From one milestone to another

 

This arrived in the mail today. So it's official. I'm part of the Golden Key International Honour Society for being in the top 15% of my university cohort.

As thrilled as I should be, I'm petrified. By mid November I'll have graduated.

But I'm already feeling the pressure of having to make something of myself. After all, what good are a bunch of scholarships and awards if I can't make it in the 'real world'?

For the first time in a long time, I don't know where I'll be this time next year and quite frankly, it's scaring me.

When people asked what I do for work, I grew accustomed to the comfort of being able to tell people I hadn't finished my studies yet. In other words "back off, I'm not a failure (yet)" - while at the same time telling myself I'll worry about finding a job when the time comes for it.

So here I am, no more emotionally prepared than I was at the start of my double degree.

I always knew I was getting myself into a competitive industry - but I didn't expect it to be so heartless either. I guess I'm all the more disheartened due to some drama that happened a few weeks back. I got a job at an agency I highly respected and admired, only to have it taken away from me in the most deceitful, unprofessional way.

To make things worse, I had given up my internship at another, smaller agency for this very position. An agency who were offering me a full-time job after university were I to stay on with them.

I was flung back to square one.

I was distraught. For the first time in my life, I experienced symptoms of heartbreak women usually go through because of men. I cried until it hurt to keep my eyes open, and I'd surrender myself to a deep sleep. I lost my appetite and fell into a sob whenever someone asked me how I was doing.

Those few days I spent hating life, the world went on without me. And that's the thing. The world doesn't slow down to comfort anybody. So with a bruised ego I got up and asked myself, what can I take away from this in order for me to move on?

No contracts were signed so there's no point pushing a case of 'he-said-she-said'. Next time, I will
sign a contract before quitting my current job. It was a hard lesson. But at least I learnt it young. At least I wasn't older, with bills and a mortgage at stake, nor a family to support.

Lesson two: it hurt because it mattered to me. Because I wanted it. People go through mid-life crises asking themselves if they chose the right path for them - is this what I really want? It was a hard lesson, but it was self-affirming in that at least I know this is where I want to be.

Lesson three: shit happens. And there's no point being embarrassed about it. So you lost a job you kind of never had. The people who care about you just want you to be happy.

So here's to hoping everything works out okay as I try making it alive from one milestone to another.

Love, Noeline
X