Why introverts don't talk (much)

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply - Stephen R. Covey 

It's common consensus to wait your turn. So in group conversations we introverts will wait. And wait. And wait: for that split second of silence for our opportunity - but there's often someone who comes in louder, albeit later, and "win."

Sometimes, if we're lucky, we'll have demanded enough attention to contribute to the conversation with a story of our own. Three sentences in, someone professes they know exactly how we feel; except that the version offered by their life experience is more interesting. They don't say it of course, it's just very brutally implied. Because they never let you finish. They're just that into their own spiel.

In fact, most loudmouths are so naive they wouldn't remember, let alone admit to interrupting us in the first place. They call it "connecting," "communicating" or "being social.

Except that their story wasn't even close to the point we were getting at. But it doesn't matter, because in the time it would have taken us to roll our eyes (key phrase: "would have" - because we don't want to be rude about you being rude) - the topic has been duly changed; and backtracking would reveal that we've been sitting on it the whole time, rather than paying attention to all the stories that have since been "kindly" shared.

"Successfully" participating in a conversation is a struggle most people probably don't know exist. It's as much an art as it is a fucking battlefield. If you've never felt it, you're probably the dominating person.

If you can admit or even suspect that you are, I challenge you to hold back slightly during the next social situation you find yourself in, and observe how the dynamic changes. Observe if you suddenly learn something new about someone in your group, and wonder why you never knew it earlier. Observe how many silences there are without you filling them in all the time. Observe how many topics are covered within a certain amount of time, without you changing it at very turn.

Think: how much do I know about these people, and how much do I impose on them about me?

You don't have to be rude about it, in the same way introverts like myself are often mistaken to be. But it wouldn't hurt to throw a question out into the open every now and then. Observe if they're taken aback by it.

Think: how much of your talking is a conversation, and how much is it a speech?

If you have an introvert or two in your group, you can't just put us on the spot. Good luck with that. We don't have as much experience telling stories, so apologies if it takes us a while to find our groove. Whereas your punch lines have practically been rehearsed from all the countless times you've told it, we're only now getting used to stringing sentences out loud.

But don't get us wrong, while you were talking, we learnt how to be really good listeners. Not just of words (forgive us for not being able to repeat back the story about your sister's dog's trip to the vet that turned out to be closed), but of body language. Watching the dynamics within groups is admittedly a hobby for us. We've learned to embrace being wallflowers, the view from here is great for people watching.

We question those of you who come across a little too happy, a little too all the time. We notice the faraway look in someone's eye when a topic close to their heart is casually bedraggled by the group. But we won't say anything. Your secret is safe with us. We make bets in our head as to how long new friendships will last between people who have just met. We have a pretty good hunch spotting the table of friends and the table of frenemies. The table of a happy family, and the table of a family trying to keep it together. We can spot the girl dancing like no one's watching, and the girl who hopes everyone is.

But we're also aware of how people see us. Women will most definitely be called a bitch or a snob, while the men who don't talk might be called shy (if he's lucky) or mysterious (even luckier). You should get to know us sometime.

Introverts have different outlets - and for me it's this blog. It's one of the few places I can fully express a thought or idea of mine without being interrupted or spoken over. I don't have to wait for someone to let me write. And the people who happen to come here, are the people who care enough to listen read it.

So thank you.

Love, Noeline
xox

Socialising and travelling for introverts

Despite having been on my bucket list for a long, long time - any actual preparation towards making my South America trip happen has all been last minute.

In a similar vein to expecting parents who delay their special announcement until the end of the first trimester - I, too held back on saying anything until all my visa applications were approved, and my passport safely back in my hands.

You know you have trust issues when you expect your passport to get lost in the mail. (Which is also why I can't shop online because the anxiety kills me. How the rest of my generation manages to deal with it, I have no idea).

However, what I've found to be the hardest part in this whole process was playing catch-ups and saying 'see you later' to people, in the few weeks I had remaining.

This took (and is still taking) place over a series of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, drinks and desserts - sometimes within the same day, usually over consecutive days, over the past few weeks. Mind you, this was on top of still working full-time, commuting late nights from the city to my home in the suburbs, only to wake up at 5am the next morning to go to the gym and do it all over again.

I was am drained.

Last week, my boyfriend and I were in his car, which was the closest thing to any alone time I'd had in weeks. Overwhelmed by this moment of reprieve, I burst into tears, seemingly out of nowhere. He asked me what was wrong.

"I'm just peopled out."

It's easy to palm this off as a superficial first world problem. Write a blog about it, and it could be misconstrued as boastful attention-seeking in the hope that someone will console that I just have too many friends and not enough time to see them all.

Some of you (congratulations for reading this far) are probably thinking that I could have got it all over and done with by having one big farewell party.

