… I'm thirty years old. I have never, ever cheated on a girlfriend. I only date one girl at a time... But I must admit that I look… no matter how hard I've tried to change, I can't. The only way I can't look is if I focus all attention on not looking… It's a reaction, plain and simple. As involuntary as turning your head when you hear your name…
- Answer Bag
Some call it checking out. Others call it perving. Call it whatever you want, they all mean the same thing. Here are two definitions I grabbed from Urban Dictionary:
To look at someone's features in order to determine that person's level of sexual attractiveness and the extent to which you would like to [fuck them].
…to look them up and down and assess how attracted to them you are, based on physical appearance only. Can be done by both males and females. If you’re a straight guy, you would "check out" girls but not other guys - even if you appreciate that they are attractive, this is different to being attracted to them.
With these things said, is it really harmless to look without touching?
From the outset of our relationship, my boyfriend and I have always perved on girls together. Shopping centers, public spaces and television screens beware. Most times I find it fun. Other times I find it frustrating when he approves of a girl I clearly find unattractive, or disagrees about a girl I find gorgeous. In so doing I’ve taught him such things as the disaster that is fake tan, and the difference between waif bodies and hourglass figures. Without realising, it became a part of our relationship I didn’t question.
That was until numerous friends reported almost breaking up with their partners who either (a) got hurt by ‘inconsiderate’ comments like ‘Damn I’d tap Megan Fox any day’ or (b) didn’t understand how in the world their partner could be offended by similar exclamations.
Wondering if relationship etiquette for such circumstances existed, I put it out there:
Is it okay to perve on other people while in a relationship, whether or not your partner is there with you in person, silently in your head and/or out loud?
Here’s what some of you said:
“I don’t mind. I feel that if one does so silently it means they feel guilty? Which would make you wonder. By that I mean feeling guilt towards their partner because they did it silently (in secret).”
“It is ok to perve at all times. It’s only embarrassing when you get caught by the perve-ee.”
“To 'look' silently is oh but natural, to look 'out loud' is just rude.”
“Depends on the circumstances. If both partners are okay with it then it makes it okay but… one or the other will have their self-esteem affected by it, even in the smallest of ways.”
“My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we've discussed this many times! For us, it's completely ok to 'perve' on other people, as long as it's nothing more than that. I think that looking at the opposite sex is in our nature, and it's not like we have any intentions beyond that, it's just admiring!”
“I reckon it’s a-ok! You’re in a relationship with them so they should be your best bud as well. Your opinions matter and if you think that someone is good looking, either of the opposite sex or not, its a free country and you’re entitled to your opinion. We don’t all date Johnny Depps and Jude laws so just a little perve keeps us sane!”
“I'm ok with it just as long as your partner is always honest and faithful. If you trust them, I don't see the reason why not. Just as long as they're not over the top, and make such a big deal about the hot person that the significant other's self esteem is crushed. Oh, and just as long as they always remind you how beautiful you are too.”
From some of the responses it seems that perving is okay as long as it’s with A-list celebrities us mortals don’t stand a chance of leaving our partners for.
From some of the other responses it seems that who you perve on is beside the point – that to check someone else out is to inadvertently point out the flaws and shortcomings of your partner.
From the rest of the responses it seems that you can’t call a ‘natural’ reflex wrong in the first place. But whether or not you might as well share what’s on your mind or keep them to yourself is a whole other contentious issue.
It seems that Australian men are going with the first option, and not tastefully either. Author of online column called Sex and the Suburbs writes:
I'm not sure if they are aware of how obvious their perving is or if they simply just don't care but when [they] nearly give…[themselves] whiplash to have another look at you when he walks past[,] it's kind of hilarious.What do you think? I’d love to hear your stories!
Love, Noeline
xox
