How to be happy

I have a tendency to over admire people, who in their own and very different ways, I consider successful.

I admire stay-at-home mums and career mums. I admire self-made billionaires, and people who quit their jobs to travel the world.

There will always be someone I can compare myself to, to make me feel like shit. But more importantly, there are even more people I can compare myself to, to make me feel blessed.

Take the lessons, take the best of them, and let it inspire you.

At the end of the day, I need to remind myself that what I'm really jealous of is their contentment. If I can only stop running in a hundred different races and concentrate on my own, then I too can allow myself the happiness I deserve, that everyone deserves.

We accept the love we think we deserve

If you want to know why I haven't been blogging much, this pretty much encapsulates it.

I wish I had the time to sit back and relax and take it all in by writing it all down. That last sentence could have probably done with a few commas - but then it would no longer be an accurate representation of how it all went down in my head.

For those who didn't click the link above, let me put it this way: life is good. I mean, really good.

But if there's one thing that's been hovering around my mind recently, it's the following. Taken from The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, it goes:

It got me thinking about frienships and relationships. How we let people treat us is a reflection of our own self-worth. People who don't think they deserve better, stay. People who think they do, attract the kind of people who will.

Love, Noeline

xox

P.S. If I'm MIA on here I'm probably active on my tumblr - gathering inspiration from quotes by literary gods and hipster photos. So check it.

Overthink and underachieve

Compare yourself to the right people and you can find ways to make yourself feel like both an underachiever and overachieve.

I find it flattering when people think I've achieved a lot for my age. But their compliment gets swept up in my thoughts of other people. People my age with careers earning close to six digits. People with houses and cars and actual independence. People with jobs chasing after them while I beg to get free work experience.

Then there's other people way older than me, still trying to figure out what makes them happy.

The question we should all be asking ourselves is whether or not we feel like we've done okay given our own personal circumstances. Only then we can finally start to give ourselves credit, or at least confront us into reevaluation.

Customer Service Rep or Verbal Punching Bag?

Ughhhhh. Customers would be better off filing formal complaints than taking it out on part-time and casual sales staff. I mean, how much sway do you honestly think we have? There's different departments for a reason. I'm sure you work for an organisation where you don't control everything either. But I guess you do it for the verbal punching bag aspect. Believe it or not we're human too. I'm sorry some of your phone calls get directed overseas. No need to get racist about it either. It wasn't my idea. Promise.

Have a nice day (because you've ruined mine).

Today's purchases :)

When are you coming to The Philippines? When I win the lotto.

Today marks my one month anniversary back in Sydney. Despite experiencing post-erasmus depression, I have to admit that it's gone by pretty fast. Whereas I was once so hard to get a hold of, I've now been jumping at every opportunity of human contact - coffee, drinks, lunch, dinner. Anything.

"I have no phone, no job and no classes. In other words no life," I would say self-pityingly to those who asked me when I was free.

My old friends had new lives. The ones that were in uni had now graduated and had full time jobs. The animals I used to party with had settled down. Friends who once had time for me were now more 'whipped' than ever.

For the first time in a long time I found myself bored. I was restless.

So I buried myself in a book by one of my favourite authors. I prepared packages and wrote handwritten letters for twelve of my overseas amigos. For more than a decade my grand mother has been asking me when I was going to see her. When on the phone to my dad she would express fear of passing away before that time would ever come. When I was younger I quite honestly told her I would visit her when I won the lotto. It became a running joke, my naivety in thinking it was that easy to win millions of dollars. I've never even won a school raffle in my life. So with my left over money I booked a trip to The Philippines. I leave in five days.

Whereas home was merely a place for sleep in between class and work in the city, I've now been spending the best part of many days there. Sit down meals with my family were rare. Now I have them everyday. And it's been nice.

I've realised who my real friends are. And as happens with time, not only does this group tend to get smaller and smaller but the characters in it change. Friends who said they couldn't wait for my return have yet to be heard from. The first person I thought I would see ended up being one of the last, and I felt, only out of obligation to the friendship we used to have. But with that said, people I didn't know a year ago and live thousands of kilometers away have proven them selves to be more genuine, more supportive and better listeners than people I've known for years in Australia.

If they're the only thing constant in my life, I've rediscovered the meaning of family. On my last European trip to Amsterdam I worried about not having enough space for all the presents I wanted to buy for my family.
"Why, how many people are you buying stuff for? I'm only getting things for my mum, dad and brother," said a friend.
I pulled out a piece of paper listing the names of aunts, uncles and cousins like a weekly grocery list. Turns out a lot of other people don't associate much with their extended family. I came back just in time for Christmas and New Year, and whereas I once hated not being able to spend such occasions with friends, I love that we make a big family fiasco out of them. When someone doesn't show up they're inquired after the rest of the night. My cousins are like brothers and sisters to me. I like that we hang out with each other. And upon booking our tickets to The Philippines, family connections I forgot existed or thought too distant were suddenly offering us places to stay, to drive us around, to be our translators and chaperones. Unlike extended families who stop talking after a quarrel, I'm glad to say hasn't happened to mine. I want my children to grow up with my cousin's children. I want my children not only to know their grandmother, but their grandmother's brothers and sisters.

