their current spouse."

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"We all have emotional needs, on so many different levels, that you can't ever expect one person to fulfill them all. The flipside of that coin is, you can't be so presumptuous and egocentric to assume that you're going to be able to be someone's everything… that is obviously the ideal, it's what we're striving for, it's what romantic comedies are based on, but we don't live in the movies, we live in real life."

So with this logic in mind let's think of people as plants. Water alone doesn't nourish us. Sometimes we could do with a little fertilizer. Oftentimes we need the sun. Too much of one is harmful.

And so in going back to our three friends mentioned at the beginning of this entry, maybe our adultress felt belittled by her husband for being unrealistic. Maybe she had lifelong aspirations of becoming a Hollywood actress; and her new lover sincerely believed she had talent. Whether or not she ended up sleeping with the new man, in sharing her aspirations and drawing support from him and not her husband – she would have been guilty of emotionally cheating nonetheless.

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This is how "you can be in love with two people at the same time… for two different sets of reasons. They're both fulfilling part of you in different ways."

Some people argue that while emotional cheating is uncontrollable, acting upon it is a fully conscious process. As stated in the clip above, "You don't have control over emotions. That's what emotion is. It's separate from your reason… Reason is about thinking things through."

But to what extent is this true? According to Truth About Deception, "For millions of years, people who cheated on their mates reproduced faster than more sexually reserved individuals… So now the desire to cheat is a universal part of our human nature - something we inherited a long time ago from our cheating ancestors."

According to The Times Online, "A study at St Thomas' Hospital in London has suggested that 40 per cent of the variability in female infidelity is genetic…"

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The members of a forum on LoveShack.org – a "interpersonal relationship center," discuss what exactly constitutes cheating. These include:

Kissing
1. kiss on the cheek
2. kiss on the lips (a short peck)
3. kiss with tounge


Physical Contact
1. Hug (i.e. when meeting and saying goodbye)
2. A long hug
3. Cuddling
4. Spooning
5. Dancing without any bumping and grinding
6. Dancing with bumping and grinding
7. Lap dance from a stripper or other person
8. Back massage
9. Full body massage
10. Playing footsie


Flirting
1. Flirting with a friend
2. Flirting with a stranger


Sleeping
1. Sleeping in the same bed without physical contact
2. Sleeping in the same bed with physical contact (for example hugging, cuddling, spooning)
3. Sleeping in the same bed with kissing and physical contact (see above)
4. Sleeping in the same bed in the nude without physical contact
5. Sleeping in the same bed and having sexual contact


Sex
1. Oral sex
2. Digital stimulation (fingering) Hand Stimulation (hand job)
3. Conventional sex with penetration or genital contact (penis/vagina, vagina/vagina, penis/anus)


Nudity
1. Being naked in the presence of another person
2. Both parties being naked (w/o contact)
3. Showering with another person (w/o contact)
4. Showering with another person (w contact)
5. Attending a strip club (w/o contact)


Masturbation
1. One person masturbating in front of another
2. Mutual masturbation (w/o contact)
3. Mutual masturbation (with contact)

Truth About Deception has even compiled a list of their own.

* Flirt with others
* Engage in sexual talk with someone else
* Exchange personal e-mails or text messages
* Deny being married or in a relationship
* Spend time with specific individuals
* Engage in specific types of contact – sleeping in the same bed with another person
* Purchase intimate gifts and presents for others
* Chat online with someone else (online affairs)
* Have sexual contact with someone else (physical infidelity)
* Become emotionally involved with someone else (emotional infidelity)
* Develop a crush or feelings for another individual
* Share their most private thoughts and feelings with someone else
* Become best friends with someone of the opposite sex

In particular, the final point won my attention. Since when did becoming friends with someone of the opposite sex count as cheating? Is that to say that as soon as you enter a relationship you might as well stop making friends of the opposite sex in case they become a best friend? And what if you were best friends with someone of the opposite sex before the relationship?

"Sorry. I've found someone else to share my most private thoughts with. Call you later if it doesn't work out." Thankfully my boyfriend and best friend have never been the same person, so I've never had to say those words; nor have I ever lost two of the most important people in my life in one hit.

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So now that we've sussed out cheating's ways, shapes and forms – which is worse? Here's what you guys said…

- Emotional, because physical is only skin deep. I mean, everyone has physical needs. It's normal. I mean nothing is wrong with physical interaction in the right situation. But in terms of cheating it will almost always lead to emotional complications so you're screwed either way.

- Sex is sex. We're only human and we make mistakes. That's the problem with monogamy. Humans weren't made for it.

- Emotional, because everyone gets physical – we're human.

- I would think that physical is the lesser evil, but I think both are equally hurtful. Both break trust within the relationship.

- Emotional for sure… it goes against principles. If you try to explain why you did it, [they] should be used to explain why you shouldn't even be in the relationship in the first place.

