Key terms for effective perving

Girls are each other's worst enemy. When it comes to the looks department we're more critical of each other than men are about us.

When hanging out with my guy friends and scoping out potential prey - they are oblivious to cellulite, dry hair and ugly nails - among numerous other things. Is it any wonder then, that they don't realise when we get haircuts? And then when it finally comes to a girl we agree on - they say she's hot when she's just cute.

So in a bid to end this feud once and for all, here's what we mean when we say that a girl is:

Cute: In hope of a better metaphor, she looks like a teddy bear. Innocent and infantile. Kinda like your best friend's little sister. She makes you want to pinch her cheeks... and that's about it.

Hot: Oozing in sexual appeal. While you're jizzing your pants, she warps our sexual orientation and we're lesbian for the time our eyes are laid on her.

Pretty: An elusive category. Like Audrey Hepburn, think timeless beauty. They have a classic look about themselves.

Beautiful: We like to save this word for people we actually know. And sometimes it has nothing to do with looks. It means they have big hearts and amazing personalities.

Ganga: They wear clothes two sizes too small, whilst following Jordan's (Katie Price) fashion sense. We know some of you would still 'tap that' regardless.

Average: Her features might fit into place, but there's nothing striking about her. We wouldn't give her a second glance.

Happy browsing, boys!

Love, Noeline
xox

The Englishes

What is an accent? According to Wikipedia, “an accent is a manner of pronunciation of a language.” But why do we find accents foreign to our own so tantalisingly attractive?

A couple of weeks ago I forwarded this question. Here’s some of the responses:

- French and Dutch accents because of the way their words just roll off their tongue.
- Accents make the world of difference. I like Scottish and American. It makes them sound more interesting and kind of makes you think of celebrities that have those accents.
- I suppose Italian, French, maybe even South African. I like to think I’m an individual; I like to stand out. So being with someone who has an accent almost feels like the match is a turn on.
- I like the pommy accent, because it’s just hot. But I like any accents I guess, it’s good to hear something different if you get what I mean.
- I blush at the sound of a distinctly European accent: Swedish, Scandinavian (Danish, Icelandic, Norwegian, etc), Balkan, Slavic and French.
- English, just because it reminds me of Jude Law. Accents are attractive because it's something different to what you're used to
- I’m attracted to someone with a hot Latino accent. There's something so fascinating about foreign things because they are always so unpredictable, and its what keeps excitement going :)

Personally, show me a man with a British accent and I turn to butter. In fact, an ad for Axe deodorant (otherwise known as Lynx) submits itself as the cure against girls just like me.



However, what’s considered hot or not in the realm of accents is left to contention, perhaps owing to the stereotypes attached to them. An article by the UK Telegraph writes that

“People with Brummie accents are perceived as the least intelligent in the country because of an assumption that they are likely to be criminals... Psychologists also claimed that a Yorkshire accent has overtaken the Queen's English as the pronunciation most strongly associated with wisdom and intellect.”

So what then is strongly associated with the Indian accent? Check out the following clip by comedian Russel Peters.



But regardless of what your accent conjures up, it seems that all you need is a Bud Light beer.




Love, Noeline
xox

Highly Recommended

"Anything could be true. The law of gravity was nonsense... 'If he thinks he floats off the floor, and if I simultaneously think I see him do it, then the thing happens... It doesn't really happen. We imagine it. It is hallucination.' He pushed the thought under instantly. The fallacy was obvious. It pre-supposed that somewhere or other, outside oneself, there was a 'real' world where 'real' things happened. But how could there be such a world? What knowledge have we of anything, save through our own minds? All happenings are in the mind. Whatever happens in all minds, truly happens."

Love, Noeline
xox

The Social Detox Diet

A couple of weeks ago I decided to call it quits with my old mobile phone provider – and with it came the sacrifice of those catchy digits I grew to love.

So why the change? Well, conditions for free chat time was constantly changing. Each amendment left me more and more short-changed than the last.

Then came the time for what is probably the third most grand announcement one will ever make in their lifetime “I HAVE A NEW NUMBER!” (after “I’M GETTING MARRIED!” AND “I’M HAVING A BABY!”).

But I decided not to. I realised that, just like the mobile phone provider, the people in that sim card stopped being beneficial to me. It’s not that I only associate with people whom I can use, it’s just that we stopped bringing out the best in each other. It’s not that I doubt my friendship with them was once great and wonderful, but that we’ve both changed.

According to Lifehack

“sometimes in life, it is necessary to let go of people that no longer serve as a support, but instead lead to stress and to problematic situations commonly referred to as “drama”. It is a hard truth to accept that not all the people that come into our lives are meant to stay.”

Though I’m not recommending that everyone should change their mobile numbers, there’s a host of other (braver) ways of breaking up with friends.

