From one milestone to another

 

This arrived in the mail today. So it's official. I'm part of the Golden Key International Honour Society for being in the top 15% of my university cohort.

As thrilled as I should be, I'm petrified. By mid November I'll have graduated.

But I'm already feeling the pressure of having to make something of myself. After all, what good are a bunch of scholarships and awards if I can't make it in the 'real world'?

For the first time in a long time, I don't know where I'll be this time next year and quite frankly, it's scaring me.

When people asked what I do for work, I grew accustomed to the comfort of being able to tell people I hadn't finished my studies yet. In other words "back off, I'm not a failure (yet)" - while at the same time telling myself I'll worry about finding a job when the time comes for it.

So here I am, no more emotionally prepared than I was at the start of my double degree.

I always knew I was getting myself into a competitive industry - but I didn't expect it to be so heartless either. I guess I'm all the more disheartened due to some drama that happened a few weeks back. I got a job at an agency I highly respected and admired, only to have it taken away from me in the most deceitful, unprofessional way.

To make things worse, I had given up my internship at another, smaller agency for this very position. An agency who were offering me a full-time job after university were I to stay on with them.

I was flung back to square one.

I was distraught. For the first time in my life, I experienced symptoms of heartbreak women usually go through because of men. I cried until it hurt to keep my eyes open, and I'd surrender myself to a deep sleep. I lost my appetite and fell into a sob whenever someone asked me how I was doing.

Those few days I spent hating life, the world went on without me. And that's the thing. The world doesn't slow down to comfort anybody. So with a bruised ego I got up and asked myself, what can I take away from this in order for me to move on?

No contracts were signed so there's no point pushing a case of 'he-said-she-said'. Next time, I will
sign a contract before quitting my current job. It was a hard lesson. But at least I learnt it young. At least I wasn't older, with bills and a mortgage at stake, nor a family to support.

Lesson two: it hurt because it mattered to me. Because I wanted it. People go through mid-life crises asking themselves if they chose the right path for them - is this what I really want? It was a hard lesson, but it was self-affirming in that at least I know this is where I want to be.

Lesson three: shit happens. And there's no point being embarrassed about it. So you lost a job you kind of never had. The people who care about you just want you to be happy.

So here's to hoping everything works out okay as I try making it alive from one milestone to another.

Love, Noeline
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Dating on difficult mode

Turns out I've been playing the dating game without knowing the basic controls.

I only just discovered that being exclusive with someone is NOT the same thing as being their girlfriend. In fact, they're two completely different levels. I've compiled a step-by-step guide of the relationship memo that seems to have missed me all of the nine years I've been dating.

1. Dating and still being able to see other people
2. Exclusively seeing each other
3. I wouldn't tell people you're my girlfriend, I'd say you're my girl
4. OK, now you're my girlfriend
5. Partners
6. Husband and wife

The last time I used the word 'partner' was in kindergarten, and it referred to the guy you had to hold hands with in line. Pointing this out to a friend, suddenly I was the one over analysing things!

I feel like all these different stages complicate relationships for the sake of complicating relationships.

And apparently, it doesn't necessarily need to be made known when the relationship is transitioning from one level to the other. Apparently, it "happens naturally." ARE YOU BOTH MIND READERS OR SOMETHING? I'm sorry, but could you maybe wave a flag when we're onto the next one? Just so I know?

And also, since you never actually asked me to be your girl, and since you have no intention of asking me to be your girlfriend should that holy grail of a day ever come, are you ever going to ask me to marry you? Or should I just expect to wake up married one day?

If a guy were to come up to me in a club and ask if I had a boyfriend, I'm not going to waste a single breath shouting about how it's complicated, because it would sound a little like this: "YOU SEE, WE'RE TOGETHER BUT NOT TOGETHER. HE WOULDN'T WANT ME GIVING MY NUMBER TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU, OR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER. SO BASICALLY, HE WANTS TO OWN ME WITHOUT HAVING TO WORK FOR IT. BECAUSE WE'RE NOT THAT SERIOUS, YET, I THINK. BUT HE LIKES ME, HE REALLY REALLY LIKES ME."

Then imagine if that guy asked you to repeat what you just said. His jam came on halfway through and got distracted. And it's funny because some guys have as much fun defining the different degrees of a relationship as much as the next girl. Like casually naming every single bone in the body and going, "Oh, didn't you know that?"

Fuck. That. Shit. Get over yourselves. Seriously.

Am I with someone or am I not with someone? That's all I want to know. Is that so much to ask? And why did no one tell me about this earlier!

Thoughts?

Love, Noeline
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Overthink and underachieve

Compare yourself to the right people and you can find ways to make yourself feel like both an underachiever and overachieve.

I find it flattering when people think I've achieved a lot for my age. But their compliment gets swept up in my thoughts of other people. People my age with careers earning close to six digits. People with houses and cars and actual independence. People with jobs chasing after them while I beg to get free work experience.

Then there's other people way older than me, still trying to figure out what makes them happy.

The question we should all be asking ourselves is whether or not we feel like we've done okay given our own personal circumstances. Only then we can finally start to give ourselves credit, or at least confront us into reevaluation.