"They're going out now, didn't you know that?"
I should have been happy at the news that two of my friends had started dating. But thing was, the guy was my ex. It wasn't that I was still hung up on him. In fact, he was all hers for the taking.
What got to me was that I had to find out through the grape vine. She and I hung out a lot and spoke almost everyday. I considered her a good friend. So how did something like THAT fail to come up in conversation?
Was she ashamed? Was she scared that I would be angry? Or maybe because my relationship with him was nothing serious and I was already seeing someone new, she assumed I would be okay with it.
But what if, despite all that, I wasn't over him? It's funny how hypothetical situations can prove how much you mean to someone.
I couldn't talk to her about certain things for a while after that. In any other situation, questions natural to girltalk like whether or not he was a good kisser were, well, out of the question.
And to think I was suffering. What more for people whose good friends start dating someone they were actually serious with? Actually in love with? Actually engaged with? Actually married with? Actually had kids with?
So when it comes to dating people your friends have been with, is it a no-go zone or free for all?
Here's some of the responses I received on Facebook:
- With BILLIONS of people in the world today, why would you restrict yourself to your friend's crumbs?
- No-go zone. "Don't shit where you eat."
- No-go zone: Who wants someone else's dirty seconds, especially someone you're close to?
- If things progress later on, I don't want to be at that altar knowing the guy standing next to me, or sitting in the church has banged my wife.
- There are millions of men and women in Australia, and the world - I'm sure people can find one their friend hasn't slept with.
- You just don't date your friend's ex. It's a respect issue.
- I don't think it's entirely a no-go zone! It would have to depend on circumstances, like how serious your friend was with them. For example, if it was a small fling and they both don't mind, then why not?
The last point reminded me of when I was on a Greek islands tour, and met two girls who were travelling together. Upon being asked how they knew each other one of them explained, "I'm going out with her ex. So actually, we met through him!" It's a question that tends to get asked a lot when meeting groups of people within groups of people, and they laughed every single time – less at the situation and more at everyone else's reaction to their reply.
"I was so nervous about telling her. I was scared she was going to hate me."
"No, I was fine with it. I could never hate her. It had been a while since I was with him, and I'm happy for her because I see now that he's grown up a lot."
But not everyone is as happy nor graceful about friends dating old flames, regardless of whether that flame lasted a night or years. Like one person mentioned above, it's a respect issue. But can there be such thing as being too possessive? Can you call dibbs on people you had a crush on? People you kissed once? On fuck buddies? And exactly what level of friendship do you need before a certain level of decency (i.e. talking) can be expected? When even talking doesn't guarantee that things will stay the same, it all depends on how much you're willing to sacrifice in the potential consequence of losing their friendship.
“I assured her that this was something that just sort of happened... I was surprised at how well she took the news... After a few weeks, I started hearing from her less... We still remain friends but aren’t nearly as close as we used to be. But that’s the price I paid for getting involved with her ex. I bet most times it doesn’t work out quite as well as it did for me. Honestly, I don’t know if I would be happy if I was on the other side of things myself. My advice to anyone considering dating a friend’s ex is to carefully think about it and what the outcome and consequences might be.”
- Anonymous, Dating Trek.
After all, you should never assume how much or how little someone meant (or still means) to someone else. For example, your friend might only have kissed the guy you want to pursue – but for all you know she could have secretly been in love with him for a long time before that. Despite news that they have started dating other people, talking gives them the opportunity to admit to feelings they might still harbour.
If you're lucky enough to get your friend's blessing, what then? Veronica, author of 'Can You Date Your Friend's Ex?' cautions against making comparisons. Whereas previously you would have enjoyed dissecting one another's failed relationships, doing so now would imply shortcomings on their part. It's like saying "Your ex likes me better because I'm funnier than you." According to AskMen.com, “90% of the guys out there don’t want to hear about their exes being with anybody they know -- friend or otherwise.”
Another complication is that sometimes people pursue other people purely to make an ex jealous. Be weary of other people's intentions, and honest with your own.
Finally, what if things don't work out and you too become an ex? Not only have you lost a partner, but also the friend you'd normally turn to.
Opinions?
Love, Noeline
xox
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