First, make a list containing why you think you shouldn’t be friends with this person anymore. According to wikiHow, common reasons include:

- [Taking] advantage of your good nature: is possessive, bullies, manipulates or makes you feel guilty
- One friend gets into habits that you don't agree with
- Your friend is only concerned with him/her self, and never pauses to think about anyone else
- S/he leans on you, but can't take the time to help you with your problems
- Your 'friend' says belittling/insulting things to or about you

Writing things down clears the head and can either (1) make you realise you’re overreacting, or (2) it might confirm your decision to break up with that person. If the latter prevails - spend less time with them. “Cut your conversations a little shorter, or mak[e] yourself less available to hang out… [and] don't agree to plans” (wikiHow).

Then comes the hard part, the part that most of us try to avoid: talk to them about it. However, “sending a letter or an e-mail might spare your friend some embarrassment, and save you the face-to-face awkwardness [but] it can also make you look… wimpy and weak” (wikiHow). It clears misconceptions on both sides about what went wrong, instead of gossiping to and involving mutual friends.

So what if you’re on the receiving end of the break-up? According to Dinorah Blackman, “Take the time to seriously and honestly evaluate your attitude. Maybe you need to work on some unattractive aspect of your personality or maybe you just have the bad habit of surrounding yourself with people that do not really appreciate you.”

What do you think? Share your thoughts and experiences by commenting – and remember that you can do so anonymously!

Love, Noeline
xox

Nothing we can do can change the past, but everything we do changes the future. - Ashleigh Brilliant

Today I was unsuspectingly rolling spring rolls when my mum told me that growing up, she used the same paste (a concoction of corn flour and water) for conventional purposes. And there I was assuming that Adam and Eve stuck leaves on their privates with a Bostik Glu Stik. Nonetheless, it inspired the search for vintage ads and marvel at how far we've come.


I don't even know how to comprehend this... a NASA space control thing? Check out the joy stick!


Tell your Telex operator it's a type writer.


The computer looks more like a microwave, or television. And look at the floppy disk drives!


My house phone is smaller than this.


Coke: giving back the kilojoules you just burnt.



The solution to a sexually liberated girlfriend.


I didn't get this ad until I noticed that the razor blade was an actual blade blade.


After Maybelline came Adobe Photoshop.


And I thought the Ab-King Pro was ridiculous!


Just when you thought scrunchees were social suicide.


You wish.

By the time we have kids, what's the bet they'll be scoring iPods in their happy meals? And while they've got some weird music cranking in their headphones that we can't even begin to conceive of - we'll be pressing them with our sufferings of what it was like back in our day.

Fuel for talk.

gossip [gos-uhp] noun.
1. idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others

And it seems that there's a little bit of Gossip Girl in all of us. According to Gerstein

Bonding with another individual feels pleasurable, even when it is done at the expense of a third party. It is assumed that those who unite in their criticism of a third party are superior to the berated person. "We think that what she did is outrageous. We would never do anything like this to anyone". The false illusion of superiority temporarily elevates the level of self-esteem of the "gossippers"... a way to avoid dealing with their own problems by concentrating on how poorly others solve theirs.

But be careful what you criticise about other people; because your audience might be going through and/or feeling the exact same thing.

Don't be surprised if they'd rather confide in your enemy than you.

Love, Noeline
xox

He said, she said.

“Four corners doesn’t say that what took place in room 21 of the Racecourse Hotel was sexual assault. But a woman involved in degrading group sex can still be traumatised whether she consents or not” – 37:09, 4 Corners

… And your point is?

Is it the fault of Matthew Johns and the other players that it took this woman five bloody days before deciding to take it back?

Heck, if I consent to sky diving and decided that it was traumatising by the time I hit the ground, would it be right for me to hold the company, the pilot and the other people sky diving accountable because all they did was participate and/or watch on?

Did bragging to her co-workers not attract enough attention?

I might pity her for doing something she eventually regretted, but I don’t pity her for blaming and ruining the lives of other people for it.


When society and the media would rather go crazy over consented group sex than the fact that participant Matthew Johns did so without the consent of his wife – there is definitely something going on there.

Going up?

A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend and I got into a heated argument about whether the toilet seat should be left up or down. And as you could have guessed, I vied for it to be down, whereas he insisted it should be left up.

I SAY...
- Unless we're using a public toilet at seven eleven, girls don't make a mental note to make sure that the toilet seat is down - we just expect it to be.

- Think it sounds stupid? How many female readers have fallen victim to being greeted by a cold slab of cement where the sun don't shine? Or worse, the combo of realising that you're also sitting on left overs that didn't quite make the bowl? Or even more worse, falling right in?

- Boys are the only ones who use it up anyway, so they should put it back down while they're there.

- We've been brought up to think that leaving the toilet seat up is rude to do to others, and rude to have done to you. Just wait till we tell your mum.

- It looks nicer. As Paul Aitken points out, "No bathroom featured in a home magazine is ever shown with the lid [let alone seat] up."

Reasons such as mine have led one man to start a forum - concluding that women should put up with the habits of men and "hover" from now on. Writing under the name the name moJoe, he deduces that...

1. Women enter the bathroom with their eyes closed or while staring at the ceiling.
2. Women open the bathroom door and then proceed to back into the bathroom using their rear-end to locate the toilet.
3. Women only do bathroom business after daylight hours and are incapable of and/or unwilling to operate a light switch.
4. All women are very cleverly hiding the fact that they are born blind.
5. Toilets/toilet seats are diabolically engineered to be completely invisible to women.