- Each to their own. Where physical is just downright unacceptable in terms of standards and norms, I think emotional is what would kill the most at the end of the day. Not saying I'd prefer to have either one inflicted upon me, but if I had to choose, I'd rather the physical - but only if it would warrant absolute emotional detachment.

- Emotional cheating. The reason why you are in the relationship in the first place was because of emotions and feelings felt towards your partner… in reality emotional cheating would be the instigator of physical cheating… Even if the emotional connection doesn't turn physical, it still damages a current relationship… because when you're in a relationship you should only feel emotionally close to the one you're with.

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After this topic was discussed on the Tyra Banks Show, viewers were able to respond by sharing their experiences through the show's forum. Here's a few…

My husband is in the military, he's enlisted and he has an emotional bond with a female officer. At first I thought she was nice, as times passed, my husband would constantly talk about her. What would really bother me, is when i'd talk about my day with our son, he'd all of a sudden change the subject about this female officer. Over time, he would always talk about her. After work, she would call him, about personal things not related to work. Or he would call her back and speak about personal relationship things, he said it was strictly advice. It got to the point where, since being in the same office, daily they'd talk about her relationship and our relationship.
Posted by: Michiko | December 16, 2007 2:01 AM


My boyfriend is emotionally cheating on me. His ex is everything to him. He hasn't been with her for years but he still loves her. Like not too long ago I found a picture of them together happy smiling in a video game box here in OUR apartment! He swears it was just in a jacket that he brought from his dads. But since we have been together he's worn that jacket… we've actually talked about if he could have any girl in the world who it would be...and its her…
Posted by: Kimi | November 28, 2007 10:47 AM

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So for anyone with a now clearer picture of cheating, anyone who experienced an epiphany about cheating while reading this blog, or anyone who wasn't able to share their thoughts earlier – please do so in via the comment link at the end of this entry or the comment box in the left hand column of this page. I'd love to hear what you think!


Ciao!

I do, therefore I am.

As you get older, you'll find the only things you regret are the things you didn't do – Zachary Scott, 1914-1465, Actor

I believe that in order to make something of my life, I need to make something of every single day in it. For me, one of the worst feelings in the world is falling asleep with the knowledge that I achieved nothing.

Which is probably why I don't watch much tv, and why I love being busy - and therefore why there is no such thing as being busy watching tv.

When I'm occupied, I don't have the time (or reason) to complain about why my life isn't going anywhere.

And as the last of my teenage years rears its ugly head, I've been feeling a sudden need to reassess the things I have yet to achieve.

THINGS TO DO BEFORE I DIE

• Save enough money to live in Spain for a year
• Maintain a credit average to keep my scholarship and graduate from uni
• Secure a career in the media industry (magazine, advertising, public relations)
• Visit my grandmother in the Philippines
• Honeymoon in Hawaii
• See the pyramids and the Sphinx in Egypt
• Get my car and motorbike licence
• Buy a sewing machine and learn how to use it
• Learn how to knit
• Fly a kite
• Adopt at least one child
• Write a book
• Do missionary work
• Learn how to play an instrument
• Skydive
• Marry and grow old with someone who makes me happy
• Raise my kids in a quiet town, somewhere halfway between the city and the country
• Invest in properties
• Learn how to cook !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Learn how to do my own laundry !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• Paint my own paintings to display on the walls of my house
• Get a massage without laughing
• Watch a sunset
• Go camping and/or fishing
• Watch the Oprah show live in studio
• Learn photography and silkscreening
• Visit as many art galleries as possible
• Learn how to ice-skate and rollerblade

Everyone has things they want to accomplish in life. For a few good years, mine were pretty much running riot in the back of my mind. I found taming them into a list quite like I find cleaning: theraputic.

There are two kinds of people:
(1) People who have wish lists and hope for magic.
(2) People have to-do lists and make magic happen.
So which one are you?

Tesing 1, 2, 3

I believe that there are two main ways of getting to know a stranger: as a potential friend, or as a potential partner.

Let's explore what happens when you're just friends for too long.
Scenario 1: "I love you... you're like a brother to me!"
Scenario 2: "I can't go out with you because I don't want to ruin our friendship; like what if we break up? Things will never be the same."
Scenario 3: "I'm in love with (insert name, not your name, here)! What should I do?"

A friend of mine admitted to me: "I have to be at least a bit of an asshole. I don't want to just be the nice guy. Nice guys don't get the girl". So why are nice girls attracted to the bad guy? Dr Connel Cowan and Dr Melvyn Kinder, authors of Smart Women Foolish Choices state "A woman may experience a man as being kind, responsible and caring – not a bad combination – but she may ultimately lose interest if there is no dynamic tension, no excitement or mystery".