I've also had time to over-think. People have asked me how many more years of uni I have left (which, fyi, is one) - and what I want to do after. I intended using my year overseas as a time to get the travel bug out of my system. You know, while I was still young. I would then finish uni and find a job, establish for myself a career in the advertising industry, marry, have kids, and be merry. But now that I've come back, I don't want to do anything else but learn more languages and travel. Some people have suggested doing both, but business trips don't exactly leave you with much time to explore and experience the culture. The most 'successful' people I've met have also been the most miserable. I see them on the train in their fancy suits on their laptops - and they're not even in the office yet. I listen to friends bitch about their bosses, of feeling a lack of self-worth and purpose. The happiest people I've met work 'ordinary' jobs - working at a hostel in Granada, Spain; serving ice cream in Paros, Greece; running a university cafeteria in Logrono; Spain. I had my life planned out, albeit roughly, and now I don't know what to do. I work myself anxious thinking about it.

Even though I've never failed a class I get scared that this year I might, and that I'll be stuck at uni longer than expected. I get scared that I'll never find a job in communications - for numerous reasons. Like for not having a prestigious enough education, for not coming from a more prestigious family, for not living in a more prestigious area. For not being white. For being a woman. For not having enough previous experience when I literally couldn't work unpaid internships because I had to help my family. Or that I'll get my dream job but end up hating it. Or that I'll get my dream job but it will require my own transport and how I don't have my license because I chose a degree that required me to live overseas for a year on my own money, and the very degree I originally thought would give me a cutting edge has instead fucked me over.

Everyone around me is professing their everlasting love on Facebook, along with getting married, having babies and buying houses with their spouses. As for me I don't even know what's going on with my love life.

So now that I've verbalised my distress (and congratulations to those of you who've made it this far), I'm off to try and channel this energy in positive ways, to challenge myself and overcome everyone's worst enemy: personal doubt.

Love, Noeline
xox

My Survival Kit

I've realised the value of always having something to look forward to. It's the only thing that ever gets me through the present.

Reality Check

I have less than two months left in splendid Spain. Until then, here's my countdown of things to do:
- a 5,000 word research project which involves surveys and interviews with Spaniards, as well as another 2,500 word essay for my uni in Sydney
- three exams for my uni in Spain, whilst keeping up with the homework for each class
- send a box of all the things I've amassed over the past year that won't fit in my suitcase (by things, I mean clothes and shoes)
- if nowhere else, visit friends in Salamanca and La Carolina in Spain, and Casablanca and Marrakesh in Morroco

I have a year left of university waiting for me when I get back to Sydney. I feel like I'm the only one STILL studying. Everyone else is graduating or has graduated, working graduate positions. They're getting engaged and married and having babies.

I feel like there's something wrong with me for not wanting to settle down. I'll be 23 by the time I graduate. And even then I want a few solid years of that thing I've been working for since I was 5. I think they call it a career. I want to commit to it fully, sans husband and children.

If I do that for at least 5 years, I'll be 28 by the time I even consider walking down the aisle. Assuming I even have a steady boyfriend at the time.

So instead of channelling my inner Bridezilla or changing nappies, my to-do list looks more like this:
- get a smart phone and have my first mobile contract
- find a new job, probably two
- take the L's test (again)
- get my P's
- buy a car
- get a motorbike license
- buy a motorbike
- buy a house, rent it out
- visit my family in The Philippines, probably get attacked by mosquitoes
- have a white Christmas
- spend a year or two living in a foreign country (again)
- travel more, everywhere
- improve my Spanish, learn French and Arabic
- decorate my house with my own art
- read more books
- write more
- date someone who challenges and pushes me, makes me laugh and understands me, someone I can trust completely
- fall in love with the above person, marry them, have babies with them, adopt a child with him, get a French bulldog and call it Hombre
- write a column or book (or both)
- learn an instrument, piano maybe?
- reach self-actualisation (Maslow, anyone?)
- re-learn how to use a sewing machine, and make shit!

That should keep me busy for a while. What does your list look like?

Love, Noeline
xox

Fame or Fortune?

"If you could be either rich or famous, which one would you rather be?" asked my friend rather suddenly.

"Famous," I decided. Because for me, fame is a form of immortality. You live for as long as someone remembers you.

Imagine if everything you ever thought or did was reduced to nothing. Like you never existed.

This very fear of being forgotten has borne some of the biggest monuments known to mankind. Pyramids. Palaces. Cathedrals. Statues. The bigger the better, because the more people see it, the more they'll be reminded, and the less they'll forget.

But without any slaves under my power or a royal bloodline behind me, I'd love to be remembered for my writing. I'd love knowing that centuries from now someone would still be reading the very words I put together and stir their thoughts from my grave.