Coming from a woman, we are not blind, nor are toilets invisible. Growing up, it was an ultimate truth that the toilet seat stays down. (Save for those few traumatic experiences that only reinforced the male members of our family to put it back down). So we never developed any habitual tendencies that would cause us to look down every single bloody time we went to do our business.

HE SAYS...
- For starters, as if you'd fall in. That's one of the most stupid things I've ever heard.

- It's sexist and discriminatory labour that men should be the one to put the toilet seat back down after we've used it.

- Women are lazy for not checking whether or not it's up.

- Women are just too lazy to put it back down.

Take a lesson from your comrade who states that

"Foreplay begins with putting the toilet seat down without being asked!" - Larry James

So if you're male, and plan to pee all over the toilet seat to reap revenge on your significant other (like some men in this forum have), just don't expect to get any.

Love, Noeline
xox

My favourite ad of all time

Chequebook

The following is an appropriated exceprt from an essay I did last year. I’m not an academic (yet) but it was marked by one or a few, and I got a Distinction if that helps my credibility. Thought I’d share it with you all while Facebook is still timely and hasn’t been usurped by Twitter yet.

“Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life” (Facebook 2008), and then some. You may or may not have noticed the banner ads on the right hand side of your home page. But just how much you’ve been sucked into them might give us an indication of how well Facebook fulfils its purpose as a White Pages for third party businesses – a database of “sixty million active members” (Krivac 2008, p. 41).

From an economic perspective, the pitfalls of broadcast advertising, which saw the wasted energy of companies “pushing their message to consumers who would never buy their product” is alleviated by “niche communities [who] put the consumer at the beginning” (Digital Branding 2008). This is a major theme captured by Hirst and Harrison (2007) who argue that

the commercialisation of the internet in the past fifteen years has also led to a greater corporate reliance in personal data to refine advertising and marketing techniques at the heart of narrowcasting (p. 286).

Facebook achieves this “by collating ever more detailed subscriber profiles… to categorise users, charging premiums for the sale of these groups to advertisers seeking highly specific niche markets” (Murray 2005, p. 424 cited in Hirst and Harrison 2007, p. 69).

Facebook's Beacon records the “clickstream” (Hirst 2007, p. 285), or browsing patterns of its members through the use of cookies: “a small, unobtrusive piece of software… used to track preferences when visiting that website… [to construct] a profile of the computer user” (Hirst and Harrison 2007, p. 284). Facebook would then advertise similar searches on the ‘News Feed’ of the individual and their network of friends.

On the receiving end, members claim that their personal details were exploited for capitalist gain. For example, Chris Nash reveals that Facebook makes money by “extract[ing] information from people’s private to private communications” (2008, 3:30min)* and sell it to advertisers, as well as businesses for the purpose of screening potential employees. Yet, “the supporters of free-market data-mining argue that they are only trying to satisfy consumer demand” (Hirst and Harrison 2007, p. 326).

With legal policies slow to catch up, the government “must be careful that it does not appear to be too hastily doing the bidding of the major commercial players” (Hirst and Harrison 2007, p. 279). But when “personal data become the lawful property of Internet firms, and of their clients” (Castells 2001, p. 174) to ”monopol[ise] control over the information… so that it can tax advertisers wishing to reach these individuals at the highest possible rate” (New Era of Advertising Hinges on the Free Flow of Information 2007) - an ethico-legal paradox becomes apparent.

From personal experience, when I started posting status updates about the large amount of food I ate that day, I was bombarded with weight loss ads such as the ones below.




While posting comments to my friend about the PCD concert, I was quick to receive this.


Oh, and they also know that I love to write.




Don’t believe me? Let me introduce you to my best friend Jeremy. He’s Asian and he likes basketball. Keen to move out of home, he recently searched real estate online. “Bingo!” shouted Facebook.




As can be seen, socialisation within a virtual landscape brings with it issues of ownership, control, ethics, privacy; and the disclosure of consumer buying habits, preferences and personal details. But is the invasion of our privacy a fair price to pay for keeping up with our friends?

I wonder what ad I’ll get next. Anti-spyware software, perhaps? How close do your Facebook ads hit home? Tell us by clicking on the ‘comment’ link below.


SOURCES

2007, ‘New Era of Advertising Hinges on the Free Flow of Information’, Marketing Week, 15 November, p. 22.

2008, Digital Branding: Close friends, New Media Age, London.

Castells, M. 2002, The Internet Galaxy: Reflections on the Internet, Business and Society, Oxford, New York.

Hirst, M. and Harrison, J. 2007, Communication and New Media: From Broadcast to Narrowcast, Oxford, Victoria.

Price, J. 2008, Facebook: Making Friends or Making Sales?, Facebook Podcast Part 1: Jenna talks to Chris Nash, Communication and Information Environments, University of Technology, Sydney.

Krivac, T. 2008, ‘Facebook 101: Ten Things You Need to Know About Facebook’, Information Today, Vol. 25 Issue 3, pp. 1-44.