I believe that there are two main ways of getting to know a stranger: as a potential friend, or as a potential partner.
Let's explore what happens when you're just friends for too long.
Scenario 1: "I love you... you're like a brother to me!"
Scenario 2: "I can't go out with you because I don't want to ruin our friendship; like what if we break up? Things will never be the same."
Scenario 3: "I'm in love with (insert name, not your name, here)! What should I do?"
A friend of mine admitted to me: "I have to be at least a bit of an asshole. I don't want to just be the nice guy. Nice guys don't get the girl". So why are nice girls attracted to the bad guy? Dr Connel Cowan and Dr Melvyn Kinder, authors of Smart Women Foolish Choices state "A woman may experience a man as being kind, responsible and caring – not a bad combination – but she may ultimately lose interest if there is no dynamic tension, no excitement or mystery".
So apart from being an asshole, how does a guy get to know a girl without hitting any of the above, dead end scenarios? Because at the other end of the spectrum, there are also girls who won't go out with a guy she barely knows.
Kind of like the Loch Ness monster, Bigfoot and the female G-spot - an equilibrium is alleged to exist somewhere in what they call 'seeing someone'. But as I have discovered, this middle ground is more complicated than it's extremes.
What does it even mean to see someone? Can you see more than one person at a time? And are there physical boundaries with the people you see? If not, what's the difference between a slut/manwhore, and someone who sleeps with everyone they're seeing?
Here's what you guys said:
• I think the term "seeing someone" is used when the communication lines aren't clear.
However if an individual in the relationship says that he/she is "seeing him/her", they would like the relationship to eventuate, but is uncertain as to the feelings of the other individual.
Plus, it would be more diplomatic, less embarrassing, & easier to explain that things didn't workout because "the relationship status wasn't really 'official'.
And as for physical boundaries, it depends on the individual. Of course I don't think it is necessary to jump into bed after a half hour of grinding on the dance floor.
• Isn't it like try before you buy styles? You both know you like each other and act as a couple just starting out but it doesn't mean you can't like someone else too. That's why you're seeing whom you like more.
• 'Seeing someone' is a mutual thing I guess. You like each other but you're not official. Technically you're single but you're not completely open to mingle around because you've got that 'potential someone'. Physical boundaries? I guess that depends on the individual.
• 'Seeing someone' is an unofficial commitment to someone. However, the commitment is so small that it allows you to see other people at the same time. And when you see someone there are no physical boundaries, but it all depends on what they're comfortable with.
• I think that 'seeing someone' is testing out the waters with that particular person. Mutual understanding that you both like each other. No strings attached. But I don't think that it is right to be seeing more than one person at a time, but I guess it depends on how long you've been seeing the person. If it's been a couple of weeks or months and you've started to see a new person I would see it as wrong. And as for physical boundaries, I reckon it would depend on their views on things.
• It's between the people seeing each other to decide that.
• To see someone means that you're more than friends, but aren't exactly bound together in a relationship. Yeah, I think you can see more than one person at a time, but don't expect the other person to approve. And I don't think there are physical boundaries.
• 'Seeing someone' is like testing the water before you jump in. You want to see if they would change when you consider them a partner. And you want to see how people around you respond when they find out you're involved.
• You're seeing if they're worth getting into a relationship with. No, I don't think you can see more than one person at a time. Physical boundaries: not far.
• 'Seeing someone' is practically committing themselves to each other, but without the title.
• If you believe in monogamy then of course there are physical boundaries. 'Seeing someone', can be taken as a fling, a summer romance or simply a fuck. People these days have forgotten the notion of dating. People dive headfirst into full on 'going out' relationships.
• 'Seeing someone' is a process some couples with mutual feelings test run a relationship. No you can't see more than one person at a time. There is no specific title; but the way I see it, if someone asks if you have a girlfriend/boyfriend, the right answer would be "No, but I am seeing someone". If one person decides to have feelings for another person, they'll have to be open about it to the person they're seeing. No one likes to be a side dish!
It just goes to show that if you're seeing someone, you can't guarantee they aren't sleeping with someone else.
Could seeing someone merely be an excuse to be unfaithful?
Is it possible to cheat on people you're only seeing?
Is it a double standard by western society, against the taboo cultures where polygamy (multiple marriage) is a norm? Think traditionalist Islam, Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and Mormon fundamentalists.
What's worse: someone who has hundreds of one night stands in their lifetime, impregnates some and fathers none - or someone who has thirty kids to five different wives, and yet supports all of them? (For the sake of not going even more off track, I'll leave this heavily contestable issue for another blog entry).
What did catch my attention was the word 'mutual'. How do you know something is mutual without talking about it? Wouldn't that mean making assumptions about the other person's feelings? Are these the very people who feel 'lead on' when their feelings aren't reciprocated?
I apologise to anyone who was expecting a solid answer by the end of this blog. I was hoping to have one myself. Trying to answer one question opened up a whole bunch of unanswerable others. Consider this entry not just food for thought, but an all-you-can-eat for thought. And just when you thought official relationships were complicated enough.
Bonne appétit, ya'll!