And what about you, dear reader? Fame or fortune?

Love, Noeline
xox

Que sera sera

I feel like a kid in a candy store in terms of my life right now.
Oh the indecision of endless possibilities!

How not to live in the moment

So, I worry about things. Don't we all? A friend of mine thinks I worry more than the average bear, and told me not to worry. "Live in the moment," he kept saying.

But I'm not used to just living in the moment. I'm used to planning moments. And while the moment is happening I'm thinking about how well it turned out, how bad it's going, what's going to happen next, or where else I could be.

And, at what point does living in the moment become an excuse for destructive behaviour? A justification for doing things you wouldn't normally do? A reason to do something without thinking it through? (See? Here I am worrying about how to in the moment!)

I've been like this as far back as I can remember. Throughout my years at school I never stepped in areas that were out of bounds, always wore my hat so I could play, always submitted my homework on time, I wore my uniform correctly and was never late to class.

Even as a child, I never jumped in puddles. I didn't like playing outside so I never climbed trees, never got stung by a bee, never broke a bone jumping off the roof thinking I could fly.

And where did it get me? It got me to 21 with no exciting childhood stories. I wish someone had told me earlier I would regret being so well behaved.

I was always scared of getting dirty, of getting lost, of getting hurt. In many ways I still am, maybe even more so. Because the pain isn't just physical anymore. I'm at an age where I can over think things really well - and make things hurt more than they do, more than they should.

And, how do you just switch your mindset from one to the other? Is it something you can do overnight? (In which case I would have already failed). Does it take time? Or is it too late altogether?

Here goes, I'm resetting my cognitions.

Love, Noeline
xox

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready - H.D. Thoreau

Maybe it's a form of tween angst, but recently I've noticed a lot of people retorting that they’re 'sick of Sydney' and just 'want to get away from it all.' Where? 'Anywhere but here,' they say. Although I laud their desire to go out and see the world, and try new things – I can't help but wonder whether some people are just saying it in vain. Like it was said as an expression of frustration or boredom than actual intent. As if packing your bags and flying off to another country is easy, as if traveling itself and adjusting to another culture is simple. So what do you do when you don't live on the set of Gossip Girl? When you don’t have the luxury of running off to The Bahamas when experiencing boyfriend problems?

There are enough blogs out there littered with pictures of the Eifel tower and other travel destinations. What I want to see more of are less people accompanying these pictures with excuses. You can and should do something about it. What are you waiting for?

I feel like I have at least somewhat of a right to say these things because I myself don't come from a wealthy family. Unlike some families who regularly go on vacations, we haven't been overseas in more than a decade. I come from a single income household. I don't get allowance. I help my mum out with the bills. I'm too old to receive child support. I make too much for Centrelink. If you're better off than me in any of these ways you've already got a head start.

A lot of people wonder how I ever managed to save enough money to fund the year that I'll be spending overseas. For the past three years I juggled full time uni with two part-time jobs. When I didn't get enough shifts at one, I found another. Most nights I stayed up past midnight to keep up with uni work. I budgeted. I packed my lunch as often as I could (I lie, my mum does it for me). My outings were few and far between. I lost friends who didn't respect why I couldn’t 'just call in sick' to work, who misinterpreted my inability to eat out, to go shopping or out clubbing with them as a sign that I didn’t want to spend time with them. I researched financial institutions and invested my money in an account that accrued interest, and moved it again when I found another one better. I learned that it’s okay to buy an expensive pair of leather shoes if it'll last longer than ten pairs of cheap synthetic ones. Buying cheap things on a whim doesn't necessarily work out cheaper per se.

I'm not trying to glorify myself. All of these things people my age are perfectly capable of doing, with or without the same hardships, but choose not to do. I'm not saying it was easy. It was fucking hard. But the best things in life are usually the things you worked your arse off for i.e. love, raising children, etc.

Some people spend their whole lives waiting for the perfect time that never comes; they turn into old people with regrets. But at some point you’re always going to be sacrificing something. I sacrificed my social life (and maybe a bit of my sanity) to do be able to travel in my early twenties. So I could travel whilst on the cusp of international legal age, when my body was at its fittest (which at the moment, isn't actually very fit), and my stamina at its highest (which, again, isn't very high). People who decide to focus on their careers first might find they have to sacrifice a potential promotion in order to travel. People who decide to have children first might find they have to sacrifice some activities for the more family-friendly ones.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's possible to be in your late teens or early twenties and start taking hold of your own life, to determine your own destiny instead of waiting for others. And it doesn’t have to do with traveling; I mean it for anything in life, for everything in life. Whatever it is, if you’re not going for it, it’s a sign you must not really want it.

People my age tell each other that they don’t have enough money to go out. There’s an expectation amongst us that it’s bad to have money saved up for something greater than a drunken night on the town. I hope it changes. I hope you go for what you want.

Love, Noeline
xox


Logroño, La Rioja. My new home next year. So picturesque it looks like a painting.