So apart from being an asshole, how does a guy get to know a girl without hitting any of the above, dead end scenarios? Because at the other end of the spectrum, there are also girls who won't go out with a guy she barely knows.

Kind of like the Loch Ness monster, Bigfoot and the female G-spot - an equilibrium is alleged to exist somewhere in what they call 'seeing someone'. But as I have discovered, this middle ground is more complicated than it's extremes.

What does it even mean to see someone? Can you see more than one person at a time? And are there physical boundaries with the people you see? If not, what's the difference between a slut/manwhore, and someone who sleeps with everyone they're seeing?

Here's what you guys said:

• I think the term "seeing someone" is used when the communication lines aren't clear.
However if an individual in the relationship says that he/she is "seeing him/her", they would like the relationship to eventuate, but is uncertain as to the feelings of the other individual.
Plus, it would be more diplomatic, less embarrassing, & easier to explain that things didn't workout because "the relationship status wasn't really 'official'.
And as for physical boundaries, it depends on the individual. Of course I don't think it is necessary to jump into bed after a half hour of grinding on the dance floor.

• Isn't it like try before you buy styles? You both know you like each other and act as a couple just starting out but it doesn't mean you can't like someone else too. That's why you're seeing whom you like more.

• 'Seeing someone' is a mutual thing I guess. You like each other but you're not official. Technically you're single but you're not completely open to mingle around because you've got that 'potential someone'. Physical boundaries? I guess that depends on the individual.

• 'Seeing someone' is an unofficial commitment to someone. However, the commitment is so small that it allows you to see other people at the same time. And when you see someone there are no physical boundaries, but it all depends on what they're comfortable with.

• I think that 'seeing someone' is testing out the waters with that particular person. Mutual understanding that you both like each other. No strings attached. But I don't think that it is right to be seeing more than one person at a time, but I guess it depends on how long you've been seeing the person. If it's been a couple of weeks or months and you've started to see a new person I would see it as wrong. And as for physical boundaries, I reckon it would depend on their views on things.

• It's between the people seeing each other to decide that.

• To see someone means that you're more than friends, but aren't exactly bound together in a relationship. Yeah, I think you can see more than one person at a time, but don't expect the other person to approve. And I don't think there are physical boundaries.

• 'Seeing someone' is like testing the water before you jump in. You want to see if they would change when you consider them a partner. And you want to see how people around you respond when they find out you're involved.

• You're seeing if they're worth getting into a relationship with. No, I don't think you can see more than one person at a time. Physical boundaries: not far.

• 'Seeing someone' is practically committing themselves to each other, but without the title.

• If you believe in monogamy then of course there are physical boundaries. 'Seeing someone', can be taken as a fling, a summer romance or simply a fuck. People these days have forgotten the notion of dating. People dive headfirst into full on 'going out' relationships.

• 'Seeing someone' is a process some couples with mutual feelings test run a relationship. No you can't see more than one person at a time. There is no specific title; but the way I see it, if someone asks if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, the right answer would be "No, but I am seeing someone". If one person decides to have feelings for another person, they'll have to be open about it to the person they're seeing. No one likes to be a side dish!

It just goes to show that if you're seeing someone, you can't guarantee they aren't sleeping with someone else.

Could seeing someone merely be an excuse to be unfaithful?

Is it possible to cheat on people you're only seeing?

Is it a double standard by western society, against the taboo cultures where polygamy (multiple marriage) is a norm? Think traditionalist Islam, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and Mormon fundamentalists.
What's worse: someone who has hundreds of one night stands in their lifetime, impregnates some and fathers none - or someone who has thirty kids to five different wives, and yet supports all of them? (For the sake of not going even more off track, I'll leave this heavily contestable issue for another blog entry).

What did catch my attention was the word 'mutual'. How do you know something is mutual without talking about it? Wouldn't that mean making assumptions about the other person's feelings? Are these the very people who feel 'lead on' when their feelings aren't reciprocated?

I apologise to anyone who was expecting a solid answer by the end of this blog. I was hoping to have one myself. Trying to answer one question opened up a whole bunch of unanswerable others. Consider this entry not just food for thought, but an all-you-can-eat for thought. And just when you thought official relationships were complicated enough.

Bonne appétit, ya'll!

Soundtrack. The Break Up Edition.

For every moment of our lives, there is a song to go with it. And after a break up, I find that my ears automatically fine-tune themselves sensitive to finding a song, a line, a beat - that encapsulates a hundred feelings all at the same time – my feelings - into something that resembles sense, order.

In the past, I found I could rely on What's Changed by Craig David. In the sound track of my life, this was the song I could most relate to the most – when post break up uncertainty was thick.

