Ponder-replay

A couple of weeks ago, I lost my phone for the second time in two years. Fearing that this might actually become a yearly ritual, I have decided to refrain from such things as Blackberrys and iPhones.

So I bought a $39 brick from the Optus store. Supposedly locked to the Optus network, I teamed it with a $5 sim card from Virgin. Which makes me wonder, what actually goes on when people fork out $80 for an 'unlocking' service fee?

Things that make him go mmmm...

… I'm thirty years old. I have never, ever cheated on a girlfriend. I only date one girl at a time... But I must admit that I look… no matter how hard I've tried to change, I can't. The only way I can't look is if I focus all attention on not looking… It's a reaction, plain and simple. As involuntary as turning your head when you hear your name…
- Answer Bag

Some call it checking out. Others call it perving. Call it whatever you want, they all mean the same thing. Here are two definitions I grabbed from Urban Dictionary:

To look at someone's features in order to determine that person's level of sexual attractiveness and the extent to which you would like to [fuck them].

…to look them up and down and assess how attracted to them you are, based on physical appearance only. Can be done by both males and females. If you’re a straight guy, you would "check out" girls but not other guys - even if you appreciate that they are attractive, this is different to being attracted to them.

With these things said, is it really harmless to look without touching?

From the outset of our relationship, my boyfriend and I have always perved on girls together. Shopping centers, public spaces and television screens beware. Most times I find it fun. Other times I find it frustrating when he approves of a girl I clearly find unattractive, or disagrees about a girl I find gorgeous. In so doing I’ve taught him such things as the disaster that is fake tan, and the difference between waif bodies and hourglass figures. Without realising, it became a part of our relationship I didn’t question.

That was until numerous friends reported almost breaking up with their partners who either (a) got hurt by ‘inconsiderate’ comments like ‘Damn I’d tap Megan Fox any day’ or (b) didn’t understand how in the world their partner could be offended by similar exclamations.

Wondering if relationship etiquette for such circumstances existed, I put it out there:
Is it okay to perve on other people while in a relationship, whether or not your partner is there with you in person, silently in your head and/or out loud?


Here’s what some of you said:

“I don’t mind. I feel that if one does so silently it means they feel guilty? Which would make you wonder. By that I mean feeling guilt towards their partner because they did it silently (in secret).”

“It is ok to perve at all times. It’s only embarrassing when you get caught by the perve-ee.”

“To 'look' silently is oh but natural, to look 'out loud' is just rude.”

“Depends on the circumstances. If both partners are okay with it then it makes it okay but… one or the other will have their self-esteem affected by it, even in the smallest of ways.”

“My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we've discussed this many times! For us, it's completely ok to 'perve' on other people, as long as it's nothing more than that. I think that looking at the opposite sex is in our nature, and it's not like we have any intentions beyond that, it's just admiring!”

“I reckon it’s a-ok! You’re in a relationship with them so they should be your best bud as well. Your opinions matter and if you think that someone is good looking, either of the opposite sex or not, its a free country and you’re entitled to your opinion. We don’t all date Johnny Depps and Jude laws so just a little perve keeps us sane!”

“I'm ok with it just as long as your partner is always honest and faithful. If you trust them, I don't see the reason why not. Just as long as they're not over the top, and make such a big deal about the hot person that the significant other's self esteem is crushed. Oh, and just as long as they always remind you how beautiful you are too.”


From some of the responses it seems that perving is okay as long as it’s with A-list celebrities us mortals don’t stand a chance of leaving our partners for.

From some of the other responses it seems that who you perve on is beside the point – that to check someone else out is to inadvertently point out the flaws and shortcomings of your partner.

From the rest of the responses it seems that you can’t call a ‘natural’ reflex wrong in the first place. But whether or not you might as well share what’s on your mind or keep them to yourself is a whole other contentious issue.

It seems that Australian men are going with the first option, and not tastefully either. Author of online column called Sex and the Suburbs writes:

I'm not sure if they are aware of how obvious their perving is or if they simply just don't care but when [they] nearly give…[themselves] whiplash to have another look at you when he walks past[,] it's kind of hilarious.

