Why introverts don't talk (much)

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply - Stephen R. Covey 

It's common consensus to wait your turn. So in group conversations we introverts will wait. And wait. And wait: for that split second of silence for our opportunity - but there's often someone who comes in louder, albeit later, and "win."

Sometimes, if we're lucky, we'll have demanded enough attention to contribute to the conversation with a story of our own. Three sentences in, someone professes they know exactly how we feel; except that the version offered by their life experience is more interesting. They don't say it of course, it's just very brutally implied. Because they never let you finish. They're just that into their own spiel.

In fact, most loudmouths are so naive they wouldn't remember, let alone admit to interrupting us in the first place. They call it "connecting," "communicating" or "being social.

Except that their story wasn't even close to the point we were getting at. But it doesn't matter, because in the time it would have taken us to roll our eyes (key phrase: "would have" - because we don't want to be rude about you being rude) - the topic has been duly changed; and backtracking would reveal that we've been sitting on it the whole time, rather than paying attention to all the stories that have since been "kindly" shared.

"Successfully" participating in a conversation is a struggle most people probably don't know exist. It's as much an art as it is a fucking battlefield. If you've never felt it, you're probably the dominating person.

If you can admit or even suspect that you are, I challenge you to hold back slightly during the next social situation you find yourself in, and observe how the dynamic changes. Observe if you suddenly learn something new about someone in your group, and wonder why you never knew it earlier. Observe how many silences there are without you filling them in all the time. Observe how many topics are covered within a certain amount of time, without you changing it at very turn.

Think: how much do I know about these people, and how much do I impose on them about me?

You don't have to be rude about it, in the same way introverts like myself are often mistaken to be. But it wouldn't hurt to throw a question out into the open every now and then. Observe if they're taken aback by it.

Think: how much of your talking is a conversation, and how much is it a speech?

If you have an introvert or two in your group, you can't just put us on the spot. Good luck with that. We don't have as much experience telling stories, so apologies if it takes us a while to find our groove. Whereas your punch lines have practically been rehearsed from all the countless times you've told it, we're only now getting used to stringing sentences out loud.

But don't get us wrong, while you were talking, we learnt how to be really good listeners. Not just of words (forgive us for not being able to repeat back the story about your sister's dog's trip to the vet that turned out to be closed), but of body language. Watching the dynamics within groups is admittedly a hobby for us. We've learned to embrace being wallflowers, the view from here is great for people watching.

We question those of you who come across a little too happy, a little too all the time. We notice the faraway look in someone's eye when a topic close to their heart is casually bedraggled by the group. But we won't say anything. Your secret is safe with us. We make bets in our head as to how long new friendships will last between people who have just met. We have a pretty good hunch spotting the table of friends and the table of frenemies. The table of a happy family, and the table of a family trying to keep it together. We can spot the girl dancing like no one's watching, and the girl who hopes everyone is.

But we're also aware of how people see us. Women will most definitely be called a bitch or a snob, while the men who don't talk might be called shy (if he's lucky) or mysterious (even luckier). You should get to know us sometime.

Introverts have different outlets - and for me it's this blog. It's one of the few places I can fully express a thought or idea of mine without being interrupted or spoken over. I don't have to wait for someone to let me write. And the people who happen to come here, are the people who care enough to listen read it.

So thank you.

Love, Noeline
xox