Hey, baby
Oh tell me, babe
Why do you wanna play these games with me?
Thought you always wanted to be with me

Well at first girl, I wanted to
But things have changed between me and you
That's why I don't know what I'm gonna do
Lately, you say I been acting kinda strangely
Like I don't love you no more

You say "call me"
But I just can't explain
It's all so crazy
Between me and you, baby

And even though at first you meant the world to me
The time has come to spread my wings and be set free
So I can figure out a place where I belong
To find my way home now love is gone

Why don't you call me no more?
It was every night you were calling me before
Given half a chance, you'd be knocking at my door
So, tell me what's changed

Baby, tell me what's changed

Why don't you give me some time
Tell me, cuz I can't get you out of my mind
But up until now, we been doing just fine
So, tell me what's changed

Baby tell me what's changed

Baby
Since we met, I've treat you like a lady
But now I don't know what to do
I think maybe
It's just that my well for you has run empty
What am I gonna do, baby?

And even though at first, you made me so happy
My love for you has changed, so put the blame on me
Under pressure, it's too hard for me to stay
And I get so guilty when you page me everyday, with hope

Why won't you answer my page?
It was you who said things were never gonna change
And it seems like lately you're acting kinda strange
So, tell me what's changed

Baby, tell me what's changed

Why can't you even pass by?
Spend some of your time, even just to say hi
You're not the type of guy who would make a girl cry
So, tell me what's changed

Baby, tell me what's changed

Girl, I know
It seems like I don't care
After all the things we used to share
Now I know it feels like I've done you wrong
But the pain will heal the sooner that I'm gone

Why don't you call me no more?
It was every night you were calling me before
Given half a chance, you'd be knocking at my door
So, tell me what's changed

Baby, tell me what's changed

Why don't you give me some time?
Tell me, cuz I can't get you out of my mind
But up until now, we been doing just fine
So, tell me what's changed

Baby, tell me what's changed (saying now tell me what's changed, baby)

Why won't you answer my page?
It was you who said things were never gonna change
And it seems like lately you're acting kinda strange
So, tell me what's changed

Baby, tell me what's changed

Why can't you even pass by?
Spend some of your time, even just to say hi
You're not the type of guy who would make a girl cry
So, tell me what's changed

Baby, tell me what's changed

Girl, I never meant to make you cry
But its so hard to find the words to say
So I never wanted girl, to hurt you
Girl please believe me

During one of those sleepless nights, it happened. I wasn't moved. My emotions were still being stirred all right, just not in the same direction as before.

After two and a half years, what changed? And that's when I realised: nothing changed. That's the thing.

We were as perfect as two imperfect people could possibly be together. For a couple who had nothing in common, we got along extremely well. He made me laugh most when he wasn't trying. He told me that I'm not as good at hiding my feelings as I claim I am. I think he just got better at understanding me. And as corny as it sounds, we kind of grew up together. He felt like home. For two and a half years he catered to the side of me that was looking for love, happiness, trust, security and stability.

But now, the other side of me has decided it's her turn. The side that wants to find herself again. The side that wants to experience new things. The side that wants to meet new people. I want to do it all without seeking his approval, especially his friends' approval. I want to do it wtihout hurting him. This is the side of me who hates being owned.

This is the side of me that, at eighteen, refuses to change. She thinks it's too soon. And if not wanting to settle down now makes me a bad person, then so be it.

Introducing, my new break up anthem: I'm Not Missing You by Stacie Orrico.

I'm not missing you
Been through just about everything that I could go through
When it comes to relationships
Don't know what I was missing or why I ain't listen
When I told myself that was it
Now here I go, hurt again
Cause of my curiosity
Now that it's over
What else could it be he just had to cheat

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

But I'm not missing you
I'm not going through the motions
Waiting and hoping you call me
I'm not missing you
You might have had me open
But I must be going because
I got life to do
I know I'm usually hanging on
I used to hate to see you gone
But this time it's different
I don't even feel the distance
I'm not missing
I'm not missing you

It's a shame in a way cause
I feel that I may not ever find the right one for me
Did I leave him, is he right in front of my face oh
Will my true love ever be?
Why would I go on a search again
When I know what the end will be
What good is love when it keeps on hurting me?

I made a promise never to settle
Why didn't I keep it?
'Cause I hated the heartbreak
Crying and cheating, the fooling around

No I can't be with you
Cause I'm scared felt like I was falling when you left me
I can't keep going through life
Unaware of what I missed
And the person I could be
Love's good when it's right
And when it's left in your memory
All the times I let you down
I guess love will be nice for someone else's life

Kiss Your Sex Life Goodbye

If there's one thing that separates we humans from most of the animal kingdom – it's our innate ability to reason. It's hoisted us to the top of the food chain; but could this consciousness be a curse more than it is a blessing? This got me thinking: do such emotions blur or define the lines of courtship and sexual reproduction?

Kissing is an almost universal activity, with 90% of human cultures getting in on the act – led by sex at 100%... obviously.