What do you think? I’d love to hear your stories!

Love, Noeline
xox

Mummy, what’s a bump-and-grind?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they suddenly find themselves detached from popular culture, forcing one to contemplate whether or not they’re getting old.

That moment came to me a couple of nights ago. It’s not that I got excited about a Spotlight sale, nor was I contemplating about throwing a Tupperware party - I was at an inner city Hip-Hop and R&B club for my friend’s 20th birthday.

Some of the songs I didn’t know at all. Most of the songs I remember NOT downloading because, and to use this term loosely, they sounded gay. Everything sounded like it was produced by ABC’s Playschool, featuring Big Ted.

And there I was, caught between rips of people who seemed not to notice a thing.

For obvious reasons, a friend I call my soul mate felt the exact same way. In between Akon songs gone wrong (and of that there was ten too many), we lamented over where all the good Hip-Hop and R&B had disappeared to (the one's we grew up listening too anyway). Lil Jon, Jay-Z, The Ying Yang Twins, Fatman Scoop, Busta Rhymes, 50 Cent and Ludacris were nowhere to be seen, or should I say heard.

If you know where all the good R&B's gone, holla.

Love, Noeline
xox

Palaeontology

Early on in our relationship, I would hug him through clothes she bought for him.

One time we were going through his family photo albums – only to find it specked with photos of her.

Feeling cold at his house one night, he gave me something to throw on. Turns out I wasn’t the only girl who’s worn it.

Another time he was cleaning his room. In the process of throwing out perfectly good pens, he came across a perfectly good notebook. Having scolded him about having thrown away perfectly good pens, he threw me the perfectly good notebook. Turns out it wasn’t blank.

In each of these situations, you could have thrown me into a pool of elephant dung and I’d have felt less disgusted.

And that’s when I fast-forwarded decades into the future. What if the man I end up marrying kept wearing the clothes and using the jewellery his ex-girlfriend handpicked for him? What if I moved in with him only to cook, dine, sleep and watch TV using the furniture and appliances he bought with his ex-fiancée? The thought terrified me. Is there any way out of this mess, or is it just a part of life I haven’t yet learned to accept?

So, is it okay to keep things from your ex? eg. letters, clothes, etc.?From the responses prevailed a group of functionalists:

“If you return it, he or she will [just] throw it away. Why throw away good things? It’s a waste. What if it’s a Play Station 3? I wouldn’t want to throw that away. If your ex-boyfriend gave you a Louis Vuitton bag, wouldn’t you still keep it if you guys broke up?

“If it has a purpose, such as a vacuum, expensive labelled clothing, hose, shower head, auto mobile or umbrella – keep it!”

“I was given a soft toy giraffe that I absolutely adore and I still have. My current boyfriend doesn't mind at all. I guess if the relationship is strong enough things like that shouldn't matter”

“After my last break up I ripped every single letter and photo… and as for the things he's given like clothes, bags and other material things, they just become part of my wardrobe and I forget who even gave me what”Then we have the sceptics. They argue that keeping things from past relationships is disrespectful to the partner/s that follow.

“I don’t it’s right. It’s like you’re hanging on to something – some type of hope – even if it is a Tiffany & Co. bracelet or Miu Miu handbag - you have to let go”

“Only okay if you use the items for Voodoo, otherwise trash that shit”

“Keeping them reflects some sort of attachment and it wouldn't be right if you really cared for the one you’re with.”

“I don’t get why you would want to hold on to your past… it causes problems. You never know, you could be married and your wife finds your letters and ex-numbers stashed away. How do you explain yourself then? I know a few couples who kept that kind of stuff and got caught red-handed - married couples too”

“I was with my boyfriend for three years. When he was cleaning out his cupboard this year he showed me all this stuff his ex’s gave him: cards, letters and notes. Ummm WTF? It’s not cool to keep that shit!”

