Palaeontology

Early on in our relationship, I would hug him through clothes she bought for him.

One time we were going through his family photo albums – only to find it specked with photos of her.

Feeling cold at his house one night, he gave me something to throw on. Turns out I wasn’t the only girl who’s worn it.

Another time he was cleaning his room. In the process of throwing out perfectly good pens, he came across a perfectly good notebook. Having scolded him about having thrown away perfectly good pens, he threw me the perfectly good notebook. Turns out it wasn’t blank.

In each of these situations, you could have thrown me into a pool of elephant dung and I’d have felt less disgusted.

And that’s when I fast-forwarded decades into the future. What if the man I end up marrying kept wearing the clothes and using the jewellery his ex-girlfriend handpicked for him? What if I moved in with him only to cook, dine, sleep and watch TV using the furniture and appliances he bought with his ex-fiancée? The thought terrified me. Is there any way out of this mess, or is it just a part of life I haven’t yet learned to accept?

So, is it okay to keep things from your ex? eg. letters, clothes, etc.?From the responses prevailed a group of functionalists:

“If you return it, he or she will [just] throw it away. Why throw away good things? It’s a waste. What if it’s a Play Station 3? I wouldn’t want to throw that away. If your ex-boyfriend gave you a Louis Vuitton bag, wouldn’t you still keep it if you guys broke up?

“If it has a purpose, such as a vacuum, expensive labelled clothing, hose, shower head, auto mobile or umbrella – keep it!”

“I was given a soft toy giraffe that I absolutely adore and I still have. My current boyfriend doesn't mind at all. I guess if the relationship is strong enough things like that shouldn't matter”

“After my last break up I ripped every single letter and photo… and as for the things he's given like clothes, bags and other material things, they just become part of my wardrobe and I forget who even gave me what”Then we have the sceptics. They argue that keeping things from past relationships is disrespectful to the partner/s that follow.

“I don’t it’s right. It’s like you’re hanging on to something – some type of hope – even if it is a Tiffany & Co. bracelet or Miu Miu handbag - you have to let go”

“Only okay if you use the items for Voodoo, otherwise trash that shit”

“Keeping them reflects some sort of attachment and it wouldn't be right if you really cared for the one you’re with.”

“I don’t get why you would want to hold on to your past… it causes problems. You never know, you could be married and your wife finds your letters and ex-numbers stashed away. How do you explain yourself then? I know a few couples who kept that kind of stuff and got caught red-handed - married couples too”

“I was with my boyfriend for three years. When he was cleaning out his cupboard this year he showed me all this stuff his ex’s gave him: cards, letters and notes. Ummm WTF? It’s not cool to keep that shit!”

“That’s a difficult one to generalise on because I think that certain situations would render it inappropriate and others would make it okay. Basically it's not okay to keep things from your ex if you want to move on or have already done so. But I think its okay during that ‘mourning period’ where uncertainty is everything and you don't know if you can move on. But yeah when you snap out of it, it shouldn't even be an issue, throw it out!”

“I used to [keep the things my ex gave me], but not anymore. I think people hang on to things like love letters because they hope they'll find something like that again. When you do, you don't feel the need to keep them anymore. [For example,] my ex wrote me a few songs and I kept them for months after we broke up until I found my current boyfriend. I threw the CDs out because I'm so much happier now than I was then. I don't need to hang on to that hope anymore”

“There are some things I kept from ex’s. It was a bit of sentimental value, but a few years later, when I find them again, I might have a laugh or a shake of the head, but yeah in the bin it goes”Surprisingly - only ONE respondent agreed that it was okay to keep the things given him/her from an ex:

“I’ve only kept the ones from my first love in a box he gave me. I’m not holding onto hope or what not, it’s just a part of my life that I smile and laugh at what when I read them (which is like once in a blue moon). I think keeping them doesn’t mean you want to get back with them, it just shows that at one point in you life you were able to love and be loved in return”
But with all these things said, what do you do when one person thinks it’s okay and the other person doesn’t? Should the functionalist succumb to throwing away perfectly good things? Or should empiricists simply learn to deal with it?

A few people I've spoken to said that it depends on the situation - whether or not your ex and your current boy/girlfriend get along. That if your new boy/girlfriend has a problem with your ex/s - it's best not having things lying around to upset him/her.

What do you think? Simply click on the comment link below - especially for those of you who didn’t get to share your thoughts and/or experiences the first time round.

Love, Noeline
xox