Plus, when you have more boy friends than girl friends, you learn a thing or two about porn. Very rarely will the actors kiss romantically, touch gently or look deeply into each other's eyes. Most often the sex is fast paced, the language is crude, and the moaning is loud – blowing our candlelit fantasies out at the same time. Meanwhile, girls are transfixing their own image of sex around romantic scenes from The Titanic, The Notebook, Pearl Harbour and what have you. Is it any wonder why complications arise from kissing and having sex?

That's when I got to asking you guys on MSN, MySpace and Facebook: "What means more? A kiss or sex? And why?"


SEX
• Having sex probably means that you're sharing something more intimate and meaningful, unlike a kiss: it's more like a do and go tell everyone. Sex is something you keep between yourself and the significant other… normally.
• Sex, because people don't usually give up sex as easily as they do kisses.
• Sex, because you give all of yourself to the person you love.



THE KISS

• Kiss, because it means that you trust them (when you're not intoxicated).
• If it's someone you want to pursue a relationship with, definitely the kiss. It signifies the blossoming of an intimate relationship. I get more butterflies from the anticipation of a first kiss rather than sex. Sex eventuates from the kiss because you've already established desire from the make out.
• A kiss means more. So much more. Kisses are always intimate, but sex doesn't have to be. I reckon people go fuzzier over kisses than sex, even if the sex is good. I know I do.
• Many sex workers refuse to kiss their clients because it is the most intimate form of sexual contact. Plus sex without kissing means nothing, whereas kissing without sex is still a connection.



IT DEPENDS
• People will regard them differently based on their own values and morals. Perhaps, sex is more meaningful only because it requires more of you - it needs you to be secure with yourself. For those who abstain I think the fact that they're waiting for the 'right one' proves how meaningful it is for them. And having said that, maybe it's more meaningful for people who do it for the first time? What about those that have done it for the tenth? What makes it different each time influences it's meaning.
• It all comes down to the type of relationship you have with the person you kiss or sleep with. At the end of the day - it's only meaningful if you want it to be or not!
• Sex might be more meaningful to people who are deeply in love. But some people just do it like it doesn't mean anything. Some people don't even make kissing meaningful. You always hear people 'hooking up'.

I also did my research, like a little kid looking up the word 'sex' in the dictionary. Some theories suggest that kisses mean more to women than men. This is because women use kissing as a way of assessing potential partners; having to do with notions of family, and protection for herself and her offspring. The way he kisses her is a suggestion of what the sex will be like. Men on the other hand, are more likely to have sex with someone they consider a bad kisser, and/or aren't even attracted to.

This made me realise that kissing and/or having sex doesn't necessarily result in an even exchange. So unless you don't mind being short changed or over charged, just make sure you do it with someone using the same currency!

Queer Eyes Wide Shut

When asked why married couples love each other, never have I heard the reply 'Because they're the opposite sex'. Most often, it's the way the other person makes them happy. So maybe traditional marriage vows should be updated from 'for better or worse' to 'for better and even better'.

Happiness is valued more in our day than it was in our parents' day, and most especially in our granparents' day. It's not uncommon for people to divorce each other because of unhappiness - whether it's as criminal as cheating or as unintentional as drifting apart. Divorce has shed much of its social stigma and become a socially accepted norm.

Not that our grandparents didn't have self worth, it's just that within the span of a century our value systems have changed dramatically. Instead, they valued selflessness. Couples stayed together 'for the sake of the children'. But living in a post-divorce society, we have the studies to suggest that growing up in an unhappy home didn't work out to be such a grand idea either.

So where am I going with all this? I think we should give gay marriage a 'fair go'. Homosexual couples in a loving relationship are not living in some psychotic fantasy land where their love is not the same, if not more powerful than that of their heterosexual counterparts.

Sure, there's de-facto relationships and there's civil marriages. But it's like saying you're not allowed to have ice cream, and being told to settle with an ice block and stop complaining because it's kind of the same thing. Fast forward to the future and imagine yourself happilly married of twenty years. You were denied access to combined health insurance, tax benefits and retirement planning. But you loved each other so much you stayed together anyway. Your partner suddenly becomes ill and is sent to hospital, with only a few days to live. But you can't visit them. They die. And you can't make claims on the house, car, social security paymens, bereavement leave, superannuation etc. Why all the rejection? Because gay marriages are not legally recognised.

During the 1990s... the leader of the liberal party John Howard, used the notion of the preservation of the nuclear family as a key issue. His opponent, Paul Keating, the then leader of the ALP responded with: 'John Howard keeps incanting the word "family" as his own personal mantra; he claims he is "pro-family" as if the rest of us were anti-family. Where does he think the rest of us come from-Mars? - Holmes, D., Hughes, K. & Julian, R. 2003, 'The family: nuclear or unclear?' in Australian Sociology: A Changing Society, Sydney: Pearson. p. 287.