“That’s a difficult one to generalise on because I think that certain situations would render it inappropriate and others would make it okay. Basically it's not okay to keep things from your ex if you want to move on or have already done so. But I think its okay during that ‘mourning period’ where uncertainty is everything and you don't know if you can move on. But yeah when you snap out of it, it shouldn't even be an issue, throw it out!”

“I used to [keep the things my ex gave me], but not anymore. I think people hang on to things like love letters because they hope they'll find something like that again. When you do, you don't feel the need to keep them anymore. [For example,] my ex wrote me a few songs and I kept them for months after we broke up until I found my current boyfriend. I threw the CDs out because I'm so much happier now than I was then. I don't need to hang on to that hope anymore”

“There are some things I kept from ex’s. It was a bit of sentimental value, but a few years later, when I find them again, I might have a laugh or a shake of the head, but yeah in the bin it goes”Surprisingly - only ONE respondent agreed that it was okay to keep the things given him/her from an ex:

“I’ve only kept the ones from my first love in a box he gave me. I’m not holding onto hope or what not, it’s just a part of my life that I smile and laugh at what when I read them (which is like once in a blue moon). I think keeping them doesn’t mean you want to get back with them, it just shows that at one point in you life you were able to love and be loved in return”
But with all these things said, what do you do when one person thinks it’s okay and the other person doesn’t? Should the functionalist succumb to throwing away perfectly good things? Or should empiricists simply learn to deal with it?

A few people I've spoken to said that it depends on the situation - whether or not your ex and your current boy/girlfriend get along. That if your new boy/girlfriend has a problem with your ex/s - it's best not having things lying around to upset him/her.

What do you think? Simply click on the comment link below - especially for those of you who didn’t get to share your thoughts and/or experiences the first time round.

Love, Noeline
xox

The more personal, the more universal.

Some of my favourite Post Secrets.

Beautiful Disaster

When I was in primary school they called me ‘goody two shoes’ and ‘teacher’s pet’. And by ‘they’ I mean the ones who knew I even existed; for you see I was that abnormally quiet girl.

But today she’s got a confession. Beneath the surface I had a soft spot for the bad boys: the ones whose names were always on the board for talking in class. The ones who dared enter the playground without a hat with their shirt hanging out.

Come high school, they suddenly lost all appeal. I guess it’s because getting kicked out of school, smoking, binge drinking, violence, drug dealing and addictions are gradations too high on the social deviancy scale for me to handle.

So why do smart, well-grounded people with a functioning moral compass fall for trouble?

I had a friend confess that they like being with someone whose life is more dramatic than their own. The relationship becomes a mission to ‘save’ the other, which in turn brings them self-worth.

This is all fine and dandy in movie scripts – but since when did modern dating become a form of martyrdom? Call me old fashioned, but when did we stop admiring people for their integrity?

When you find out, write me a comment or something will ya?

Love, Noeline
xox

Inside scoop for some outside perspective

Now us sales assistants always get a bad wrap. On the one side we’re accused of being overbearing, pushy bimbos. At the same time we’re stretched to the other side of the spectrum as being stuck-up, snobby people. Here’s our rebuttal.

Firstly, this position is not the be-all and end-all of our careers. A lot of us are actually enrolled in secondary or tertiary education, and/or hoping to work our way up the ladder and end up in head office playing a more ‘respectable’ role. For others like us it’s an outlet from staid office jobs, apprenticeships, internships, etc.
Lesson 1: We’re not dumb.

Secondly, we’re not as spoilt as you think. If we were, we wouldn’t be working in retail – you’d be surprised how little it pays.

Some of us are working to help provide for our family financially – even if it means supporting ourselves. Some of us are trying to pay for our own education. Some of us are saving up for a home, or the chance to travel overseas. Some of us are saving up for a car – hence why we’re not working in a remote office as an administration assistant in a suburb untouched by public transport.

Although you will find the odd sales assistant who landed the job through connections, works for the fun of it, and spends their whole pay packet, as well as some of Daddy’s money on clothes and whatnot (given the chance, who wouldn’t?) – please don’t stereotype the rest of us.
Lesson 2: Yes, we have goals!