However, the burden of being an introvert is that this "solution" feels like an easy way out. Sure, you get to see everyone, but how many people do you actually get to have a deep, uninterrupted conversation with, without feeling like you're neglecting someone else?

It's not that introverts are anti-social. We just prefer more intimate settings where we can fully dedicate our attention to one or a few at a time, with ample time between each.

I've spent the last week in Newcastle (about two hours drive from Sydney) with my boyfriend - and it has had the effect of a much needed retreat! We had dinner and drinks with friends on two nights, then I spent the rest of it lazing on either the bed, couch or beach reading my Kindle.

Now I'm now back in Sydney to spend my final four days with family, and am having dinner with one other dear friend tomorrow.

In the interests of time, the only thing I'd have done differently would be to finalise my trip earlier, so I'd have more time between catch-ups, as opposed to the whirlwind farewell tour I've subjected myself to.

Moving forward, if my mental and emotional exhaustion has reminded me anything, it's that one should honour thy introversion.

IF YOU'RE AN INTROVERT GOING ON A TOUR GROUP

1. Balance time with people, with time spent alone

Don't feel obligated to participate in every single group activity or outing. Some people are only on the tour for a short period; they can afford to go "hard out" because they probably plan to rest when they get home. If you're on a tour for an extended period, you'll need to space yourself out wisely. In the end, the group will be better for it, because you'll be refreshed and pleasant the next day, rather than short-tempered and cranky (well, that's how I get anyway!)

2. Don't be scared to separate from the group

You will get free time from structured tour activities. If you're enjoying yourself and having a great time, by all means stick with the group. But don't feel bad about separating yourself if while sight-seeing or looking for something to eat, you find that their pace or preferences don't match with yours. This will stop you from feeling like a burden, or being resentful towards them. You may even come across one or a few kindred spirits who feel the same way!

3. Be honest

Extroverts may misinterpret your actions as showing malice or rejection of the group, of being distant, difficult or selfish. The best thing you can do is be honest. If you want to separate because you want to go at a slower pace, say so. If it's because can't afford an activity, say so. If it's because you wanted to see a different tourist attraction, say so. If it's because you want to try a different restaurant, say so. If people are more than welcome to join you, say so - but make it clear that you're not asking people to "take sides." Sometimes you'll want to separate from the group because everyone else is tired, and you're the one who wants to go out!

4. Don't be a people pleaser

Ultimately, remember that you've paid to be here. Don't be a people pleaser doing what others want to do. Often, the hardest part can be convincing yourself (not others) that you deserve to enjoy your holiday, too.

IF YOU'RE AN INTROVERT

• Avoid feeling guilty about needing time alone to reflect and recharge. This will allow you to give the next day your full energy, and/or the next person your full attention.
• Explain that you need some time out to yourself. Real friends will understand and respect this.
• If you find yourself needing to constantly defend yourself, or that only "solid" excuses will do, it may be time to rethink your relationships.

IF YOU HAVE AN INTROVERTED FRIEND, FAMILY MEMBER OR PARTNER

• Respect their space and don't take it personally when they want to be alone.
• Don't assume that just because they have "free time," that this makes them obligated to go with whatever plans you suggest filling it with.
• Don't make them feel bad or guilty for preferring to stay home, particularly on a Friday or Saturday night when society dictates they should be out partying. 

For further reading, I highly, highly, highly, highly recommend "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. Here are a few of my favourite quotes:

We live with a value system that I call the Extrovert Ideal - the omnipresent belief that the ideal self is gregarious, alpha, and comfortable in the spotlight… We like to think we value individuality, but all too often we admire one type of individual - the kind who's comfortable enough "putting himself out there." Sure, we allow technologically gifted loners who launch companies in garages to have any personality they please, but they are the exceptions, not the rule, and our tolerance extends mainly to those who get fabulously wealthy or hold the promise of doing so.

... people who value intimacy highly don't tend to be, as the noted psychologist David Buss puts it, "the loud, outgoing, life-of-the-party extrovert." They are more likely to be someone with a select group of friends, who prefers "sincere and meaningful conversations over wild parties." 

It can be hard for extroverts to understand how badly introverts need to recharge at the end of a busy day. We all empathise with a sleep-deprived mate who comes home from work too tired to talk, but it's harder to grasp that social overstimulation can be just as exhausting.

I remember how liberating it was for me to come to terms with my introversion, rather than being apologetic for it. I used to fight against it thinking it was something I would eventually grow out of. That done often enough, I could train myself to enjoy going out to music festivals and nightclubs, as if meeting new people I'd never see again was somehow a sign of higher-order social skills. My introversion felt like a degenerate trait, like there was something inherently "wrong" with me.

Personally accepting my introversion has granted me a certain inner-peace that I hope more and more introverts can share in, and that fellow extroverts can appreciate.

Love, Noeline

xox