Anything outside of the nuclear family was, and still is seen as a threat to the backbone of Australia's patriarchally based society. There are hundreds of orphans without a home, and homosexual couples with spare rooms, stable incomes and loving hearts are refused adoption. They say that having same sex parents are detrimental to the child - but so are hunger, no education and not having a bed to sleep in. I think we're just being picky.

In Ancient Rome homosexuality was a norm. Emperor Nero, a male, married a male slave. Somewhere between then and now heterosexuality became rationalised, and I'd like to hope that in the future homosexuals will be granted their rights to the benefits of legally recognised marriages. To be treated as humans, and not aliens from Mars.

Glow in the dark

Why is it easier to see in the dark than it is in the light? And no, that wasn't a typo.

It's a peculiar kind of funny how we cherish life most after someone close to us has passed away, how we most feel the urge to help strangers only after disaster strikes - and how easy it is to merge back into the fast lane. Why are the best of goods propelled by the worst of bads?

Clicking back at my posts over the past three years, pointing out the failures of my past relationships was almost as reflexive as the act of blinking itself. After three years, I got pretty good at it. I was seeing in the dark for so long that it became natural.

They say that the secret to a lasting relationship is not falling in love forever once, but of falling in love many times, and always with the same person.

The first time I thought I might be in love with my boyfriend, he was hugging me tight on a crowded platform, playing with my hair.

The first time I knew I loved my boyfriend we were playing Time Crisis. It was his turn, but I refused to give him the gun. After some contestation he managed to wring it out of my hands. Like a life or death struggle he stood up defiantly and started shooting at me, point blank, with in unloaded toy gun. In any other context, I swear this scene would have looked like something out of Mission Impossible.

The first time I told him I loved him we were lying down. For practice, I mouthed the words against his lips. Usually we did this as a guessing game. But this time round, something else was on his mind. 'Why don't you love me?' he asked. We had already been together for over a year. 'I've already told you I love you, you just didn't hear me'.

To break the barriers you have spent so long and tried so hard to keep up - exposing the parts of you that would make Hitler look like a saint, and the parts of you that would have you martyred, if people only knew - and to be loved amidst such contradictions is almost as other worldly as a mother's unconditional love for her child. Yet, for someone who was once a complete stranger, to even come close, is an amazing feeling to be had.

But the most important thing I've learnt is that love, for the sake of loving, does exist, if you only let it.

Morse Code Romance

If ten years ago someone told you you'd be meeting new friends and lovers on the internet, would you have believed them? Ten years ago, the word blogger would have sparked images of overweight thirty something year old sociopaths who still lived with their mother.

Ten years ago, I was eight, and only just started to familiarise myself with the magical world of Paint. I was thirteen when I learnt how to connect onto the internet with my high tech 56K modem. The static sound was like music to my ears, and getting disconnected was practically the end of the world.

When I die and my life flashes before my eyes, I will experience about another two deaths just seeing the hours of my life wasted alteRnaYting Betw3En uPPaH aNd Low3RR caYse AnD intent!OnaLLy mi$peLLinG th!nGs cOz iT waSZe c00Lie$.

I officially started losing my grip when people started using the word 'zor'. I still don't understand what that means!

Does the word Ringo ring any bells? If so, shameful isn't it? It was my first taste of social networking. In order to upload photos, I laboriously had to take them using a film camera, get them developed, and scan half of them onto the computer (the other half had bad lighting - probably because my finger was covering the flash). By then, my latest photos were at least two months old.

People (including myself) migrated en masse from Ringo to Hi5 to Friendster to Bebo to Myspace to Facebook. What influenced this move considering they all do the same thing? Maybe it was the super accurate quizzes on offer. Then maybe it's also because we were able to experiment with personalised fonts, backgrounds and special effects. And maybe it's because we could add moving images such as .gif files and Youtube clips. And the one that prevails is usually the one that entails all of the above.

The tabloid news will tell us that our generation is known for pill popping, binge drinking, drunken fights, promiscuity and… online relationships. But as if our parents didn't do the same thing! Whose parents were hippies and did mushrooms? Whose mum got pregnant when she was sixteen, or before she was married? Whose dad STILL gets drunk with his friends every weekend? I know parents who fit into at least one of these categories and they are all wonderful people.

During the 1800's, people were meeting and having romantic relationships through morse code. The book Wired Love is based on a female and male operator falling in love online (the telegraph line, that is).

The first telegraph wedding took place in 1876 between San Diego and Camp Grant, AZ (137). Online telegraphic romances between operators were common and coded message between lovers were as well. This predates internet dating by more than a century. - http://mlennert.wordpress.com

Take this blog. Without the hyperlinks on my Myspace page, you may have never come across this site. Without MSN, a friend of yours probably wouldn't have been bothered recommending it to you. And perhaps, without this blog, you wouldn't have any other reason to approach me in real life.