Thirdly, we might be naturally outgoing, but we’re taught how to be sticky beaks. For some reason it seems that human resources departments around the globe have yet to catch on to the fact that not all customers like being asked what the weather is like outside, what they’re doing today, and who they’re doing it with. Your energy is better spent sending your complaints to them – as opposed to contributing to the mountain of online forums bagging us out.

Whether or not we keep our jobs is determined by a list. They vary from company to company – but include whether or not we smiled, made eye contact, complimented you, made you aware of promotions, or offered you another item with your purchase. Whether or not we do these things is monitored by people called mystery shoppers, hired either by the company or the shopping center to make sure we’re doing a ‘good’ job at customer service. They don’t have a uniform, they look just like you - can you blame us for being so cautious?
Lesson 3: Don’t hate the player, hate the game!

Finally, you’ve all probably wondered why we don’t back off after you’ve picked up one item from the racks. Blame it on the individual sales targets we have to meet, of which our position is subject to review if we don’t meet them. Such figures vary depending on the days of the week (e.g. Thursdays to Sundays are generally busier than Mondays to Wednesdays) and/or trading periods (e.g. Christmas). It’s the company’s way of tracking whether or not we’re doing a good job, and indirectly - whether or not we’re following the selling steps as mentioned above.

But most importantly, under the laid-back atmosphere you might enter into, potentially lies a competitive relationship between staff. Some people will ‘steal’ customers off someone else – sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose, and sometimes by the latter purported as the former.

Whose customer is who’s is based on who said ‘hi’ first, or who put an item of clothing in the change room first, or who assisted a customer already in the change room when the first staff member has walked off. So yes, things can get very messy – especially for disorganised companies with no set procedure.

Our being clingy let’s everyone else know that you’re ours. So when we ask you to wait for the other person to come back we don’t mean to be snobby or lazy; we’re just being considerate of our fellow work mate. It’s when we take over that you should be worried.
Lesson 4: A little short-term commitment can’t hurt.

So with the Christmas period nearing it’s ugly head, please, help us help you :)

Love, Noeline
xox

Feliz cumpleaños, 生日快樂, Hyvää syntymäpäivää, среќен роденден, Happy Birthday

Yesterday I turned 20. How does it feel? About 15. I still can't drive. My mum still makes my lunch. I sill can't cook anything but toast and two minute noodles. I still live at home.

But I have stopped counting down the days, the presents, the money, the people. Does that make me mature minded or just a killjoy? Have I lost that intrinsic human element that makes people want, or need to make a shindig every 365th day of their lives?

Greg Merrick wouldn't say so. I've merely risen above a capitalist scam that maintains the hegemonic structure of society.

...the traditions associated with... birthdays, especially the obligatory purchasing of gifts, feeds the greedy jaws of capitalism by promoting the malignant scourge of wasteful consumerism, and therefore contributes to the acceleration of our own demise. How’s that for irony?

In defence, Samantha Price states:

I don't see the problem with giving people birthday presents. In fact, its almost as fun as getting your own!... birthday parties provide a positive function because people might feel blue over getting older, and parties make them feel better.

Good or bad, how have we come to comply with such an unquestioned tradition? The Coolest Kid Birthday Parties website reveals that

Birthday celebrations began as a form of protection. It was a common belief that evil spirits were more dangerous to a person when he or she experienced a change in their daily life, such as turning a year older. To protect them from harm, friends and family would gather around the birthday person and bring good cheers, thoughts and wishes. Giving gifts brought even more good cheer to ward off the evil spirits. Noisemakers are thought to be used at parties as a way of scaring away the evil spirits.

In some cultures rites of passage into adulthood are marked by a certain number of birthdhays. In Africa children "leave their parents' homes, paint their bodies white and are taught how to become young warriors" (Birthday Celebrations). Jewish boys have a bar mitzvah, Jewish girls have a bat mitzvah, Indian girls have a thread ceremony, and Filipino girls have a debut (Wikipedia) In Argentina, Brazil, Ecuador, Mexico and Uruguay - girls dance the waltz with their father and/or potential suitors. Doing so in high heels worn for the first time represents the transition from a girl into a woman (Bubble Gum Parties).