So are meeting people on the internet and getting to know them through IM really all that new? Or have we just found new ways of doing old things?

Online interaction is shedding its old stigmas. One only needs to look at the number of commercials promoting dating websites for adults. They've gotta be funded by something. Funded by the success rate.

Instead of being seen as a substitute for reality, is the virtual world the new real world?

My 14th First Day of School

This blog has been a long time coming. Not that I actually have the time to write this. I'm probably sabotaging a potential pass, credit, distinction or high distinction (I wish!). For my sake, let's hope I'm only sabotaging a credit: that way I'll at least pass.

Let me explain. I started my five year university course on 25 March, and I've been bogged down with work ever since. I'm still adjusting, and trying to find a routine that works.

Remember that dream where you're running towards a door at the end of the hallway, but the more you run towards it, the farther away it gets? Well for me it's a reality. I feel like no matter how much work I do, there's so much more ahead of me.

But don't get me wrong. I absolutely love the content! Which is a great consolation; because I think I'd pass out if I ever have to label a scientific diagram of the polypeptide chain again.

I must admit that during my high school years, the hope of productive group work was dimmed after numerous bad experiences. I was the girl who eventually gave in to doing a generous amount of contribution because I was the only who cared about grades – while everyone else took turns listing what genuinely better things they had to do.

Which is why it came as a pleasant surprise during my first week of uni. My first assignment was the infamous group presentation. It was an eye opener to finally be with people who were just as determined, just as hard working, just as motivated – if not more. It felt like a breath of fresh air after living your whole life in an underground mine shaft.

It's incredibly nice to finally be in a classroom without your prize wingers – insistently nagging things such as: 'Why the f*ck do we need this for Miss? As if I need equations to be an architect. Aren't there, like, calculators for that sh*t?' Because now there's no excuses. Most of us chose to be here.

And friends? Well, so far I've still managed to keep in contact with old classmates by meeting up before or after class, as well as weekend parties. I realised that my greatest weakness is remembering names. So let's just say I've met many interesting, new faces.

I feel like the boring, plain white bread surrounded by Apple Cinnamon Swirl, Banana Slice, Sultana and Raisin… so yeah you get the point. Everyone else is so cultured. There are foreign exchange students from Germany and France, people who've been travelling the past couple of years and prior to this, I had never known anyone who came from boarding school.

So far the only down side is how much money I spend on train tickets every week!

The Nice Girl

Sometimes I dream of a revolution, a bloody coup d'etat by the second rank - troupes of actors slaughtered by their understudies, magicians sawn in half by indefatigably smiling glamour girls, cricket teams wiped out by marauding bands of twelfth men – I dream of champions chopped down by rabbit-punching sparring partners while eternal bridesmaids turn and rape the bridegrooms over the sausage rolls and parliamentary private secretaries plant bombs in the Minister's Humber – comedians die on provincial stages, robbed of their feeds by mutely triumphant stooges – and – march – an army of assistants and deputies, the seconds-in-command, the runners-up, the right-hand men - storming the palace gates wherein the second son has already mounted the throne having committed regicide with a croquet-mallet – stand-ins of the world, stand up! - Tom Stoppard, The Real Inspector Hound

I remember sport days in the sixth grade. They were my second worst day of the week, closely followed by those Wednesdays where we had to complete thirty random times tables in three minutes. It was the scariest one hundred and eighty seconds of every week.

Where was I? Oh yes, sport days. I was to the sporting field like a sportsperson is to the dance floor. My co ordination was so bad you could say I had two left feet, two left arms and two left eyes. By the time I got the hang of anything it was time to move on to another sport.

After a few weeks, baseball season was over, with soccer next on the agenda. I was the last person picked for a team, and my classmate's attempts of comforting me with the remark "Yeah! We've got The Brain on our team!" provided little compensation. It turned out that I was pretty good, and the following week I was picked first. Not because I was The Brain, but because I could actually kick.

I remember every year of junior high school. I thought I could continue my legacy as class prefect. I didn't realise how much of a popularity contest it was.

Instead, I was the girl the class captain copied her homework off. In a stream of second thoughts, I was the girl who people realised they should have voted for instead, a few months after the election.

Such confessions revealed to me in confidence were enough to keep me warm at night.

I remember when friendships were tested in senior high school. Large groups broke off into little, sometimes secret alliances. Throughout a time I'd like to call The Great Divide, I managed to keep the trust of each faction. Each side would openly bitch about the other to me because I was The Brains turned The Nice Girl.

I realised that regardless of how many fights a group has, no matter how many hours you spent listening to their grievances – by the time the dust has settled and friendships are reunited stronger than ever, this very neutrality keeps you tied to a string back at square one. You're still the girl who floats in between groups, whilst never really belonging to either one.

In remembrances I'd rather not indulge, I've been second to one boyfriend's social and work life. I've been second to another boyfriend's ex girlfriend. I've been second priority to my father ever since he started another family. I'm second to my best friend whenever he falls in love. I was second on my 18th birthday, when friends traded me for a party that served alcohol – friends I spent the best part of two years talking to, laughing with.

Some of you reading this might not relate at all, I hope I've increased awareness of someone you know, or will meet. Some of you reading this might relate all too well, I hope you know you're not the only one. Maybe our glory shines in a parallel universe; for this world is not kind to The Nice Girl and Guys. But we get by. That's what we're good at.

There are some things a girl should never try once

Tazos, tamagochis, digimons, pokemon cards, crazy bones. We lapped them up like a baby to its mother's teet (sorry for the image!): without thought and driven by a primordial need for sustenance.

By the time I was in high school, my needs got a little more complicated. I was one of only a few girls who came from my primary school, and for the first time I wasn't the only Filipino girl in the grade. I went from playing net ball and hand ball with friends of Australian and European descent, to bonding with people of the same cultural background.

Some people brag about their multicultural group of friends – but this was a new and exciting experience for me.

What people don't understand is that this part of my life was not about fitting in with the majority – but a journey towards finding myself. Questions like, 'Why is my skin darker than theirs?', 'How come they don't eat rice everyday, like me?' and 'Why am I the only one with jet black hair?' were embarrassingly moved from the 'honest concerns' pile to the 'silly questions' pile.

What the new girl in the group didn't expect, especially from attending a catholic school, was the exclusion felt by not being part of a particular youth group. It was like a super exclusive club where its members regularly gathered to talk about their awesome weekend camp, how funny it was when this happened, how sad it was when that happened and how cute their camp crush was – but sorry we're not allowed to tell you because it's either a secret or it's 'too complicated' or 'you wouldn't understand anyway'.

I think what hurt the most was when you were in a group of ten people, then a camp leader would walk past, then greet and give everyone a kiss on the cheek except you, act like you weren't there at all – which is sad.

Then one day a friend of mine was in dire need of a 'participant' (someone to initiate into the youth group). After much persuasion I succumbed.

What disgusts me today is the trouble I put my family through just so I could join (I only lasted one camp and two meetings). Among other things, I cried and fought with my mother for money we simply did not have to pay for the fees, and I forced her to take a night off work just so she could drop me off at a venue in a suburb she felt uncomfortable driving to.

Only now can I swallow my pride and shamefully admit that no matter what the youth group claimed to promote: God, prayer and peace – was a complete and utter contradiction to what I was causing my family. I realised that I was no longer trying to find myself, I was stupidly trying to fit in – and pushing my family away in the process. Consequently, I spent the weekend camp feeling guilty, guilty, guilty.

Tazos, tamagochis, digimons, pokemon cards and crazy bones were innocent craze-phases. For others it may have been something as simple as taking up hip hop lessons, basketball or forcing themselves to break dance just because everyone else was. And then there are phases that last longer than they should – illegal drug intake, excessive drinking and smoking. There are some things a girl should never try once; and I should have known better than to involve God. Such youth groups have no doubt positively impacted the lives of its members – it just wasn't for me. So if by next week everyone's signing up for "How To Make Free Money" workshops, I'll have learnt my lesson and gladly give this one a pass.

Surprises are like promises

To my readership (if one still exists!):

Yes this blog is still alive, which is more than I can say for its owner (more on that later). So why the long absence? For starters, my two part time jobs have seen me occupied for up to six days week.

My days off were spent going over 18's clubbing for the first and second time, attending cotillion dance rehearsals for two of my friends' debuts, literally burning the letters and photographs of my bestfriend's ex girlfriend in my backyard, and climbing the Sydney Harbour Bridge with my boyfriend on our two year anniversary.

And now, adding to my latest collection of excuses: I have the chicken pox. Sure, this would have been more convenient when I was five, but heck at least I'm not fifty.

With unprecedented fevers, headaches and backaches – I'm going to make this one short.

Most of us have been both the victim and the offender of broken promises. What was originally designed to enact as a verbally contractual agreement in theory, merely provides a false sense of security in practice. Because after all, promises are not guaranteed exempt from being
- drunkenly drawled off
- broken when the only thing that used to hold it together is no longer there i.e. a friendship and/or romance
- shared between two lovers whose first priority is not to keep any secrets from each other
- shared for the benefit of a two-faced friend
- broken under circumstances beyond the control of the promise holder

Reverse the situation and imagine if no one promised to keep anything for you, to turn up here and take you there, to buy you anything, to do something for you – but did it solely on their own accord. How much better would it feel?

This got me to thinking that maybe surprises are like promises spoken out loud. Because promises create expectations, which if aren't satisfied, create disappointment.