But sometimes the line between a rite of passage and an extravagant display of wealth and love become blurred. Check out this brat.



Love, Noeline
xox

Enigma

“For every one of those kids you see at rock concerts holding up the sign of the horns and not knowing anything about it, there are maybe five more kids who have read The Satanic Bible [and] know what Satanism is”
(Barton 1992, p. 201).

A couple of weeks ago I entered a humble Melbourne bookstore and came out with a biography of Anton LaVey: founder of the Church of Satan. There's something about the minds of freethinkers that intrigue me.

It’s funny how we think we know all there is about Satanism. I guess now would be a good time to clarify that they don’t literally worship a red skinned man with a tail, hoofs and horns who can’t let go of a pitchfork. Rather, Satanism is a metaphor for the “rational self-interest, avoidance of oppressive mentalities, the questioning of all, and a perseverance towards success and human potential” (Paradise cited in Crabtree 2000) embodied in an image of a devil-like figure.

“The Church Of Satan could have been called The Church of Set (Egyptian), The Church Of Shaitan (Islamic), etc, but the most famous adjective to describe our Church is Satan. The accuser, the rebel. Given that the COS is a Western phenomenon, it is only right to adopt a figurehead of what is in the Western World the most famous symbol of anti-deity sentiment”
(Crabtree 2000).

However, you need only type it into Google and you’re flooded with articles about a secret society whose practices range from child abuse and sexual orgies - to murder. But to the disappointment of our imagination, it’s founder Anton LaVey was born into America’s ideal nuclear family, grew up in a middle class home and went to a normal school. He worked with animals and was an avid musician. He had girlfriends, he had a wife, and he had children. He then spent some time working in the police force as a crime scene photographer.

“There were enough bloody scenes to make Anton’s mind seethe: children spattered on the sidewalk by hit and run drivers, young women brutally slain by jealous husbands… men shot by their brothers or best friends, [and] little girls raped... How was he to believe that there was… God… watching over all these people?” (Barton 1992, p. 59).

LaVey established The Church of Satan on the basis that people should be made accountable to each other – rather than waiting for “some supreme deity to dole out justice” (Barton 1992, p. 59). In a courtroom, what is justice but revenge in a fancy suit?

He also critiqued the rate in which Americans (and indirectly, western society) were swallowing the rhetoric of consumerism:

“Identities are sold at a premium, a precious commodity. The common man is sold individuality with every beer ad or shoe commercial… In previous centuries, the Church was the great controller, dictating morality, stifling free expression and posing as great conservator of all [things] great. Instead we have TV dictating fashions, thoughts, attitudes [and] objectives…” (LaVey cited in Barton 1992, p. 131-132).

Hence LaVey founded The Church of Satan to liberate people “from a contagion of mindlessness that destroys innovation” (LaVey 1992, p. 122). Does anyone else see a how this resonates with traditional liberalist philosophy?

For me the scariest thing about reading Lavey’s biography was being able to admit that on some points, maybe he was right. I am not, however, advocating Satanism. Nor am I not proclaiming that I am one. There are numerous aspects about Satanism that I don’t agree with – such as it’s Darwinist approach to social engineering, its belief in the supernatural, it’s aims to eradicate all other existing religions, or it’s seemingly short fuse to justify vengeful acts (see The Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth).

I merely wish to present a side of Satanism and it’s founder that I don’t think penetrates mainstream society apart from what we see on MTV or Guitar Hero.

Love, Noeline
xox

Other Sources:
Barton, B. 1992, The Secret Life of a Satanist: the authorized biography of Anton LaVey, Feral House, New York.

LaVey, A. 1992, The Devil’s Notebook, Durango, Mexico.

Subjectivity

M: What's a good pick up line? Do they work on you?
N: Not really. If anything I find them amusing and just laugh.
Although, I think they'd work on girls with low self esteem.
M: What do you mean?
N: Well, why else would a girl believe anything some random said to her unless she needed reassurance?
M: Either that, or the guy just has really low standards.